Husband's gaming and shouting are making home life increasingly difficult

[Rambolina25]

I’m married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children between 10-16. He is a hardworking, conscientious person, pulls his weight at home and is good with the kids. However, he has a v stressful job and is the main breadwinner (I earn a decent wage but not as much as him). He has also had some health issues which has triggered some anxiety and anger issues - think, grumpy old man syndrome.

For the last 3 years, he’s taken to gaming. I maybe aibu but I think it’s a very unattractive hobby and feel disgusted he’s so obsessed with it. The worst thing however is the constant raging and swearing at the screen, which literally makes me dread when he’s about to go on. His time spent gaming doesn’t interfere with house work, work or time with the family. But he does go on it a lot on weekends. To him it’s stress relief. I’ve told him not to swear and shout but he can’t help it and the cycle goes on. I’m at my wits end but seems v drastic to leave for this alone. I love it when we are on holiday as he is back to normal and no gaming. Pls help me rationalise this somehow.

What games is he playing? I game and I can’t say shouting and swearing at my scream is a regular occurrence. Is he playing some awful crap like online COD or something?

I’d suggest he diversify his range of games. You probably wouldn’t have these issues if he was building a settlement in medieval dynasty for example. I’d ask him to expand his range of gaming. And try to stay away from shooting and maybe sports or whatever it is that’s causing his bad language. He isn’t 12. There’s no excuse. If he can’t control himself he should switch to games that don’t cause this reaction.

Yes it’s an online shooting and killing game. It’s the only one he plays. I wouldn’t care if it was Mario kart - or maybe I would if he was screaming and swearing - which he probably would do if he lost. Is there any chance I am being unreasonable here? He says it’s literally the only thing he likes to do. And that he does everything else for the family so he deserves this time. I just miss the old days pre gaming.

I’ve read some forums which suggest that video games is just a hobby and I should not parent him by forbidding to do it. It really disgusts me though. If I knew he would be like this later on in the marriage, or if there were no kids involved, I would definitely leave. I wish he knew how sick it makes me. But I think he would truly resent me if I banned him from it

That's weird because our neighbours son games and we can hear him shouting all bloody summer
Why do they have to shout?

He says he feels so stressed and angry so can’t help but shout. I don’t understand why you would do something that makes you feel this way. Plus makes me feel so awful. I’ve wound myself up about this now. He will just say Aibu and hormonal as always.

I would see focusing on a game that involved shooting and killing as the equivalent of watching extreme pornography.

It is a bigger problem than children overhearing him shout.

If he thought it was a problem and wanted to change, you would have options.

But I think you might be at the end of the line.

It's a concern if he's spending all his free time gaming and none with you and the kids, though it sounds like you're kind of done with him and will be moving on when the kids are old enough? The shouting and swearing loud enough to disturb the rest of the household is very unreasonable, though, and needs action.

But it is just a hobby and it's really controlling to try and stop him playing because you don't like the hobby rather than mitigating the impact of the shouting on the household.

I think recording him (tell him you're going to, so he can understand why you need things to change, before you do it) is a good idea. Play it over when you're both calm and in relatively good moods. Remind him this is what the 10 year old hears as well you. That it makes the house an unpleasant place to be and you can't escape it without going out.

Some ways to mitigate the impact - If he wears headphones, get him to make sure the settings are set so his mic input also comes through (I think it's called sidetone). Another tool is a decibel meter linked to lighting that lights up orange then red when he goes over certain volumes.

And, of course - Could you build a garden room, insulate it for heat and sound and he use that for playing? Or soundproof the loft or some other area of the house?

You need to talk to him about it when he is not gaming. I would record it and play it when he is calm. You don't have to argue about it, it can be a boundary for you and you don't have to stay married.

You don't have to live with shouting, screaming and swearing. The gaming is irrelevant really. Whatever the reason, it is unacceptable.

You work too, shouldn't you have a home you can relax in?

Is their scope for him to change job? Could you both plan an escape route for him? Move to a cheaper house, extend your mortgage for a while, make some cut backs?

Is there any chance I am being unreasonable here? He says it’s literally the only thing he likes to do. And that he does everything else for the family so he deserves this time.

You haven't asked him not to "game" or even to cut back. You've asked him not to disrupt the household with loud noise and audible antisocial commentary on an ongoing basis when there's no need ( loud constant noise is not an inherent part of gaming as it would be for other pastimes like playing the trombone or making hammered metal statues). Obviously, people don't have a right to do whatever hobby they want without any regard for others in the household - what if you took up smoking cigars or breeding longhaired cats and he was allergic?

Tell him he can game but the noise has to stop. And, crucially: make it his problem to figure out how - study self-control videos on YouTube? Go to anger management therapy (and do the work to change)? Install some kind of soundproofing in the room he uses now? Build/convert a space in the yard? Rent a space elsewhere? Game in his car, parked far enough away so those in the house cannot hear?

Having read your follow-up that He says he feels so stressed and angry so can’t help but shout - that's the real problem, not the gaming. He CAN control his anger, otherwise he would not be able to interact with you and the children, do his share around the house, or hold a job. Why can't he control it in the specific context of gaming? Also, you mentioned that you are upset about the specific things he says - if he's yelling things that are, just for example, threatening or misogynistic or racist or whatever else, that is a problem whether he games or not.

I’m so sorry to read this. @Rambolina25 forget about the shouting. That’s the least of your problems. He sounds like he has serious mental health issues and likely depression and he needs to get proper care for those.
I broke up with a former bf because he refused to get any help for his obvious depression as it marred our relationship. He needs an ultimatum. You can look up services but he will have to make that move and I doubt that he will unless he realises what’s at stake.

saying that after kids leave home, then he doesn’t care what happens to himself

He needs help with his mental health.

He needs to find a form of exercise that is compatible with his injury, and to pursue that rather than a hobby which increases his own stress and that of those around him.

You need to communicate to him that you are at the end of your tether and trying to work out a way to leave him.

I think you need to emphasise with him that it’s his behaviour while he’s in the games, not the hobby itself. It’s not controlling to find vile ranting and shouting unacceptable.

Thank you so much for all your suggestions. It validates how I’m feeling, thank you. It is the rage and anger I have a problem with. He was also snappy with me this morning. Every time I try to bring it up, he shuts me down or says he doesn’t care. I’m not perfect either - I have pmdd and can be moody and irritable at certain times of the month. He constantly throws that in my face and says he does the gaming to get away from me.

I shouldn’t have to live like this. The trouble is the incompatibility which I have tried to ignore. We don’t have similar interests at all. I am sociable and have a growth mindset, constantly trying to improve myself and trying to give the kids a good life. I want to explore new places. He has reached peak of his career and has given up. It’s like he feels there’s nothing left to do or enjoy.

Why do you feel that leaving him is not an option?

Would marriage counselling help do you think? Does it help in general?

Because it’s such a life changing monumental decision that could jeopardise our lives. If it wasn’t for this issue, it would be ok. Not perfect, but a decent foundation I could build on.

Record him and play it back to him, maybe he doesn’t realise how loud awful it is

Does he have an idea that you are thinking this might be the nail in the coffin of your marriage? Because you really do need to tell him that. Even if it’s in a letter or WhatsApp. Personally I’d do a WhatsApp and once I was sure he’d read it I’d delete it.
I’d say something along the lines of I’ve tried to talk to you about this but you don’t want to hear or discuss it. But I thought you should know that I’m considering separating and divorce. If you still don’t think it’s worth a reasonable calm discussion then I have my answer.

Is he swearing and shouting in earshot of the children?

If he can't find anything constructive that he likes doing, that in itself is slightly pathetic. I don't see how it can be stress relief, either, if he's getting so worked up about it that he's shouting and swearing. Most people get their stress relief by something relatively peaceful like walking, crafts, listening to music etc.

Why does he suggest you text him if he's shouting? Can't he work it out for himself?

Sounds like you both need hobbies outside the house. He’d benefit from a suitable form of exercise that’s also social, to find camaraderie and purpose. You need independent hobbies so you’re not dependent on him for your social life.

You can’t force change in him. You can tell him what you see - that his response to physical health challenges has been a serious slump in his mental health, which he’s embraced. He’s not attempting to improve either state of health, so you guess this is his life from now - which will only get worse. You don’t know if you and the dc can carry on living with that.

He seems to be clinging to the DC as a way of finding purpose, without considering the effect of his choices on them.

So tell him it’s marriage counselling or divorce.

Also, if recording his anger makes him angry, keep those recordings for the marriage counselling sessions and/or custody decisions.

Get him a dog anti-bark collar. It’s set off by loud noises.

He needs to grow the fuck up. if he's shouting and swearing it doesn't sounds like it's stress free and doing him any favours.

I personally don't like gaming and think adults who game need to give their head a wobble and stop acting like 10yr olds.