Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

@amigoingmadd
I hope you are safe.
Without being alarmist, the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship, is when they are leaving it.
I also wanted to say that rape is all about the exercise of power and control. Thinking that he isnt interested in you sexually is no protection from someone who thinks you enjoyed being raped.
You have taken the biggest step in acknowledging that he is abusive and this needs to end. Please don't delay too long in taking the next step.

OP -

1. this is what people mean by engaging "He has since asked me (since being home), why I brought up this man’s name but I didn’t! it was him. I feel like I’m going mad but I know I’m not." Responding (which actually you my not have done) is engaging. And see how easy it is to slightly give you the feeling that you are going mad? And how early in your OP you raise the possibility of your 'wrongdoing' .
2. Rape is rarely about sexual desire and is more often about power, anger and control his recent sexual rejection of you is no insurance against rape, I understand that it is hard to come back from shopping and bust up up your household but please sleep with your fully charged phone under your pillow XX

There is nothing more to understand here other than that your partner is a nasty, spiteful man who is simply trying to undermine you and tear you down at every opportunity. Life does not have to be like this. It is not normal to be subject to this from someone who is supposed to love, care and respect you. You need to leave. Dont waste your life trying to figure him out or blaming yourself or making yourself smaller in an attempt to avoid his lashing a out. There is genuinely nothing more to consider here other than how you leave.

I understand that but if this was my child then grieving or not I'd want to be told so I could drag him out of the house by his ear and tell him in no uncertain terms how utterly ashamed I was of him.

MY GOD and he's still your partner.

I think you need to consider having a recording device in the house in case he starts making threats or abusive statements. If he did you might have grounds for a restraining order.

Your partner is a disgusting person. He doesnt love you. He doesnt even like you. He has no respect for you. His "jokes" make me wonder what his believes about rape. He's saying you wanted it. You enjoyed it. You deserved it because you shouldn't have been there. He's used your trauma and the worse thing that happened to you as a weapon against you. I wouldnt do that to my worse enemy. I want to tell you that I believe you and that its not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You know you need to leave your partner. He's an abusive walker. If you cant do it today please get some support from a DV charity because if ge can abuse you like that im sure he abuses you in other ways as well.

Glad to read the house is yours OP. You need to leave him. Call the police and get him removed if you must!

Do you have an income of your own? Some things are beloe the belt.... in your post it wasn't just a 1 thing either. It was quite a few things that you just do not say!

It's up to you. It's your house. You're not married. He has no right to be there at all. He is disgusting. He will just say more and more to justify his awful behaviour - he's gaslighting you. Please don't allow him to subject you to any more of this. Ask someone to come round to support you to kick him out, or call the police and tell them he's refusing to leave and you're afraid of him, which you definitely should be. He's a danger to women and he's abusive.

He's a despicable, arrogant, gaslighting cunt.

There's not a woman on Earth who couldn't do better for herself than being with him.

Get him GONE!

Well done love, you have done the really hard thing which is realising that he's abusive and you don't want to be with him. The practical ways of getting him gone come next...and we're all here willing you on xx

I’ve called him partner here to make it clear who I’m typing about and because up to today he was.
Getting him out in theory should be easy enough. He rarely even remembers where his key is so I probably won’t even need a locksmith. The problem is what happens afterwards and I need to gear myself up mentally and get some things straight. How many horrible men turn up to the door to realise they are locked out and dumped and simply shuffle off amicably? Bad timing as well. The shopping trip was for my son’s birthday in a couple of days.

He’s vile. End of.
Get some legal advice - I hope he does have a good job and savings as he’s not just going to leave by the sounds of it.

Op is there any reason you can't call the police tonight and get him out?

I'm worried about what he may say or do when he realises you're serious.

OP please think about reporting the rape. Even if it lays on file that person may hurt/ have hurt other women.
I didn't report my rape when I was 16 and I've lived with that all my life. Don't be me.

A couple of practical things.

1. Make as sure as you can that he doesn't have access to this thread, as it will probably wind him up. That means logging out, changing your password to your computer etc.
2. Rather than changing the locks, you may be able to change just the barrels - you can do this yourself. (On the basis that I've done it, and I am deeply impractical.) Robert Dyas or YouTube could give you some good advice about this MUCH cheaper alternative.

Leave him, in every sense. It's not your job to turn around all his attitudes and prejudices. Focus on getting on and protecting your child.

Thank you for explaining, I am sorry I got mixed up.
Gawd, it is certain that there are some bloody awful men around you, I hope you have support 💐

@amigoingmadd OP, I think you're focusing on whether he believes you were raped, when the bigger issue is what he's revealed about how he sees you.
In the space of a few hours he has called you a liar, a slag, told you that you enjoyed being raped, said you could have stopped it, accused you of making it up, blamed you for his own comments, minimised your feelings, mocked consent and is now laughing at your distress. What exactly is left to salvage here?

The fact that he isn't apologising is the key point. Instead he's rolling his eyes, telling you you're overreacting and trying to make you feel responsible for "splitting up the family". That's manipulation. If he genuinely thought he'd done nothing wrong, why is he now trying so hard to convince you that your reaction is unreasonable?

Personally, I wouldn't spend another minute trying to persuade him that the rape happened. The issue is that after ten years together he has shown a level of contempt towards you that I'd find impossible to forget.

It's your house. If the relationship is over for you, then it's over. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're still a couple because he doesn't agree with your reasons for ending it.

The comment that would have tipped me over the edge wasn't even the original argument. It was: "Will you sleep with me? I've asked for consent."
That wasn't humour. He knew exactly what he was doing. He'd seen he had hurt you deeply, and instead of showing remorse he chose to twist the knife and make himself the clever one in the room.

I'd be calmly informing him that the relationship is finished and discussing practical arrangements for him to move out. Whether he likes that decision is neither here nor there.

Even the fact that he thinks a tale of a man going around getting high fives in a pub for sex with you reflects badly on YOU rather than the man just says everything.

And the fact that you are asking him to leave your house and he is refusing - he clearly has no problem with violating boundaries.

It does sound like you've got this though - but I do agree with PP (and as a fellow boy mum) that I would want to bloody know if my son treated or spoke about women this way.

I’m so sorry, your partner is being abusive. I’m so glad the house is yours. It will make the break easier. I don’t want to hurt you when you’re already down but it sounds like he hates you and he has no respect for you. I also believe what happened to you in the past, focus on creating a family unit with just you and your children. Also don’t let other peoples judgment cloud you. You know the truth, that’s all that matters xx

I hope you are safe OP

I understand. Apparently, If you voluntarily go to a man's flat, and he forces you to have sex with him against your will, that is all that has happened. You cannot call it 'rape' because you went to his house! I didn't know this! I was told this by so many people, women included. Well, that's me told. OP, I hope you can unentangle yourself from this misbegotten git, and find peace.

He's been holding onto this for 10 years and when you finally stood up to him during an argument he's told you exactly what he thinks of you. That's unforgivable and he just needs go.

I'm gobsmacked.
Why do women on this site put up with reprehensible vile men like this and then have to ask what to do about it.
Get rid NOW !!!!!!