Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Dear lord, get that man out of your house before he kills you.

He sounds like a fucking psychopath.

Stop rationalising it. He sounds demented.

Drop his stuff at his Mum's and change the locks.

OP, you ring his mum, read what you wrote here to her and tell her she needs to pick him up, you don’t want him there and as soon as he is gone you change the locks.

There is no coming back from this.

Do you have someone who can support you through getting him to leave, @amigoingmadd? He needs to be gone now. Bags packed, over to his mums. Thank goodness it's your house, you're not married and his mum (sorry to dump him on her but he's her son and sorry and all that but back he and his incredibly vile attitude go) are close enough geographically and mentally for him to go and stay with her.

This is my first LTB on Mumsnet and I hope he is gone as soon as is humanely possible but please be aware that someone this appalling will no doubt get very nasty when he realises what's happening, which is why it would be good for you to have someone (preferably a man as obviously he views women in an extremely disparaging manner) with you.

@amigoingmadd , pack a bag and go somewhere safe; this man is going to destroy you if you stay. Once you’re sorted get some counselling. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all this.

I read this a few hours ago but came back as I was / am so shocked and horrified about what this vile specimen is saying to you. There's no excuse and you're right to end it. Wish you all the best 🌷

Yes OP you’re right- he hates you.

I realise that’s harsh of me to say but please know it comes from a place of care.

He’s an absolute bag of shit

The reason everyone likes him is because he’s a narcissist and they’re very clever people. They put a mask on to fool everyone. That’s probably why you fell for him in the first place. But the good person he pretends to be, is not him. Who cares if everyone likes him…they don’t need to spend their lives with him. The people who love you, will believe you. I don’t know you, and I believe you.

If it’s your house (ie you own it or you’re on the lease) all you need to do is change the locks and ask him to leave. If he won’t leave then call the police.

He is a dangerous man. Get him the fuck out your house.

He's abusive - https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

I'm sorry for what happened to you and is continuing to happen to you. I hope you find a way to work towards happiness in your future.

He needs to be gone before you will get through to Women's Aid they are understaffed volunteers with an overwhelming workload.

But brilliant once you do make contact.

Are your Mum and Dad nearby OP? Would they come? Would his Mum come and pick him up if they tell her what has happened?

Can the kids go to a friend's for tea? He ill pour poison into them

"This is my house, if you do not leave peacefully within half an hour I will call the police"

Do you have any male relatives who could come over and assist you in making it very plain to him that he no longer lives in your house?
He clearly doesnt listen to what women say at all.

Im also worried he could be physically dangerous to you once he realises his freeloading life is done.

He hates you. The house is yours. Call women's aid and ask for advice. You need rid of this vile cunt now. Don't be afraid to call police if things accelerate. He is capable of any sort of violence. Any sort.

She’s a lovely woman, I can’t heap all this on her as she lost her husband recently

OP shouldn't go anywhere, it's her house.

It’s your house tell him he needs to leave it or you will be phoning the police as he’s refusing to leave.
Make sure he leaves his key and then change the locks… He sounds vile

I can't imagine she'd approve of what he's said then.

I do agree, but I also have concerns about the OP's safety if she stays.

Don’t engage any further with him. Tell him it’s over, he needs to leave. Arrange a time for him to come get all his stuff, have someone else there with you. NONE of this is your fault, he’s absolutely vile. If he refuses to leave, call the police.

Phone the police and get them to escort him out. He’s a cunt

I agree with everyone else that you need to stop trying to reason with this man and get him out of your house and your life asap. It doesn't matter what he or anyone else (including your children) think about what you are doing or why you are doing it. He is not and has never been "your friend" and in all likelihood will be a pain in the ass once he's actually left. You need some advice from Women's Aid on how to safely kick him out of the house he's sharing with you. Don't try to reason with him as he's just as likely to hurt you even more emotionally (if not physically) when he realises you're not falling for his "banter".

Of you don't want to upset his mum and I get that, can he go stay with a friend tonight, it will buy you some time.

Do you have any family support you could call on?

you need to get him out of your house and thank goodness it is your house

I felt physically sick when I read your first post, OP. And reading your updates has made me feel even more extremely angry. How DARE he! How absolutely DARE he!

Do you have family and friends you can call on to come round and support you?

You ring the police, you tell them the situation and tell them you are scared and he is refusing to leave your house. They will speak to him and ask him to leave.

in the morning you speak to a solicitor to check he’s not going to have any rights on your home if he’s been living there for so long. You get the locks changed and speak to women’s aid or your local domestic abuse service.