Husband's gaming and shouting are making home life increasingly difficult

[Rambolina25]

I’m married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children between 10-16. He is a hardworking, conscientious person, pulls his weight at home and is good with the kids. However, he has a v stressful job and is the main breadwinner (I earn a decent wage but not as much as him). He has also had some health issues which has triggered some anxiety and anger issues - think, grumpy old man syndrome.

For the last 3 years, he’s taken to gaming. I maybe aibu but I think it’s a very unattractive hobby and feel disgusted he’s so obsessed with it. The worst thing however is the constant raging and swearing at the screen, which literally makes me dread when he’s about to go on. His time spent gaming doesn’t interfere with house work, work or time with the family. But he does go on it a lot on weekends. To him it’s stress relief. I’ve told him not to swear and shout but he can’t help it and the cycle goes on. I’m at my wits end but seems v drastic to leave for this alone. I love it when we are on holiday as he is back to normal and no gaming. Pls help me rationalise this somehow.

I agree with this. DH and I are both gamers, so unlike some pp I believe that it's a perfectly acceptable hobby for adults if done sensibly. The trick is not to let it become all consuming or be a twat about it, which is what your DH is doing OP. It's not normal to shout and scream at video games so loudly that it can be heard several rooms away.

The fact that you are on eggshells about confronting him about it speaks volumes.

You wouldn't be divorcing him for playing his games, but because he's angry, unpleasant company, goads and taunts you (hormonal, 'go ahead'), you don't love him and the relationship doesn't enhance your life, which is what a relationship is for.

There's a website called WikiVorce, and the divorce can be started online. The house would need sold or one person buys the other out. The kids are old enough to come and go between houses as they please.
You could have a peaceful house of your own, no angry men, no one calling you names or treating you with hatred.

It seems like his nervous system and probably the childhood experiences and/or trauma are at the root of this.
Often in my experience, the nervous system being out of kilter can trigger physical problems like back problems.
Unfortunately again imho men struggle more to get themselves out of "fight" mode (fight, flight freeze etc are trauma responses) and end up chasing that feeling somewhere else.
This sounds like a downward spiral unless he does something about it. No one else can do it for him. You jumping ship might be the push that saves him.
He is an adult and needs to work all this stuff out for himself. But he might never. This isn't your problem though.

Oh dear. My DH games a bit, but I’ve never heard him swear or scream at the game - maybe an occasional exclamation. Most of his games aren’t violent first person shooter games either - they are things like motor racing, flight simulator, building or real time strategy games. He works his stress through by going to the gym five times a week; the gaming is relaxing.

I don’t think your true problem is actually the gaming. I think the problem is that you are living with someone with so much pent up rage and frustration who isn’t dealing with the root causes. I suspect he would be behaving the same if his hobby was jigsaw puzzles, swearing every time a piece didn’t fit where he expected, or as PP have said watching sport and yelling every time his team was scored against. I’d approach it not from the angle of gaming, but from the angle of the stress he is clearly trying to find an outlet for and how can he better deal with that. Definitely counselling.

This is absolutely not normal in any way shape or form.

You should not have to live like this.

Nor should your children.

If this noise is distressing you, imagine what it's doing to your DC. He has no right to fill the family home where other people live with his anger. Their home should be their safe space, not a warzone (imaginary or otherwise).

You need to find yours. And fast. Apathy isn't an option here unless you want your DC to leave home and never come back the moment they can.

Do your DC have friends round at the weekend? How does that work?

If he is shouting and swearing, he is getting wound up, how is that stress relief?

To sit on his behind and not move is proven to make backpain worse, gentle movement and stretching would be much better to help him heal than gaming.

Gaming stress if he is so riled up probably worse for it.

Look up flippin pain resources on nhs.

He just using it as an excuse.

That is a form of abuse, making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe in your own home.

My neighbours young son screams and swears at his game every night. It fills me with anxiety and rage. He sounds unhinged. I hear his useless mother trying to manage his rages. There is no way I could have this going on in my house.

What is stopping you from separating? A divorce isn’t always a negative thing.

So he uses gaming to get rid of the stress but it is winding him up so much he is shouting and swearing. Record him and then tell him he is causing you stress and ask him what he is going to do about it. If the answer is nothing then it is time to end the relationship.

Yes you’re all right. I’ve asked him why he shouts and screams and how can he enjoy that. He says it’s some form of release. He is a very angry person. To the kind poster who shared their experience with being in the car with an angry person. I share this also. Shouts and says abhorrent things to people on the street when driving. Slags off everyone. I go to a quiet place in my mind and retreat until it’s over. If I answer back, he gets worse. I just keep quiet.

another kind poster also asked if he uses the line ‘I work really hard and main breadwinner so I deserve to do this’ - yes, this is his justification for everything. I work part time but now miss working full time as it’s a distraction and might be my way out. Although I will never earn as much as him.

as for kids friends round, he doesn’t game then thankfully. But resents having people round. I have to build up courage to say we are having dc friends round. I dread asking him. I don’t even bother asking my own friends round as it’s one less thing to worry about.

Now that I think of it, I’m pretty scared to do a lot of things, in case he gets angry

It sounds like you two need to reconnect and find commonality outside of being parents.

what did you used to do together that you could do together again? Are there any local events or autumn festivals that are happening that you could go to together?

i would also recommend looking at the charity Relate for couples therapy. It could at least give you the opportunity to understand how eachother are feeling at the moment, what you both need, and decide from there whether your marriage is salvageable

I think you already know you need to get out of this relationship, for the sake of your children if not yourself.

Talk to Women's Aid.

By telling you to do that, he is making you the manager of his actions and behaviour instead of taking responsibility for that himself. Being in an environment where there's a lot of shouting isn't normal or healthy, and neither is hearing explosives or gunshots (as there are in some games, which I had to listen to).

For him, it might be exciting as he's part of the game. For someone who has to listen to that, I don't think our brains were meant to differentiate between different kinds of shouting and our minds are more likely to interpret it as hostile and a stressful threat, especially when it's within our homes. You shouldn't have to record him - that is going to too much of an effort to explain a point that will already be obvious to him.

He spends a ‘token’ hour with me out of duty, then goes to game

His actions speak for themselves. He's checked out of your relationship and the world of gaming is now what he enjoys the most. He says it's to relieve stress. Whilst that can be true, I'd take it with a grain of salt. Telling you it's stress relieving is a very useful way to get you to back off from tell him not to game as much, isn't it? Because then she'll likely feel guilty for depriving him of that. I think it's quite likely he just finds it a lot of fun and compulsively enjoyable, but some of those games that inspire shouting can be over stimulating and lead to aggression and irritability.

I wonder what he was doing at the gym. Running is a high impact and not great for joints I imagine, but I think a lot of medical people would probably be concerned that he is not swapping that for other exercise that is low impact.

Christ.

You really, really deserve better.. and there is no way the kids aren't being affected by a screaming father and intimidated mother.

His behaviors and attitude are toxic and brings the entire household down. Your children can hear him and his filthy mouth. It does and will affect them.
At least talk to women's aid about this

I can honestly say that if my husband took up gaming as his main hobby it would be the end of our relationship. I know for some people it's a valid hobby, fair enough - but it's not what I signed up for and I find it really unattractive in adults.

Having said that, it sounds like the problems run far deeper. He sounds generally angry and unpleasant, and it sounds like you're permanently on eggshells. That's no way for you or your children to live. It's irrelevant whether he agrees with how you feel - if you decide to leave him for these reasons, he doesn't get to tell you you're wrong. You say it will blow your lives up, but I'm willing to bet you and the kids will all be happier if you're not living under this cloud.

Stop walking on eggshells.
If that means leaving then so be it.life will be better for you and dc. They are also growing up cowtowing to dad s moods
Read "why does he do that"

Read OPs posts, the man is an abuser, she's scared of him, her kids are being traumatised.
No counsellor would see an abuser and victim, rightly so.

Thank you to all of you. I also think gaming is something I would never want in a partner. Not judging - but just because I don’t get the appeal at all - but my son games and does exploratory games and is so quiet 🤫. So I don’t mind as long as he has balance.

DH is stonewalling me today and ignoring my text messages. He’s often on mumsnet so wonder if he has read this. I just wish he was mature enough to address all this. He would rather ignore and move on, using work as an excuse. I can’t afford to buy him out and we have just moved into our lovely new home. My heart would break if I had to leave this. I just need to sit things out and try and keep the peace.

He is a grown man. Ask him to act like one!

Keep whose peace? I had to grow up in a house walking on eggshells, it traumatises a child.
Read up on what cortisol does to a developing brain.