Husband's gaming and shouting are making home life increasingly difficult

[Rambolina25]

I’m married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children between 10-16. He is a hardworking, conscientious person, pulls his weight at home and is good with the kids. However, he has a v stressful job and is the main breadwinner (I earn a decent wage but not as much as him). He has also had some health issues which has triggered some anxiety and anger issues - think, grumpy old man syndrome.

For the last 3 years, he’s taken to gaming. I maybe aibu but I think it’s a very unattractive hobby and feel disgusted he’s so obsessed with it. The worst thing however is the constant raging and swearing at the screen, which literally makes me dread when he’s about to go on. His time spent gaming doesn’t interfere with house work, work or time with the family. But he does go on it a lot on weekends. To him it’s stress relief. I’ve told him not to swear and shout but he can’t help it and the cycle goes on. I’m at my wits end but seems v drastic to leave for this alone. I love it when we are on holiday as he is back to normal and no gaming. Pls help me rationalise this somehow.

Just to add, our marriage isn’t brilliant. I think he wants to do better - but the gaming / other health issues has made him into a social recluse. I feel lonely and isolated

He sounds unbelievably dull, and it’s also not very attractive - shouting and swearing at the screen. Of course he can help it: he just doesn’t want to and doesn’t see why he should change.

You say it sends drastic to leave him for this alone - but is this what you want the next twenty years of your life to look like? Also, if he games a lot at weekends, how does it not interfere with time with the family?

Oh please, my 13yo DS does that and it's unacceptable enough. I'm concerned about his anger, and working on that very seriously. The difference is that I'm his mother and he's a child.
A grown adult is something else. You don't have to rationalise something that is unattractive and, in my opinion, a big red flag.

This is the part you leave over, more than the gaming. Although using aggressive language regularly after being asked to stop is also a sign of disrespect and contempt.

Thanks for your reply. On weekends, he makes sure he spends some time with kids, does laundry etc. but when kids are busy or if people are watching tv, he will do it. He spends a ‘token’ hour with me out of duty, then goes to game. It’s more the shouting and swearing I can’t bear. I’m quite sensitive to loud noises and shouting anyway, so I probably have a lower threshold than others. He never used to be like this. Only in recent years.

He can help it. I don't shout and swear at the screen. The odd squeal on occasion maybe. I'm the same as you when the men in the house are watching football. Just no need to shout and swear, it puts me on edge. Why do people do that? Just watch it FFS **

Thanks. I’ve brought it up countless times. He keeps saying to text him if he is shouting. There are other compatibility issues but I’m willing to ignore those. But the gaming is awful. Splitting up is not an option. When he doesn’t game, things are fine enough. Are there other options?

It’s the stuff he says - it’s truly awful. I think he thinks I’m being unreasonable as that is the only thing in life he likes doing - and I am getting in the way of it.

Could you record him when he’s deep into a swearing fit and show him the video at a time he’s calm? It might shock him into changing things.

Splitting up is always an option.
He can help it. He’s an adult who can choose whether to swear or not. He can also choose to find better coping mechanisms and seek professional help if he needs it.

Thanks. I think he’s aware of his swearing but doesn’t seem to care that much. The professional help is a good idea - but not sure if he will do it. V much doubt it. He’s had a recent health issue which has caused him to be stressed/low mood. He also doesn’t care much about himself - saying that after kids leave home, then he doesn’t care what happens to himself. His father abandoned him when he was young so he has no good male role model. He was great when we got married although I did have some small reservations as to whether he was the one. We have theee absolutely amazing children. I can’t give it all up for this issue.

constant raging and swearing at the screen,
It’s the stuff he says - it’s truly awful.

Are your children hearing this? Point out the effect it will be having on them, especially the youngest. This has been going on since s/he was seven.

And maybe a teacher could say - would it be considered a cause for concern if youngest mentioned it at school?

You can give it up. You ve done your time. Do you want another 20 years like this ? Do you want your kids to live with this ?
He can game away his life but you do not have to stay and live with this.

My DS was like this when he was 12 and got a PlayStation during lockdown. We had to ban him for a week every now and then to detox him. Thankfully he grew out of it and only plays occasionally now.

It sounds like your DH is addicted to, or craving gaming. Have you thought of recording him and playing it back so he can hear himself, and hear with you and the kids are hearing?

I could try the recording. I’m just scared it will make him more angry. I’ve already told him how it makes me feel. Admittedly, I do it mostly when he is mid gaming so he gets enraged.

Can he take up exercise instead. To physically relieve the stress and improve his mental and physical stress. Outside is the best for mental health in a local forest or park. Walking 10k steps for example every day then building up to couch 2 5k. And weight lifting get him a PT

He used to run and go to gym but has really painful back issues. He’s given up on himself and just games. I could start a whole other thread on how he doesn’t socialise at all and the impact that has on me

He can stop himself shouting and swearing, he’s just choosing not to. It doesn’t sound like much of a marriage to me tbh. Do you love him?

This sounds grim. I’ve had boys of my own who shout when gaming (now moved out).

you can buy soundproof mouth covers for gamers which help with this type of problem - although I hope you guys can deal with the real problems at the root of things for him. 💐

What sort of an example is he setting to the children? My son did this shouting when gaming thing at about 14 years old. It’s pathetic that a grown man is doing this, and I’d have no respect for him whatsoever. I’d be seeking a divorce to be honest.

you can buy soundproof mouth covers for gamers which help with this type of problem

OMG, I'm off to google. This could be the answer to DH's snoring!!

Thanks. I don’t know if I love him to be honest. I probably do but can’t see an easy way out of this situation. I really feel divorce is too big a step right now.

That’s quite sad @Rambolina25

Maybe you need to have a deeper think about what you’re getting from this marriage, what you’re giving to it and whether those things are properly balanced. I dont think anyone should stay in a loveless marriage, it seems like such a depressing way to live.

I would be tempted to let him know that all the shouting and swearing is unacceptable and if it happens again, you are just going to turn the wifi off. You shouldn't have to text him, it just makes you the "nagging wife".

Record him. Record a few sessions of him shouting.

Wait until he is in a reasonable mood and not about to or just finished gaming. Tell him you want to talk to him about something and you would like him to just listen first and then you can discuss. I'd be tempted to let him listen on his own without you watching. Then ask him if he can see why this isn't something you and your children should have to listen to and is perhaps something he should be concerned about himself - it probably isn't healthy for him either to express that degree of rage.

I know he is low mood and depressed etc but he doesn't have to stay like that. There are things he could do for his mental health.