Dating men with kids when I am childfree

[SharpBluePoster]

I am 43 and have been separated for 9 months and divorce hopefully will be finalised in November.
Have dated a few men and realised I do like the company of a man and would like another relationship at some point.

However, I chose not to have children and most men around my age have them. I have been seeing someone for 5 months and we have been taking it very slowly and I do really like him. However he has an 8 year old and a 3 year old and the 8 year old stays with him every night which means we don’t get to spend the night together which I just don’t think is for me. I have all the freedom in the world and he has to be home at 8pm every night.

i also dated another man who had his kids every other weekend which was better but even then I thought if I was with him long term I would be on my own every other weekend and he is also quite tied down.

I really value my freedom and being able to be spontaneous and spend my money on whatever I feel like and it makes me a bit sad that I will struggle to find someone in the same boat to enjoy our freedoms together!

But if I limit myself to men without kids that’s slim pickings in the 40s! Or maybe older men whose kids are older might be better……

thoughts welcome!

I have kids and sometimes (often) , they drive me insane

i love them deeply though… kids who aren’t my own?! Pass

Why are you dating him then ? Do not make others invest in relationships when they know you won’t what a future with them . Yes you will have slim pickings but you might find a more suitable person so better in the long run for you and any future guys

Agree with this.

It’s hard. I am a bit older than you and like you don’t want to date a man with children but that wipes out most of the dating market. And the ones without kids have a tendency to be Peter Panish.

Depends what is more important to you. I dated a man with young children once and honestly would be very reluctant to do that again.

I am in my fifties and only date men who have adult children, or none, and if they have adult children, ideally living away from home. I brought my own children up and don't want to spend weekends with someone else's children. It does restrict the pool but it's worth it unless you want to parent someone else's children for free. Some people I know seem to do a good job of blended families with older children, teens and upwards so perhaps they are more tolerant if they all have kids.

As someone who chose to be childfree, I can't understand this unless he's the love of your life and you can't live without him.

What are you talking about?

Yes, it's very slim pickings anyway, so if you limit yourself to childfree men, you that's narrowing down your pool even more.

However , speaking as a childless woman myself, being involved with a parent is mostly an incredibly shit deal for the child-free person. It doesn't matter how much you love that other person - you will never ever occupy that number 1 spot in their life in the same way as they will for that you. It's an asymmetrical relationship in a fundamental way from day 1.

In addition to accepting that the ex will always be in the picture as the other parent, which is something you wouldn't have to do in another scenario, the child free person gets to look forward to all the politics regarding birthdays, who's invited, who spends Christmas holidays in which house, how they prioritise their money and so on. You've opted out of having children, but by being in a relationship with someone who has children, you'll be exposed to the effects of its constraints on your relationship.

What is less discussed also, is that the childfree person often ends up being attached to and supporting children who they will likely have no contact with or zero access rights to if they ever split up with the parent. Zero access rights, and that could be very upsetting even if you try to assert some boundaries now.

I agree.

Also, in most cases, children don't want a random stranger (to them), to enter their life in a position previously held by their mother or father. I'm sorry OP, but I think it's selfish and ruthless to do this. It causes children avoidable anxiety and complicates their lives.

I usually get defensive backlash on my opinions on this, to the tune of 'Well do you expect the single parents to be single forever???'

No, but I'm thinking about it from the child's perspective and wellbeing, not what the parent wants in their romantic life.

Would you be open to dating younger men?

At your age I’d imagine you get a fair bit of attention from men under 35, who usually don’t have children and a lifestyle more compatible with yours.

I’m similar age to you and tried to date men 40+. Looking back it now seems like trying to date your dad, once children are in the picture, men’s interests, priorities and lifestyle totally change, which is only right, but doesn’t sound like what you’re looking for. As a single childfree woman you may find you have more in common with their children than them!

It could be very enriching - give it a try!

Just date men without kids op or ones that are older and have adult children.

I was a lone parent until I met my DP. The men I dated before him plus him did not have children as I did not consider ever dating someone with kids. I didn’t need all the drama of the ex wives in my life as I’d not have coped with it all.

Um... are you sure this is true OP? It is a very very strange arrangement that young siblings never sleep under the same roof. Could he actually be married and needs to get home from 'work' by 8pm?

You sound very resentful here. I would not date parents if I was you because you will be unhappy or push them to see their children less which is wrong.

I think if you are child free by choice then getting into a relationship with someone who has young children would be a mistake. Your current partner sounds like he has a very upset kid on his hands who is holding onto dad for dear life. I would step out of that quick smart as it’s not going to be straightforward.

Older teens or adult kids might be ok but I’ve got young adult children and they can still take up a lot of emotional energy. You have to decide if you’d resent that. If you’re going to resent two weekends a month then I suspect supporting 20 year olds through various life crises might bother you as well.

This is beyond mental
sounds like she’s engineering this to control his future relationships
but that aside you sound like you’d be better suited to someone with no kids or adult kids

If it were me I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Firstly the set up seems very unconventional. 10pm is very late for an 8 year old and secondly a three year old is very young.

I would either insist on child free men or go for men in their 50s upwards with grownup kids.

Some men in their mid 40s will
have adult age kids or kids in their late teens. Others may be childless, it’s less common but still many men don’t have kids.
A man with young children won’t class you as his first priority, you’d have to bear that in mind.

No, that's poor, short or overweight in whichever order ypu choose. As a child free man approaching his 50s, I also only would date childless women.

It's been a very long wait......

It is strange but I am sure he is not married, I have spent plenty of time in his house and also met friends etc. I also hear his son calling him asking him to pick him up from mums house, I have heard this conversation a dozen times or more.

I would absolutely never ever EVER push anyone to see their children less.
I may sound resentful, although I don’t think I am - I am just highlighting how odd the set up is, which most people on here seem to agree with me on. but I have not said a word to him about how much he sees his kids and I never would. It’s nothing to do with me.

I understand what you’re saying. I have absolutely no plans to meet his children for this reason and he has never mentioned that either.

I would be open to it. I definitely get a lot of attention from younger men on the apps.

Literally same, and I even have children. A lot of men are terrible dads and it is horrific watching them Disney their children.

That's a relief, but what a strange situation, I wonder how the boys mum and little sibling feel about it.

Maybe his ex is instigating this, who knows. It doesn't sound OK.