Husband's gaming and shouting are making home life increasingly difficult

[Rambolina25]

I’m married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children between 10-16. He is a hardworking, conscientious person, pulls his weight at home and is good with the kids. However, he has a v stressful job and is the main breadwinner (I earn a decent wage but not as much as him). He has also had some health issues which has triggered some anxiety and anger issues - think, grumpy old man syndrome.

For the last 3 years, he’s taken to gaming. I maybe aibu but I think it’s a very unattractive hobby and feel disgusted he’s so obsessed with it. The worst thing however is the constant raging and swearing at the screen, which literally makes me dread when he’s about to go on. His time spent gaming doesn’t interfere with house work, work or time with the family. But he does go on it a lot on weekends. To him it’s stress relief. I’ve told him not to swear and shout but he can’t help it and the cycle goes on. I’m at my wits end but seems v drastic to leave for this alone. I love it when we are on holiday as he is back to normal and no gaming. Pls help me rationalise this somehow.

Sorry for the late reply. I’m a gaming snob so…ick COD lol. I don’t think I could hang about with one of those… troglodytes.

And he calls you hormonal for calling out his bs? Yuck.

Honestly op I’d want out. I wouldn’t want my kids raised in this environment where their dad disrespects you like this. And I do t stand for gaslighting twats who instead of fixing their own behaviour, try to make out you are the bad guy for calling them out on it. He’s a weak man.

The best thing you can do by you and your kids is to end it and show your children we do not stay in unhealthy relationships where our partner is disrespectful.

A man screaming and shouting in the home is probably quite intimidating too. I wouldn’t want to be around it.

Oh seriously, tell him to pack his console up and fuck off. Like what’s the point in him? He’s a wanker and he’s making you miserable.

With people who WANT to change. He doesn’t want to change op. He doesn’t care about how he’s treating you.

I agree with all of you. 😥thank you

Yeah I saw them after. Doesn’t sound good 😣😣

I haven’t told anyone in RL about this. To be honest, I am embarrassed by him and this issue.

I didn’t think your suggestion was a bad one though and was grateful. I think it’s worth trying counselling either individual or couple but v much doubt he will do it.

Get councilling for yourself. To have someone to talk to and to build up your self esteem.

It’s never recommended to get councilling with a partner where abuse is present in the relationship.

Why do you feel you need to wait seven years to leave? You really should get out as soon as possible so that your kids don’t have to live in this environment. They will be walking on eggshells too.

OP, you sound scared of your husband. I agree that he is an adult and you can't ban him from doing anything but you certainly can leave him. This isn't working for you on any level from your posts and you seem to be accepting of it. I can't imagine this is a nice environment for any of you.

You sound incompatible on many levels and despite him knowing you hate him shouting and swearing from an upper level of your house, he isn't willing to stop. That's the problem. He isn't considering your needs.

I think you've hit a marital impasse. This sounds incredibly difficult and I hope someone else on MN has a story about leaving the 'lovely home' full of angry husband and finding peace and happiness in a much smaller one minus all the shouting and swearing. Your happiness is really important, OP. You sound like you are willing to sacrifice it. Wouldn't it be nice to live happily while your children are still living with you rather than waiting until they've grown up and left? I'm not a gamer but my friend's husband is, although in a much more balanced way than your DH perhaps, but there is certainly none of this going on. The two things don't go together always. Your DH sounds unhinged at the very least. I hope you find a solution.

This is no way to live and certainly not what you want your children to learn about being an adult. I can not begin to explain to you how much better your childrens lives would be if you ended this abusive relationship. They only get one childhood, don't let it be an awful one.

No therapist would see an abuser with his victim, all it does it teach the abuser better tactics and gives him an audience.
He's already stalking you online, restricting your friendships and abusing you and your kids.
Contact agencies offline to help you, if he's stalking this thread and punishing you today for it.

Your children are learning from this behaviour Record him and send it to his parents. He is doing this deliberately. There is no part of him not bale to control this.

When anyone says "they cant help it" they really mean they will just carry on regardless. If you DH is doing something that you really don't like and you have told him repeatedly (his version "nagging") ignores you its just blatant disrespect.the divorce will come out of nowhere. He could easily stop shouting and swearing he chooses not to and guilts you because you dont understand his stress. Put on some really loud music by an artist he hates and hoover outside his gaming room. When he challenges you tell him you have to do something to drown out his swearing because it stresses you out. I mean everytime. Or just file for divorce.

Unfortunately, OP, there is nothing you can do about this. The only person who can change something is your husband, and it seems like he does not want to. I know that you think this is not a big enough reason to leave, and this, unfortunately, is something we hear every day here in MN. The thing is, having a husband who is a gamer and swearer is not what is bad; it is having a husband who does not care how you feel or what you think, having a husband you are afraid to talk to, not being able to have friends and family around your own home because of your husband etc. Do you see what I mean? If you decide to leave, you would not do it because your husband is a gamer but because his an 😫... well, you know, not a nice man.

Now that I think of it, I’m pretty scared to do a lot of things, in case he gets angry
...
we have just moved into our lovely new home. My heart would break if I had to leave this.

You've created a prison for yourself.

I grew up in a house like this too. I have C-PTSD. I’ve been in therapy for 25 years.

He won’t consider the impact on his children but you can.

I do understand your attachment to the lovely home. But your children would be much happier in a small home with no shouting.