Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Are you hesitant or afraid to tell him to leave?

He is doubling down on his vile behaviour by being even more vile and refusing to admit any wrongdoing. He sounds quite dangerous to be honest. I would echo asking a friend or family member to come round while you get him out. He is a piece of shit.

I’m sorry to hear this, I’m glad you are away from him and hope you are healing.

I must say with OP’s recent update about him asking for sex, this is what I first worried about. He knows he’s messed up today, he’s asked for sex, he’s not going to like being told no and this is a very real worry. This man needs to be removed from the house.

He's still going. Rather than apologise, which still wouldn't be enough, he seems to think you'll have sex with him. And I think he might rape you. He's genuinely dangerous.

It's very good that you wrote it all down so soon after. It will help keep you grounded in reality in the face of his mockery and gaslighting. Keep recording what he says (not necessarily here, but for yourself) but don't be drawn into it. Please phone someone in real life who can physically be there for you.

I’m probably the last person on MN to ever suggest LTB. It’s suggested way too much on here with no thought about the complexity of relationships..but this is a situation where you really do need to LTB. To say those things over an argument about plans for the day just shows how much burning resentment and hatred he has got you, just bubbling below the surface. I’m sorry you wasted 10 years of your life with someone like this. Please don’t waste anymore. You’re worth so much more than him

OMG OP, you have to kick this man out. He is a gas lighter, on top of an uncaring piece of shit. He is worth nothing. Actually, he has a fucking huge negative value. You will be so much happier without him.
You should have reported the rape. Always report. This is no longer a man's world. It is not. And he cannot stay in your house when you told him to move to his mother's.
Get your finances and logistics ready and tell him to get out of your house.
Your children are learning from this shit man. And that is really sad.

These were not home truths. They were cruel comments designed to shut you up and shock you into silence. That he is making a joke out of it - what a pig.

I would actually tell his mum. Give an overview, you were raped x years ago, he keeps blaming you for it and used it as a weapon and keeps joking about it. You can see your grandaughter as much as you want, this does not affect our relationship but I cannot have him an his monstrous comments near me.

I am so sorry you are going through this

I completely agree with @BackJustToSay .

I believe this is actually a lot to do with why I was raped in the time I mentioned in my post. I'd been talking about a previous time not long before.

Get him out as fast as you can and someone else with you until you can.

I can't recall if you said you have a daughter. But if you do, imagine what he is going to say about her as she grows up and dips her toe into the dating world. And what he might be teaching any sons.

@amigoingmadd he is utterly unsafe for you and unsafe to have around your children.

Be resolute and get him to leave. This relationship is over, he is abusive and vile. The damage this relationship will do to your children if you stay is immeasurable.

I am so sorry to read this, so you were assaulted and his 'mate' was getting high fives from people in the pub, and he did nothing to him, just blamed you?
To me that speaks so many volumes you could open a library.
Please keep posting here as your journey in getting this skid mark out of your life progresses.
Keep safe, most of all.

Do not stay with this disgusting man OP, hes vile. Pls contact some trusted family members/friends to help get him out. It’s your house.

OP I've hesitated writing this because it's still raw after many years but my dad was like your other half. When I was not much older than your own child, my mum came home in tears telling him she'd 'woken up with no knickers on' at one of his friend's houses and she didn't understand what had happened. My dad decided rather than confront his friend, to beat the shit out of my mum while me and my brother were cowering on the stairs. When I was 18, something almost identical happened to me and because of my scumbag dad's views I didn't tell a soul for years. Please for the sake of your child, kick this absolute twat out of YOUR house.

If he won't leave please get yourself out of there temporarily. Don't stay a single night with him. I've seen people like him and they don't react well to being called out on their behaviour. I know the patterns. As previous posters have said, he's already belittling what he's said to you and making light of the idea of consent. This is a dangerous situation. He will probably try 'put you in your place'/take back control in some way and I don't even want to think about what he could do.

If he was a normal human being with normal reactions he would never has said what he did. But even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he'd just made a massive mistake (which I wouldn't, but let's suppose I did), the fact that he hasn't apologised profusely or realised what a fucked up way he's been acting says it all. It's a massive red flag and if I were you I would get some male family member or a witness of some sort to be there while he packs his things.

Why’s he still in your home?!

Kick him out before he can gaslight you into thinking you overreacted.

You can take him back (I wouldn’t) but he needs to leave immediately so he understands how poorly he’s acted.

He doesn’t even sound sorry!

There are no redeeming features of this man

Why are you engaging with your abusive partner?

I could never even look at a man who spoke to me like that about something so devastating, let alone have him live in my home.

Please choose you, and don't stay with someone so vile

This made me feel unwell. I'm so sorry.

@amigoingmadd i really don’t understand why you keep engaging with him? Why are you poking the bear? He doesn’t own the house so why haven’t you just called the police and told them he needs to leave? Lots of posters are concerned for your safety and telling you, based on their experiences, that you’re in danger but you seem to be opting to ignore this and it’s not clear why.

OP, seeing as it is your house, there is nothing stopping you from getting him out right now. Call the police for advice and support if necessary. Tell this twatty bloke that you want him to pack his stuff and leave. If he doesn't then pack it for him. Put it outside, and change the locks on all doors immediately . Call friends or family for support.

This man is a horrible horrible, misogynistic prick, who as a PP said, could also now attack you himself judging by his actions. You need to protect yourself and get him out ASAP.

He said it to take the piss out of me. I don’t feel at risk in that way from him at least. The relationship hasn’t been good for a while, he isn’t really interested in me sexually to be frank. He seems to find me disgusting and annoying, although I didn’t see anything like today happening.

Gosh, this thread is actually difficult to read. I feel so awful for you OP. I can't believe he is making light of such a traumatic experience. You mention you don't know if he is OK mentally. I think you might be right, if he was never like this before it sounds like he is having some sort of crisis or breakdown. I hope you get away soon, this all sounds so worrying.

I’m not poking the bear, he is goading me. He’s now taken himself off to somewhere else in the house.
I’ve explained upthread why. I know I’m done with this but I’m doing this on my own terms and in my own time, which will be soon. I can’t spring into action today. I just can’t. I respect all the advice to do so, it’s just easier said than done. I’d probably advise kicking him out asap and changing the locks myself, in fact I’m sure I’ve commented the same on other threads on here. But now it’s me and not a stranger on the internet and I can’t do it today.