Husband's gaming and shouting are making home life increasingly difficult

[Rambolina25]

I’m married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children between 10-16. He is a hardworking, conscientious person, pulls his weight at home and is good with the kids. However, he has a v stressful job and is the main breadwinner (I earn a decent wage but not as much as him). He has also had some health issues which has triggered some anxiety and anger issues - think, grumpy old man syndrome.

For the last 3 years, he’s taken to gaming. I maybe aibu but I think it’s a very unattractive hobby and feel disgusted he’s so obsessed with it. The worst thing however is the constant raging and swearing at the screen, which literally makes me dread when he’s about to go on. His time spent gaming doesn’t interfere with house work, work or time with the family. But he does go on it a lot on weekends. To him it’s stress relief. I’ve told him not to swear and shout but he can’t help it and the cycle goes on. I’m at my wits end but seems v drastic to leave for this alone. I love it when we are on holiday as he is back to normal and no gaming. Pls help me rationalise this somehow.

Where is the gaming going on? Is it your living room and keeping you from relaxing? Can the gaming equipment move elsewhere so his shouting is less impactful? Even if this seems unlikely, you could raise this as a question - giving the impression you are not trying to stop him - you just want it to not affect everyone else….?
Do the children notice? What do they say?

For what it’s worth I think his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he is being very selfish to ignore your concerns. At the same time, I am not sure you can stop him if you’re not at the point of wanting to leave.

You should record him and play it back as has been suggested. It does not sound like he has any insight himself so evidence will help with that at least.

There Is way more going on than the (unbearable) shouting and screaming.

Hes given up on himself, you say several times. What is he, waiting to grow old and die? (Serious q)

Do his children mean nothing to him now?

Im very sorry, but it sounds like honestly you don't mean anything to him now (confronting, I know :( ) because of how he speaks to you, which is frankly outrageous.

I think that if there's anything left in him that wants to fight, you need marriage counselling and he urgently needs mental health help. Urgently.

If not ... well, you say you don't want divorce, but it might be an idea to make theoretical plans. It comes down to this: you can only change yourself, not him.

He is telling you (however facetiously) that he’s doing this to get away from you. He’s also driving you away from him. That’s a pretty clear message.

You need to have a serious conversation about whether you each want to continue to live with each other.

Sounds like he sees you as a domestic appliance, that can be taken for granted and resented, not as someone he wants to spend time with.

Also, be aware that if he’s not taking care of himself physically, his health will decline, possibly quite fast once the residue of former fitness melts away.

Do you want to find yourself trapped in the role of nurse to an angry, resentful prematurely infirm man? One who could live for decades in that state?

Yes there are. Do what I did with DS1 when he was about 15 and shouting while on FIFA. Turn the power off.

I told him I was prepared to do it every time he behaved like that. It did not take many goes before he got the message.

Work out which switch in the consumption unit controls the relevant power sockets and flip it. Calmly tell him that you will do it every time he is shouting and swearing.

If he behaves like a child he will be treated like a child.

If shooting imaginary people on an imaginary screen and shouting obscenities is literally the only thing he likes doing, he is a very sad sack indeed. Do you really want to stay married to that?

Gaming is addictive and stressful so he’s actively keeping his stress levels up as he becomes enraged. He also expects you to message him when he becomes too loud and aggressive, to parent his behaviour but then it makes you a target for his foul mouth rants. It also makes everyone in the house feel anxious so he is making everyone nervous and on edge as he rages even if he is in another room. Your children can’t invite friends round as their parents would be horrified at their children hearing such language, nor can you so his hobby is affecting everyone but he’s only interested in himself. He may have good points but he is keeping the household hostage with his hobby and teaching his children that it’s ok to become aggressive when frustrated.
Imagine being called into school because one of your children repeated the language they hear from him on a regular basis and explaining to the school that it’s ok, they didn’t direct any aggression towards anyone they were letting off steam.

I get the ‘letting off steam’ bit. But is it cathartic and does he end up feeling better at the end?

The thing with sport is that you let off steam physically, possibly verbally with defined boundaries. Then afterwards you feel tired and elated, because of the physical effects of exercise. The beneficial effects on mood last a few days and your body stays fit / gets fitter.

Is he getting any of those lasting benefits from gaming?

I think you are making excuses for his behaviour that he is giving up on himself because of recent health scares. He is angry at life and making sure everyone is affected. If someone cared about his family and you told them being on his game console is scaring us all with your aggression and swearing they would be horrified and sell the bloody thing but your husband justifies his actions and feels he deserves to go on there even if it’s to the detriment of his family. He is deliberately driving you away and making you walk on eggshells around him. That is abusive and that is not a trait great dads or husbands have!

I could NOT be with a guy who is a gamer
Even my kids have think its sad and pathetic
He needs to GET A LIFE

You need to divorce and move on

100%
He is weird

Where is he in the house? Is there somewhere he can go where he isn’t heard - like the garage!!

The unspoken truth is every aggressive profanity that is uttered is directed at each and everyone of you. You are all pretending it’s aimed at his game but it’s not, yes the game is frustrating him but he is using it as his excuse to abuse you verbally. You know it, he knows it and your children know it but as you can’t prove it you are all trying to convince yourselves otherwise.
He has told you once the kids get older he will give up, what effect will that have on them? That’s not a heroic act of love! He has already said as much that you don’t matter to him neither. He isn’t waiting for them to grow up is he, he’s of the mindset of he’s suffering then everyone else has to suffer too.

Thanks for all your comments. I feel so much less alone. Trying to answer your points in turn:

He didn’t say he would give up when the kids leave. He says he gives up on life and doesn’t care what happens to him when they leave.

I have a very active social life. I think it has improved significantly since this issue to be honest. I’ve made a concerted effort with outings, meeting existing new friends and putting myself forward for new experiences. In fact, every aspect of my life outside the home, including work, is going well, save for what happens indoors.

it’s not always horrendous. I don’t mind him at all when not gaming. He doesn’t particularly make any effort to spend time with me but that pales into comparison to the horrific language. There are other selfish parts to his personality- but again, not deal breakers.

divorce is an option but probably another 7 years off before that’s a viable route for me. If I raise it, he just says go on then, but I know it’s not feasible so it’s an empty threat.

Have you got room in the house for him to have a separate room or one of those small garden pods?

He is at top of house but can hear him with doors closed when I am in the bottom. I had to leave one of the rooms and ran out with my hands over my ears in case I heard him. That’s not normal is it

Nope - and even more it’s not ok if he is carrying on and knows full well its upsetting you -does he like annoying you ? My H isa constant moaner /ranter when driving and to be honest even though I don’t drive I really dislike being in the car with him for very similar reasons, it just drags the atmosphere down

Are you sure it’s not feasible?

Thought experiment: imagine if instead of shouting and swearing, he were smashing things up. Would you leave then?

Would they work on football fans. They're worse for shouting and swearing!! P

Tbh OP this sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue in your marriage. Your brain and nervous system is telling you loudly that this relationship isn't right for you anymore. The more sneery types will just focus on the gaming as the main issue

I guess I would leave. But I don’t really know how to.

youre right that this is deeper than the gaming. There’s other stuff. It’s too confronting.

You wrote that you're scared of him, his anger, he calls you names ('hormonal') and you don't love him.
The relationship is clearly over, you don't have to endure living like this, you can choose peace and happiness.

I’m so pleased you have a life outside of your home, I guessed as much there were more issues with him. He thinks being the highest earner gives him the right to rule - am I right?
He sounds unbearable to live with and no it’s not norma, it’s abusive. You need noise cancelling ear phones but you still can’t have a phone call, talk to each other and watch tv. I hope you get to a point where you feel able to leave him, do you own your own home or rent? I would start getting your ducks in a row, seeing what you would be entitled too and then start thinking about your options.

You need a plan. It's hard to know how to get started and it makes us just freeze. A chat with a solicitor about your rights might be a good start and there's a load of people on here have pushed that wheel before.

By "It's too confronting", do you mean that you find it difficult to confront the truth about him, or that he is also showing other, more confronting behaviours?