Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Phone the police and get this man out of your house.
Anyone that is that callous and mocking you about rape is perfectly capable of it. Do you actually feel safe with him?

Can you afford to move out? Or if it is your place, please tell him to go. It seems like he wants out TBH

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🤮
He is a vile man - I’m so sorry for you and your child.

Leave

My blood would be absolutely boiling if he was making a mockery of me like this.

Tell him to go

This is horrible to read. I can’t believe he is still there.

he is gaslighting you.
this is an awful relationship and for the sake of your sanity and your children you must ask him to leave.
he is treating you with such disrespect and callousness.

please find the strength to end it.

OP kicking him out because you need time alone is very different to separating from him.

Ask him to leave for a few days.
If he feels any sort of regret and cares about you at all he would leave on a tempest basis.

I’m guessing he won’t do this though because he doesn’t like you.

No, he backed up his opinion of me loving being raped by saying prior to our relationship, he knew someone at the pub who claimed he’d had that kind of sex with me and he knew this because the guy was going round getting high-fives because of it. It’s complete nonsense btw but I think he was trying to say ‘aha well I know you’ve done that before so you’ve caught yourself out in a lie’. The logic doesn’t work though because a) that never happened he just made it up and b) I could’ve had sex 100 times in a row but the one I don’t consent to is rape.
Which is exactly what I said to him. He didn’t like hearing that because once I spelled that out to him he realised he was sounding stupid and ridiculous, hence his stupid ‘consent’ joke hours later. He’s been stewing on it and trying to laugh it off like I’m a silly woman making a fuss of nothing.

You're not heaping anything on her, this situation is not of your doing, it's his. Don't take responsibiity for the consequences of HIS actions.

He's an idiot, stop engaging with him. Get your plans together and have a friend with you when you kick him out

@amigoingmadd having read all your posts, I do think @BackJustToSay has a point - you might be in danger from him. Please try to stay calm and stop arguing with him / defending yourself - you're not going to get him to agree with you.

If he's lived with you for 10 + years it isn't as simple as changing the locks or calling the police to remove him. They won't. You need to see a solicitor and get advice. Make an appointment tomorrow. Also Citizens Advice might be able to help you.

Sending hugs and best wishes 🫂🫂🫂

Honestly, light a bonfire and throw all his shit on it. Hopefully he'll fall in trying to get it back out.

What a nasty little man.
Does he use substances? The venom stinks of a come down.

Regardless, what he's said is absolutely unforgivable. You can't remain in a relationship or a house with someone who would say that to or about you.

Throw him out.

If you're seen as the bad guy, it's still better than being seen the way you are by the man in your house. If you care that much, tell people why you threw the bastard out. No woman in her right mind would ever think you're the "bad guy".

End it OP. Tell him you are done and repeat the sentence every time he tries to engage.

Honestly I told him to leave after I asked him if he had asked his mum if he could stay with her and he was shaking his head chuckling. He’s be gone if if it were up to me but I can see it’s going to be quite the undertaking, and I’ll need the help suggested throughout the thread. Which is why I don’t have the energy right now at this second in time to action it. I will though. I don’t want this any more.

Didn’t want to read a run, but a couple of things. You’re in an abusive relationship, I think you already know this, but I’m saying it because I was too and I understand how you feel you have to do things on your terms and in your own time. There will come a time (hopefully soon) when you have to act, and just keep moving, don’t think, because this is what these men do to you.

After calmly trying to leave my exHB probably about 4/5 times, in the end I waited until he was out and then packed everything I could of importance into my car and went to a hotel for the night. I never went back.

Of course I was mentally unstable, he was going to help me, the divorce came out of nowhere. I’m sending you lots of luck and best wishes. You feel like you’re trying to be reasonable and do the “right”
thing, that’s an illusion, whatever you do will be wrong. But it’s the right thing for you.

I'm so sorry OP but he's absolutely disgusting. I can hardly believe what I'm reading.

I am so sorry op . You deserve better. Do you have any male relatives who can come over to get him out? Or the police? It's your house and I can't believe he won't leave. If you can't bring yourself to call the police get an emergency locksmith the next time he leaves the house. Text him when it's done and tell him not to come back. You can put his stuff in bin bags outside and give him a time when you're out to pick them up.

Sending hugs, @amigoingmadd
Do it in your own time, in your own way, but do shout up if you need help.. x

You need to find out your legal position, how you can have him removed from your house. In the meantime you could keep saying that it is your house, not his and you have ended the relationship and you want him out and if he is refusing to go you will go the legal route.

Of course this goes without saying that if there is any chance at all you are at risk from him then you handle it differently.

Could you call women's aid for advice?

Omg. I couldn't even read to the end of your post because I felt sick to the stomach of how he spoke to you. He sounds utterly horrific and what he said to you is unforgiveable. He also sounds quite dangerous with those views. Please please leave him and seek help. Sorry this is what you are going through Xxx

This is an absolute deal breaker. LTB. Please. I believe you. Unfortunately the person who is supposed to have your back, doesn't.

Do you have anyone you can confide in nearby? A friend, family member or a trusted work colleague? You really do need to have a back up plan incase he turns on you when he realises it is over. The gas lighting can become physical once they realise its not working anymore they can move to more physical ways of control.

I think you have to give him official notice to leave your home. A solicitor can draft the letter. If he's not your husband and is not on the deeds/tenancy, in theory you just have to give him reasonable notice, like two weeks or a month. If he's been paying the mortgage or spent a reasonable amount on fixtures or furnishings then it gets a bit more complicated. But not as complicated as a divorce.