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Original poster

Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

521 replies

amigoingmadd · Yesterday 12:42

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

OP posts:
JayJayj · Yesterday 20:18

Do you have brothers/sisters/uncles/ friends?? Tell them you want him gone and he won’t leave. Get them to come round and physically remove him from the house if he still chooses not to go.what a scum bag. Or, have a few friends in stand by. The next time he leaves the house, bag all his shit up and leave it on the front garden for him. Send him a text once it’s there letting him know to get his things.

Databreach · Yesterday 20:20

One of the worst things I’ve ever read on here. I’m so sorry op.

localnotail · Yesterday 20:21

OMG OP I cant believe what I'm reading. What a disguising excuse for a human this "man" is.

Just tell him you want him out. Put his shit outside in bags and change the locks, if he kicks off call the police.

I really doubt anyone thinks he's a good guy, apart from maybe his thicko incel mates.

Big hug and be brave and arrogant. He is a homeless unemployed loser and he can fuck right off.

LowlandLucky · Yesterday 20:24

OP, please please send us all a message in the morning. I for one am bloody petrified on your behalf. 🍀

ClimbTheLadder · Yesterday 20:24

amigoingmadd · Yesterday 19:21

I don’t want to be with him. Sorry I’m not moving fast enough for everyone

I think we’re all just really worried about what he might be capable of. I know in a real life situation especially whilst you’re still in shock an instruction to change the locks and throw his stuff out is not easy and even harder when he’s clearly a skilled manipulator.

Keep reminding yourself everyone here is horrified at what he said to you and we just want you to be safe and happy 💐

SoftSpotForDandelions · Yesterday 20:25

I really hope you are safe OP. Do what you need to do to get out safely.

Anyahyacinth · Yesterday 20:26

Please be careful you equated him not fancying you but that’s not what rape is about it’s about dominance and control …did people in the cafe hear what he was saying, could they support you?

The way he has behaved is utterly unacceptable and hateful…literally full of hate.

Time to get practical forget puzzling it out ..he has shown you he is disgusting …that’s the real him…a deeply inadequate man and human being

OneLivelyLilacBird · Yesterday 20:29

Having been in an abusive relationship myself, I know how hard it is to leave. You can't do it 'just like that', like people suggest (a lot of them may never have been in a situation or relationship like this). You have to be ready. Do want to need to do to keep him sweet for now, try to avoid setting him off and keep yourself safe. Meanwhile try and make a plan for how you will end the relationship, get legal advice if needed, and support. Read up on what is abuse, and why certain men behave like this, I found it really helpful to learn more about it and that you are not alone. Sadly narcissistic abuse is really really common. I didn't even realise I was in an abusive relationship for about 8 years - I thought he was just 'difficult'. When I read about it, the penny dropped - everything I read was an exact description of how he behaved. Do your research, get your ducks in a row and get support, brace yourself - then tell him to go. But one thing is for certain - there will never be a right time, and if he thinks you will just take what he dishes out, he will get worse and worse. Abusers don't get better. I really recommend doing the Freedom Course. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Stay strong, you can do it xx

Seajaye · Yesterday 20:30

Your partner is either plain nasty or might even have a personality disorder if he thinks his comments and treatment of you are reasonable things to say or think about anyone, let alone somebody he is supposed to love, trust and respect. He has shown none of these towards you. Even if he has been goaded by his friends into thinking you had a previous sexual predisposition to consensual anal sex, there would be still a proper time place and manner of rraising this with you far more appropriately. You either need to get some serious couples counselling or go your separate ways. I'd be choosing the latter if that was an option available to me.

QueenietheGreat · Yesterday 20:31

@amigoingmadd
Leave him
This is abuse fuelled by resentment and you know he's a knob by the so-called friends who treat what happened to you as a joke
Just go now and prove that you can find someone a whole galaxy better than Mr Petty himself

Caniweartheseones · Yesterday 20:31

He’s retaliated because his ego is hurt- he feels like a loser. Now he’s even more of a loser. Really sorry you have been through this. Make efforts to stay safe and really good luck. Hope you can enjoy and show your love for your son in his birthday.

YorksMa · Yesterday 20:32

Oh OP, I'm so sorry that you feel nagged at and rushed. Of course you must take your time and do things safely and in your own way. As you said, you only found all this out at lunchtime. I think it's just that so many women on here are utterly horrified at what kind of man you're living with and we're all really worried about you. I've literally never seen mumsnet so united. Do it your way OP, and stay safe. We are all here for you, behind our screens and keyboards. xx

malloryknox123 · Yesterday 20:33

This is unforgivable. It’s not a one off ill thought out remark, it’s a full on attack designed to hurt you.

this man is beyond redemption

ZaraCC · Yesterday 20:34

Hi OP,

Just wanted to add support and to say to ignore people who think life is a soap opera and when they say 'kick him out', you should jump and act immedietly. Take your time and like others have said, please contact Woman's Aid and let them help you with your plan. I hope you have someone in real life to confide in and who can practically help. You are doing great!!

NormasArse · Yesterday 20:34

amigoingmadd · Yesterday 12:42

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

There has never been a more clear cut LTB.

This was abusive on his part, and bloody cruel. Get rid.

I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. 💐

Also, it’s never too late to report a rape.

Dalston · Yesterday 20:36

amigoingmadd · Yesterday 19:21

I don’t want to be with him. Sorry I’m not moving fast enough for everyone

Please call 0808 2000 247 it’s the National helpline for domestic abuse. When women try to leave there is usually an escalation of abuse. It’s important you get specialist support through this.

dementedmummy · Yesterday 20:37

amigoingmadd · Yesterday 12:42

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

You leave. Immediately. He has shown his true colours. Believe him. You don't need him and his nasty mouth. You deserve better. Walk away sweetheart. Sorry you have experienced the original assault and sorry you are now having to deal with a clown of a man. 100% better off without him 💐

Shelaydownunderthetable · Yesterday 20:46

Hey OP. Other posters have given better advice than I could, but I just wanted to say that I hope and pray you can find the strength to leave this awful, disgusting man. Will be thinking of you.

EarthSight · Yesterday 20:46

I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police

This man is your enemy OP.

Watch your back, stop calling him a 'partner', and leave him.

Bunnie007 · Yesterday 21:05

Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 13:02

You can still be a sponge even with a not rich man.

You can still be dependent on someone if you need them to come to the shops with you.

But, those two things aside, he sounds like a really vile man. Anyone that calls you a slag and a liar about previous abuse is not someone to share your life with.

Seriously that’s what you got from this post the need to respond to whether OP is dependent!!!!! OP I understand it is difficult to make him leave overnight. Please speak to Women’s Aid asap and get some support. Your partner is an abuser. If you have not already done so then you could also consider contacting the rape crisis centre too, I’m sure this all feels so overwhelming but please do reach out and seek help.

Original poster
amigoingmadd · Yesterday 21:11

He’s trying his best to chip away at me, I have no idea where this has come from. He’s called me as ‘thick as pigshit’ in front of our son à propos of absolutely nothing. I calmly asked him why on earth he would say such a thing. What was I doing that was ‘thick’? He couldn’t answer. Just sat there sulking like the pathetic weasel he is. I’m furious on the inside, it’s burning in my chest. Carrying this weird shit in front of our son! I want to reassure everyone who is concerned about me that I’m not in any physical danger or feel threatened physically at all. He’s just a sad man with a disgusting mind who was harbouring all this hatred and has finally let it all come tumbling out.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · Yesterday 21:13

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 19:25

I'm glad you're determined to get him out, but you can't just lock him out if he's been living with you for some time. Please contact Women's Aid or Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline to get advice on how to get him out in a way that keeps you safe and within the law. You want to ask how to proceed safely since you have told him that you want him to leave and he's refusing. For now, you really you want to stop all engagement and verbal to and fros with this man. He's taunting you and waiting for a response, which you are probably giving him with your "attitude" even if you say no words. Have you space in the house to sleep in a different room, perhaps with your DC which might keep you safer until he leaves? Also, if he moves from speech that is intended to hurt you to actions that are making you feel threatened or which a physically violent or abusive, don't hesitate to call the police.

Show quote history

Actually, as his name isn't on the house and they aren't married, she can just lock him out, it's perfectly legal. She has no legal obligation to house him, nor does she have to give him any notice. She has ended the relationship and owns/rents the house in her name, therefore, he needs to leave on her say so, and if he doesn't, she can call the police to immediately remove him.

I'm not actually suggesting OP do this BTW, just correcting this misinformation.

Bababear987 · Yesterday 21:17

I dont understand why you think you are safe with him? And if you truly do believe he'd never hurt you then get him out tonight?

EmeraldDreams73 · Yesterday 21:19

I've just read your posts OP. I'm appalled and so sorry you've been through this. Well done for making your plans. He's absolutely vile. I look forward to hearing that you've got him out, please get all the support you can as I can see him turning nasty. Take care.

Original poster
amigoingmadd · Yesterday 21:22

Bababear987 · Yesterday 21:17

I dont understand why you think you are safe with him? And if you truly do believe he'd never hurt you then get him out tonight?

He’s vile and disgusting but I’ve got no reason to fear physical violence. I don’t want anyone worrying about me that’s all.

OP posts: