Dating men with kids when I am childfree

[SharpBluePoster]

I am 43 and have been separated for 9 months and divorce hopefully will be finalised in November.
Have dated a few men and realised I do like the company of a man and would like another relationship at some point.

However, I chose not to have children and most men around my age have them. I have been seeing someone for 5 months and we have been taking it very slowly and I do really like him. However he has an 8 year old and a 3 year old and the 8 year old stays with him every night which means we don’t get to spend the night together which I just don’t think is for me. I have all the freedom in the world and he has to be home at 8pm every night.

i also dated another man who had his kids every other weekend which was better but even then I thought if I was with him long term I would be on my own every other weekend and he is also quite tied down.

I really value my freedom and being able to be spontaneous and spend my money on whatever I feel like and it makes me a bit sad that I will struggle to find someone in the same boat to enjoy our freedoms together!

But if I limit myself to men without kids that’s slim pickings in the 40s! Or maybe older men whose kids are older might be better……

thoughts welcome!

Older men with older kids may have grandkids soon. Just stick to childless men, there isn’t really ‘less available men’ for you, because the men with kids aren’t the ones for you anyway

I do have a (young adult) DC myself but if I were in your position, I would absolutely feel like you. If I were to start dating now (I'm not, but..) I wouldn't date someone with children either. His are very young, it would totally change the dynamics of a new relationship and you'll never get a honeymoon phase, you'd leap straight into a semi-parenting role any time you spent time with them. Nothing about that is appealing imo.

only dating men without DC could well work out fine!

I’m not child free by choice but I only date men without kids. I want my own family I don’t want to be in someone else’s, so I just don’t do it. There’s lots of men out there that will fit the bill you want!

I don’t think you should date men with children. Even if you found one who was a terrible father and didn’t have his kids often, anything can change at any point and you would find yourself living with his kids full time. A parent can never stop being a parent so you’d never have the sort of unrestrained freedoms you prioritise. A change of plans is always just a phone call away.

There are loads of child free people in the world so I’d stick to those - loads of threads on here showing exactly what happens to unprepared or unwilling stepparents.

Like you said slim pickings if you restrict yourself to childless men. I say adult children only.

Why 8pm? Who's with his child until then?

The mum. She lives nearby and he picks up the 8 year old every night because he wants to stay at his house. He then drops him back the next morning. Every day.

If you are childfree by choice you need to not date men with dependant children. He needs to be a father to his children, and they should be his first priority, so you won’t be, and if he doesn’t put his children first that’s a red flag and he’s not a good person. I’d go as far as to say that if he only sees his children every other weekend he’s a bit shitty too, because he’s leaving almost all the parenting to the mother and just doing the bare minimum. That tells you a lot about him, and none of it’s good.

Stick to childfree men or men with adult children.

Don’t do it

I’ve done it twice and I’ll never do it again. Not even adult children.

Glad you picked up on this too. OP this is a very odd setup so he doesnt live with his child? How does he manage on week days with school? 8pm is very late so he child gets dropped off at his house at 8pm each night?

Sounds like you need to date a man with older kids or none at all. The fathers should be looking after their DC but I can understand this isnt something that's working for you.

Childfree men all the way, girl. I have children and there is so much drama.

No he doesn’t live with his children. He picks his son up every night around 8pm. He son will start calling him from 7 or so asking to picked up, I have heard the phone conversation many times. He then drops him back the next morning (his mum is. 2 min drive away) and his mum will get him off to school.
Apparently the kid doesn’t actually go to sleep until about 10pm which seems late to me but I am obviously not going to comment!

I am mid 40s and child free. I tried to date men with kids. I liked having every other weekend free and having a schedule I saw them. But when things got serious it was annoying having to coordinate holidays. Or him having to drop out plans for his kids if something happened. I understood as kids are always first priority. But things always fazed out by me when it was time to meet the kids. Just didn’t want to be a step mum

realised this wasn’t fair to anyone. I then decided to date guys with older teenagers or adult kids. As none were slim pickings.

I met DP 5 years ago. He has a 25 year old daughter. She is lovely, independent and just floats in and out. Only recently have I had to step in and help as a mother figure. I didn’t mind as I love DP and his daughter is his first priority.

took me a few years to find him. But I enjoyed dating and met lots of lovely people

@SharpBluePoster you say you value your freedom. However you are worried that long term you would have one weekend a month on your own . Jeeze . What about friends or hobbies or quite time ?
A new relationship isn’t going to go far if there is a child every night. This isn’t going work for you . I do think you need to learn how to be on your own though.

I am on my own all the time and have many hobbies. I like my own company. It would be two weekends a month I wouldn’t be with my partner and I don’t think I want to do that. I am allowed to feel that way.

Interesting that there is no, "we come as a package"and "i dont need another parent we are fine as we are' posts. Neither are there any 'red flags" like their would be for men in OPs position.

It certainly is different for women.

I think that people saying only go for men without DC is unrealistic.At 40 plus there will be loads with DC who would make a good partner .Having to be home by 8 pm is odd though.Maybe look elsewhere or have a break FTM

Go up in age then. Men in their 50s will mostly have kids late teens or above.

I am childfree and honestly if I ended up single now I would rather deal with having less people to choose from than try and make it work with someone who has a child. It's just such a different set of priorities, and you're going to always be lower on that list. It sounds like you are like me in that you are very happy with your life routines and setup. Of course you can be happily married to someone with kids and no kids of your own, many people are, but it's not quite "being childfree" anymore and that would be a no from me

Why do you want a relationship where you can never spend the night together?

When I was childfree, I only dated childfree men. Now I have a child, I only date men with children. It's your choice, but personally I think you're making your relationship more difficult.

I have a hard and fast rule not to blend families. Spending time with someone is US time and not for anyone else. It's not a long term thing however. It is a FWB type of deal.

You can choose to date whoever you want. Naturally this will limit your pool of potential men, especially as you age. Would you be open to dating a man with grown up kids?

Nope, I wouldn't do it. I got divorced with 3 kids and I wouldn't have wanted a man who had kids of his own. Far too stressful and awkward trying to blend a family together.

If I were childfree then not a chance. I'm not terribly maternal anyway and I'm not that fond of other people's small children. I wouldn't want to help raise them.

Stick to blokes without kids if possible - or stay single. (The older I get the more that appeals)