Dating men with kids when I am childfree

[SharpBluePoster]

I am 43 and have been separated for 9 months and divorce hopefully will be finalised in November.
Have dated a few men and realised I do like the company of a man and would like another relationship at some point.

However, I chose not to have children and most men around my age have them. I have been seeing someone for 5 months and we have been taking it very slowly and I do really like him. However he has an 8 year old and a 3 year old and the 8 year old stays with him every night which means we don’t get to spend the night together which I just don’t think is for me. I have all the freedom in the world and he has to be home at 8pm every night.

i also dated another man who had his kids every other weekend which was better but even then I thought if I was with him long term I would be on my own every other weekend and he is also quite tied down.

I really value my freedom and being able to be spontaneous and spend my money on whatever I feel like and it makes me a bit sad that I will struggle to find someone in the same boat to enjoy our freedoms together!

But if I limit myself to men without kids that’s slim pickings in the 40s! Or maybe older men whose kids are older might be better……

thoughts welcome!

Similar circumstances here. Happy to date a man with children but preferably if they are over 10 and he doesn’t have them full time. Quite specific but there you go.

I have to say he’s got an odd set up there. Having to be home at 8 every night when the child doesn’t live with him isn’t sustainable. Has he always done this? I don’t think that set up will last.

I can see why that’s not for you long term. Whilst it’s the sign of a commitment/ good parent, I understand how you’d always be questioning if you were ever going to be the priority.

I’m early 50s and I come across an extraordinary high number of men on Hinge who haven’t had any children. I was discussing this with a friend at the weekend and I find that at least 50% of them in my area don’t have children. It might even be slightly higher but we settled on around 50%.
Maybe it’s dependent on where you live.

That said I do know another friend was seeing someone for a while who had said they didn’t have children as they were older and didn’t take up much of his time so he wanted to show he was available footloose and fancy free (Ie beyond the age of trips to the zoo at weekends / not needing a step mum) - so denied their entire existence. (He’s an ex now)

But not all children want their single parent to be single forever. Some of us found it a lot easier knowing that our parent had another source of emotional support and comfort. Especially once we became adults.

And it’s not about watching a stranger take another parent’s place. The other parent still exists.

This specific man and his family have an unusual custody/co parenting arrangement that many might think seems unlikely to be good for anyone involved, including the DC.

He’s a cheeky fucker seeking to date at all when he has this set up etc and can therefore offer very little to people he dates.

Don’t understand why you’ve got past one or two dates, whatever you decide about dating men with DC more generally.

I can understand that many men in their 40s will have children but I'm sure some will be grown up or nearly grown up? My husband is 45 and his eldest is almost 17.

As you've noticed, young kids in the mix complicates things a lot. And for a parent who has minimal time, at any point, Mum could suffer an illness, change jobs, or even die and he could end up with them full time. If he's a halfway decent dad, their needs will always come first. Holidays will be hard work as he'll likely feel guilty going without them and it sounds like the family holiday wouldn't suit you. That's before any drama that their Mum may or may not choose to start. It's best avoided.

I didn’t really interrogate him on his childcare arrangements on our first date.

Why on earth would you even consider men with kids if you're child-free?

I'm child-free and there's no way I'd have even gone on one date with a dad. Trying to set boundaries is all very well but ultimately they live (or should live) a child-centric lifestyle which is inherently both limiting and unpredictable - I want no part of that, and that's why I'm child-free.

Slim pickings is an odd excuse. Dating is all about slim pickings. Compatibility is all about slimming those pickings down to find someone who's right for you.

Child-free men aren't THAT rare, I know several (who are also decent catches) in their 40s.

It was probably up to him to be clear, though. Honestly, on first dates I explain how my and my ex do things, which is 50/50 and I do have time to date, but some people might decide that's not enough for them, so there wouldn't be a second date.

How long into things was it when he told you about it? I can't imagine him thinking it wasn't a relevant conversation to have with someone he was dating, so was he deliberately hiding it from you till you were more 'hooked'?

I am childfree and if anything happened to my husband, I wouldn't go near a man for all the money in the world. And a parent couldn't possibly be less appealing.

Look up who the happiest section of society is.

Only allow a man access to you if he can demonstrate he will enhance and ease your life.

What is wrong with you? Just because that is what you have decided for yourself doesn’t mean all other childfree women need to make the same decision as you.

OK. That’s up to you and wish you all the best.

No I don’t think so. I’m not hooked.

I wouldn't - it's a catch 22, if he's a decent man it means he always puts his children first - so you have the rest of your life with him living in second place.

If he doesn't put them first, it doesn't bode well for his character.

It may be OK for women with children who are in the same boat of needing to put their children first. But I won't accept being lower than first priority with my partner.

Slim pickings isn’t that odd an excuse. The smaller your starting pool is the harder it is to find a compatible person. Men who are single and who don’t have children (and don’t want any) and who are decent are comparatively rare.

So when did he explain the arrangement?

I'm a bit confused about what you're looking for? I assume you're not happy, but you're disagreeing with everything everyone is saying.

I was dating in my early 50s, and lots of men my age had young primary aged children (mine were in their 20s).

Never suggested interrogating him. You say he explained he’s unavailable after 8pm and has his DC from then until school, that’d have been enough info for me not to bother!

A lot of you are saying that you put your kids first before a prospective partner but I don't agree with that. If its purely a date then yes you put your kids first. But once things have evolved into along term relationship then the date becomes a prospective partner. The marriage ceremony says "forsaking all other" and when you have chosen a partner they should come first. Sometimes that means the former partner has to step up a bit.

I dated a man with young kids for a year. He had them every other weekend and I also worked every other Saturday so getting a childfree weekend together was a nightmare. To make matters worse the ex kept changing the arrangements at the last minutes and dumping the kids on him out of schedule. That means we had to cancel two weekends together. When It happened for a third time it was a deal breaker and I ended it. The annoying thing was she was not changing the arrangement because she was ill or for some emergency which I might have understood. It was always for purely social reasons because she wanted to go somewhere and her childcare arrangements fell through. A pity because he was a nice guy but no boundaries and I could se where I was placed in the hierarchy.

You're not even divorced yet, what's the rush?

I'm not getting this! They can have kids, nieces, nephews, grandkids, ex's, elderly parents, elderly grandparents and family loyalties and even pets. When dating it's a non issue until it becomes an issue then you bin. Simples!!

None of that compares to the responsibility of being a parent. I don’t have to structure my life around my nieces and nephews.

no rush. Just thinking about the future a little.

I mean, have you met the kids before you make any decision? I would recommend at least meeting them once to see if you like them. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't go out; it would just be less frequent

Also, before my marriage ended I thought the exact same as you - if anything happened to my husband I would stay on my own forever. 9 months after separating I feel differently. You can’t truly know how you would feel on your own until you are.