Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Hideous man. I'm so sorry. I couldn't move on from that.

I'd have his stuff packed and waiting outside for him.

He hates you.

I have never been so adamant (outside of domestic violence) that an OP should leave their partner. There is no coming back from this - what he said to you is utterly abhorrent.

I'm glad you've documented what he said on here, because whenever you're feeling conflicted about what to do (or what you've already done) you need to come back here, reread what he said to you and how everyone responded to your post.

Someone earlier said that he is not on your team. That puts it so succinctly and starkly. He clearly doesn't care one iota about you. Get him the hell out of yours and your children's home.

There can't be any coming back from that. The lowest of most disgusting thing he could say. The sad thing is he probably meant everything he said because that's most men for you.

Sorry this should read NO coming back from this. What a horrible shitty thing to say

You cannot vindicate yourself with a misogynistic lowlife - and you don't need to: you know what happened.

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Please plan to leave.

The more women push back and are calling men out on the inequality, abuse, rape, harassment etc. that they have subjected us to over the millennia, the angrier they are becoming.

You aren't 'making it into a big deal'

You have just had enough of his lazy, shitty arse freeloading off you once and for all.

He thinks he can bully you back into submission.

Get ready for the love bombing telling you how wonderful you are and how sorry he is.

You are his free lunch ticket and roof. He will suck up to you hard when he realises he might have to be responsible for himself again.

He will try to get his feet back under the table and if you let him he will pay you back later for this and punish you eventually for standing up for yourself now to try and destroy your self esteem so you don't do it again.

It’s natural to feel sick and even throw up. You are in shock, of course you are.

But this is not your life - it’s who HE is. Your life, who you are , your kids, the rest of your family, your friends, your work - you are all fine. And you will be better off without him. Even if you don’t feel that now.

Please take the good advice on this thread and get him out of your house. Block all contact with him except to arrange contact for your shared daughter - ideally get someone else to arrange this if you can. IF you can’t do that, then do it by email. Don’t talk to him on the phone or by text. Don’t let him come to your house, arrange contact elsewhere .

Give yourself time and space to deal with this shock and grieve for the relationship you thought you had and the man you thought he was.

Please don't try to convince him you aren't lying OP because it will only add to your trauma. He has thrown up something painful for you and you Nedd to just cut him off and look after yourself, not have conversations with him about what happened.

He is horrible and he is twisting things to suit himself. He doesn't respect you. You will be better off without him.

I've very pleased it's your house. You mention you have children- think what you would advise if this were your child saying their partner has accused them of lying about something so traumatic and damaging. Bringing up all that horror and mocking it. You would want to get that person well away from your child, and you deserve that protection too.

I'm not victim BLAMING you.

But I think it's very important for you to recognise that because you were a victim of abuse (after the rape) you became statistically more likely to become a victim of abuse again.

You were raped 10 years ago.
You have an 8 year old with this man.
You were vulnerable and likely targeted by him, knowingly ir not.

You were vulnerable and I suspect that you have been a victim of your partner, or at least in an unhealthy relationship, for a very long time, and only now is are you seeing what is there.

And, as an aside, the "everyone says" is classic abuse language. It's also highly unlikely that "everyone like him". They might like who he pretends to be, but actually a lot of people pretend to keep themselves safe or to maintain a viable relationship with the victim. You also don't need anyone in your life who likes him. He's scum. Your kid only likes what they thinks they know.

Bollocks. They've always been angry. They just got away with it as they 'had to control their wives'. The narrative is the same violence and abuse is necessary to control women.

It never changes.

This is horrific manosphere type stuff, I hope your child with him isn’t female. Please leave him.

It’s very simple you go home pack his things and get the locks changed as it’s your house

then you tell him it’s over and to move into his mothers/friends/whatever

if you have a joint account you call the bank and ask them to relive your name now and take half

you tell him to take you to court for access to your daughter (after all why would you want her included by such a “man” ) and you start a cms claim

there is no coming back from this

and I would now seriously consider reporting the rape

OP you must keep in mind that in every comment here pointing out that this wanker hates you, the deeper truth is that he’s expressing a general attitude to women in general. He’s a thorough misogynist.
I’d think of it as the solid foundation to his psychological ‘house’, and the specifics thrown at you are just a rug on that floor: it’s not that he hates you alone and is an enlightened, loving man to all other women. No, he carries this everywhere.

So don’t you eat your heart out wondering what it is about you that brought this out in him. You being a woman was always enough for that.

I just hope that some day these men will be ostracised by the rest of the tribe, male and female, and will be shown that they have to change, or live among other exiled men for good.

It doesn't matter why. I'm so sorry OP, you deserve better than this sadistic piece of crap. In fact I would go one step further and say that this relationship is harmful and detrimental to your health - please leave, there's no way back from this.

Leave his stuff on the doorstep and dump him.

I add to love bombing threats to harm himself, disclosures of struggling with his mental health, insecurity and feelings of not being good enough for you, or as good as previous partners, possibly even that he finds the idea of you being harmed so hard to cope with because he lives you so much he needs to believe it isn't true, or he's watched some YouTube videos and now understands the error of his ways, he was just ill informed about how rape victims present...and and all twisted bullshit to make you feel sorry for him or convince you to give him another go. All self serving bollocks. He is not a Good Guy however much other people might think he is.

Having a pet cockroach for a companion would be a step up from keeping this man around.

You can do better. Being on your own would be better. Please set yourself free.

You have one life.
You need to spend it with a decent person.
Why choose to spend it with someone like this?

He doesn't get to decide "to come home" Have a bag packed and tell him to leave. If he won't go then walk outside and call the Police.
I actually am sat here wondering how many women he has sexually assaulted or raped as he See's no problem with what happened to you and even thinks you enjoyed it ! yes i think he is has a history.
You are worth more than he ever will be and deserve so much better as do your children. Get rid before the children come home from school.
You and the children will be fine💐

I think it is. Similar to how angry men become when their partner leaves them as a last ditch control (this being the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship), this is being played out at a universal level now we, AKA womenkind, are "leaving" the status quo.

This! It explains so much that has deteriorated between the sexes in the past forty years.
They woke up one day as realised we were occupying space and air they had owned since Eden, and ever since, they've been employing any means necessary to grab it back and make us contrite.

He just said that to be hurtful. Because he's an absolute cunt.
Just tell him he's absolutely vile and you're never speaking to him again.
Hopefully he'll then remain single permanently as nobody deserves scum like that as a partner.

It's not up to him. It's your house, can you change the locks for starters. Do you have friends or family who can be there when he turns up? I would be packing his things ready for him when he returns.