Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Might be a good idea to contact something like women’s aid to give you the confidence of getting rid of this vile human being.

Listening to what he has said, I'm sure that he thinks he is "doing you a favour" by staying with you "after you cheated". He is utter scum and the lack of respect or love he has for you is absolutely glaring.

He will probably be relying on you being so concerned about "airing your dirty laundry" so either not splitting up with him as a result, or keeping schtum about the reason why if you were to get rid of him.

By all means let him think he holds this power - and then turn around and unceremoniously dump the twat. You don't need to share the reason why you split up with people if you don't want to, but in your shoes I would simply state, "I was raped, and rather than supporting me, he called me a slag (amongst other things)".

OP can you get someone to come and sit with you while you ask him to leave?

I'm so glad it's your house and you're not married. He's awful. Hurtful, misogynistic, abusive.... all he has done here is highlighted who HE is and how HE thinks. I'd feel sick too in your shoes.

He needs to leave.

Before you ask him again to leave have a think...

Can you afford to get the locks changed?
Can someone come sit with you?
Do you have a video doorbell?

He is not your partner. He’s shown you that today. I could not bare to look at him after what he’s said. Don’t let him minimise it, don’t drag things out, kick him out as soon as possible. He doesn’t have to agree for you to break up, one person can make the decision and that means it’s happening

My jaw hit the floor. I really feel for you. Please get him out of your house. You don’t know how he will react next. He’s shown you what he thinks of you.

The things he said before he even mentioned the rape are disgusting and I’d end the relationship over that alone.

I’m wondering how often he says things like this to you - you’re dependent and a sponge etc?

Was this a completely out of the blue argument or has he actually always openly hated you and it’s only the rape comments that has made you see his true colours?

This is my first ever LTB.

You are worth so much more.

He thinks you are a liar and a slag. Leave. Never speak with this man again, ever.

Yes I think we’re all concerned for OPs safety. He’s clearly a nasty piece of work and if he thinks he’s burned his bridges he might get really unpleasant.

He's unemployed so I'm guessing he doesn't contribute much to food and bills and your joint DC, if so he's a cocklodger. Ridiculous to call you names for having a bf before you met him .

Get a friend or two round, ideally at least one male, tell him to leave and make him do it on the spot. When he refuses and kicks off call the police. No-one should be treated like this. Who cares if he has nowhere to go that's on him. Don't engage with his mum on it, she may be lovely but she's still his mum. Please seek help and support for what happened to you there are some really great organisations out there. Put in a CMS claim immediately. If you can change the locks. He's clearly an utter shit and you may not be safe with him. Anyone who talks about "surprise sex" is a prick

And get a RING type doorbell asap

Please get him out, OP.

He sounds dangerous.

You are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave this man, yesterday.

@amigoingmadd I have reactivated my account just to say this because I am really worried for you around this man. I was raped, and I later told a long term partner about it (it was before the relationship started). He was also a pretty angry man with some nasty views about women, and at a time that I had turned him down for sex he ended up raping me too. With the things that your partner is saying to you, and his apparent anger towards you and the fact that you are challenging him and talking about ending the relationship, I honestly think there is a danger he could do this to you too.

Please be really careful around him and if you have to stay in the same house for a day or two, do not sleep in the same bed as him, try and be somewhere he cannot get to you. This might sound over dramatic but angry men who think like him and who are being denied what they want are capable of this, I know from experience. And they won't even see what they're doing for what it is.

I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, and as everyone else has said, he has not given you any information about you, only about the monster that he is. Please get yourself away from him as soon as you can.

Sweetie, it’s hard. Really fucking hard but you don’t want your child to grow up with these views, or thinking that you’re a slag because dad says it. You get up stairs, pack him a suitcase and you tell him if he doesn’t go, you’ll call the police. It’s not his house and he has no right to treat you in this way.
His behavior sounds as though he likes to be in control and he does it by undermining you.

Just leave, he's a pig.

It’s the man who attacked me who is unemployed, which is why it didn’t make sense to say ‘why don’t you try him’ when I said ‘well if I’m a gold digger I’d have gone for a rich man’. It came out of nowhere and then he seemed to get more and more annoyed. He has since asked me (since being home), why I brought up this man’s name but I didn’t! it was him. I feel like I’m going mad but I know I’m not.
He’s mocking me now. Has sidled up in a ‘what are you like, silly’ way batting his eyelashes and asked if I’ll sleep with him and pointed out he’s asked for consent 🙄 he finds himself hilarious. He’s stuck his finger up and said ‘this is for all your online people’
Honestly I’m starting to wonder if he’s ok mentally.

Kick him out ffs!

That would be me gone

I’m so sorry thank you for sharing

OP, please, please stop engaging with his 'reasoning', his 'justification'.

It is irrelevant - and everything he says is worse.

Oh yes, he's OK mentally - he's right on script for the abusive misogynistic male script.

Have you told him you want him out of the house?

And that you will call the police if he doesn't leave?

Truly, the 'will you sleep with me' stuff is frieghtening and he is mocking the notion of consent.

Call the police before their evening rush starts.

Please, ring a family member, friend or the police and get him out your house now. He’s goading you and seems unpredictable to me which is very worrying.

He is a vile, abusive man, Op. Keep posting have if it helps. But I hope that you are able to reach out for real life support.

He is fucking disgusting. I am so, so sorry @amigoingmadd .

I have been raped in the same way by someone I knew and trusted (loved in my case) and similarly didn't report it and told few people for the same reasons as you. You are a brave and strong woman, who has already been violated in the most awful degrading and fucking painful way. You deserve so much better than an utter piece of shit like your soon to be ex. He's vile; he's deliberately re traumatising you and literally laughing in your face about it. This would break my heart into a million pieces; it's hard enough dealing with my partner's anger over what happened to me, let alone this kind of disgusting victim blaming and rape apology. I am amazed you managed to keep your cool in town - you're a much better woman than I!

Sincerely, whilst you're working out how to convince this prick out of your home and sanctuary, go scrub the inside of the loo with his toothbrush and feel happy inside when he uses it later. He deserves every bit of misery available in life - and he's full of shit anyway, so it's fitting for him to be a little bit literally so too...

Honestly, tell his mum and ask her to house him. I know she's grieving, but she'll know soon enough anyway and it's better from you than him. I have grieved 2 parents and a partner, all in difficult ways; I'd still have wanted to know about this if this was my blood acting like this, even through all those times.