Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

Very good advice. It’s useless trying to have a discussion with him, much less try to make him see how appallingly he treats you. He sounds vile, and thick as a brick too. And your children are seeing you being treated like dirt. For your children’s sake if not your own, get him out of your lives.

He does believe you and was using it when lashing out to cause the most hurt.

But yes, I do agree with that. He's talking like a rapist and it would be best to get him out as soon as you possibly can for your own peace and safety.

And tell everyone what he's done, including his mother. He doesn't deserve any of that 'high road' nonsense.

I did ask him when he walked through the door if he’d asked his mum if he could stay with her and he was like ‘of course not, I live here’ I said I don’t want to be with him after today and that’s when the eye rolling started. I only heard what I wanted to hear and that what he said wasn’t that bad. He said something like am I going to split up the family because some women don’t like hearing a few home truths.

I don’t normally say this but tell him to leave. Don’t argue with him, don’t try to explain or justify yourself. I am sorry your eight year old will have to see him, keep it to as little as you can, hopefully he will lose interest. Be very formal and don’t ask him for anything but the exact maintenance payments for your daughter. Focus on getting yourself into the best place possible, it’s irrelevant what he thinks and it’s not that important what anyone else thinks either.

My suspicion would be he does believe you were raped (otherwise he's saying he thinks you cheated on him which doesn't fit with it only just coming up now). However, him accepting that you were violently sexually assaulted can't sit comfortably with his own behaviour and would force him to accept that he's also a bully to at least some degree (potentially also a rapist/sexual.abuser), and that his friends are horrible dangerous people. The cognitive dissonance is too big, so he makes it your fault something that you enjoyed etc, rather than take any responsibility for his feelings and behaviour. Maybe he thinks you had no business being wherever the rape happened - and i could understand someone being upset that their parter had gone along with a scenario that wasn't very safe and led to them being attacked - but to turn that round to abusing them for it is just not on.

He really hates you OP.
You poor woman.

I hope you reach out for support and get him out quickly.

He's doubling down here. He really is despicable. At the very least he needs to sleep in another room, but I'd be sending him to his mum's tonight while you get your thoughts in order.

As you aren’t married and it’s your house give him written notice and call the police if he doesn’t go. It doesn’t concern you where he goes. I wouldn’t ask if he can stay with his mother I would just tell him he has written notice to go. You are in a better position to get rid of him quickly than if you were married and owned the house jointly

Sleeping in the same bed as someone who calls rape surprise sex is not something I'd be happy to do.

What's your relationship with his Mum like?

Stay safe OP. At the end of a relationship is when women are most vulnerable, so please do consider that and put plans in place to protect yourself.

E.g it might be wise to change your locks and have other adults about when you're interacting with your ex in person. Don't let him in late at night etc

This is excellent advice. Do get someone supportive with you when you do this.
The only slight changes I would make to the suggested text is 'I have heard what you have to say and am now telling you to leave my house within the next hour'.
Good luck. You can do this. Have faith in yourself. If he doesn't leave or if you can't get a friend or two to be with you I would then suggest that you get the locks changed when he is out somewhere. Then pack his shit up ready for him to take when he fucks off.
Also. He has no rights to your home. He is basically a lodger and does not have the same rights as a tenant. If you need to do this and he calls the police then don't let them palm him back off to you. You feel And if you feel threatened at any point report him to the police yourself.

Yes, please be careful, OP. This is not a good man and you may be at risk.

Maybe let him think you're going to let it drop until he next leaves the house, and then gets the locks changed.

Call someone else for help if you need it. He sounds like he could be dangerous.

It’s barely believable that men like this actually exist but clearly they do. OP, I realise it’s very difficult after ten years, but you really must get him out as soon as possible. He clearly thinks it will all blow over. Use the element of surprise, tell him he needs to go right now and say you will call the police if he doesn’t. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be. Tell everyone about his behaviour before he gets his side of the story out there.

I don't know this guy, but based on what you are saying, it sounds like he's trying to think of you as a person who doesn't deserve respect (calling you a slag, slut, saying you wanted it), which is a first step towards making it easy to sexually assault someone. He might be using your previous assault as a way to justify how he could do similar.

Just be cautious if you can.

Don’t tell him about this thread, OP. He may find it. He sounds utterly vile. Do you have a sibling or friend who can come and stay with you for a short while, while you kick this guy out?

Insane he thinks he's got the right to stay in a relationship with you against your will, but that seems to match his general approach to women's consent. He is truly one of the scummiest men I've heard about on here, and the competition is stiff.

What a horrible vile man. He sounds dangerous tbh
As other said do not justify or argue with him trying to make him hear your point because he just does not care at all.

The arrogance of him when he came back to your home not believing that he was really being put out of the house.
He really did not believe you will make him go
I would try to get him out as soon as possible even calling the police if you have to. Call your parents or a friend let them know what's going on. Call women's aid and talk to them as soon as you can.

Do t waste another second trying to work out why he thinks that. That is a pointless exercise and will get you nowhere.

All you need to know is that he is vile and this relationship should end. It is as simple as that.

I am so sorry that you have had these awful experiences. Protect yourself from him by dumping him.

OP this is awful I am so sorry.

I would agree with trying to get someone supportive over if you can.

I would be absolutely crystal clear, matter of fact and emotionless as possible (in the moment. Cry all you want later). Tell him there is no coming back from what he said, the relationship is over. He needs to leave. You will discuss finances and child arrangements at a future date. Thats all you have to say and there is nothing more to discuss

He is disgusting and you deserve so much better

He is an abusive piece of shit.

Please call women's aid and ask for advice/support in getting him out of your home and your life.

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP. My blood ran cold reading your posts. I think you need to get yourself out of this relationship as quickly as possible. I hope you have some good support in real life to help you through this.

he was like ‘of course not, I live here’ - Not anymore - this is your house, his sponging days are over..
I said I don’t want to be with him after today and that’s when the eye rolling started.
I only heard what I wanted to hear and that what he said wasn’t that bad. He denied that you were raped, it is that bad, its diabolical

He said something like am I going to split up the family because some women don’t like hearing a few home truths. He is splitting up your family as he called you a slag, he denied that you were raped etc, he is beyond vile. You are far better off on your own. At a guess he is all about protecting the woman folk. The reason why women dont report is because of men like him.

I am so sorry that you have wasted so much time with an evil evil disgusting man like this.

This is appalling. The whole way he has behaved is beyond disgusting. Is this a sudden change in character or has he been abusive to you before? You need him out asap.