Dating men with kids when I am childfree

[SharpBluePoster]

I am 43 and have been separated for 9 months and divorce hopefully will be finalised in November.
Have dated a few men and realised I do like the company of a man and would like another relationship at some point.

However, I chose not to have children and most men around my age have them. I have been seeing someone for 5 months and we have been taking it very slowly and I do really like him. However he has an 8 year old and a 3 year old and the 8 year old stays with him every night which means we don’t get to spend the night together which I just don’t think is for me. I have all the freedom in the world and he has to be home at 8pm every night.

i also dated another man who had his kids every other weekend which was better but even then I thought if I was with him long term I would be on my own every other weekend and he is also quite tied down.

I really value my freedom and being able to be spontaneous and spend my money on whatever I feel like and it makes me a bit sad that I will struggle to find someone in the same boat to enjoy our freedoms together!

But if I limit myself to men without kids that’s slim pickings in the 40s! Or maybe older men whose kids are older might be better……

thoughts welcome!

No. Way too soon for me to meet them.

If you really like him, the kids are a package deal, from what I get. The mother has them during the day anyway, so there might be the occasional time you look after them, but it's really fun, honestly

You might not comment but you should definitely judge in the privacy of your own head! Between this and your other posts about him, there are masses of red flags that he doesn’t have a good co-parenting set-up and will not be easy to date long-term.

FWIW you should also judge men who are every-other-weekend fathers as they are typically selfish and lazy in general (although easier to date, obviously), anyone whose wife or partner left him when the kids were young, anyone whose ex is painted as “crazy” unless you can see absolutely clear, repeated evidence of unhinged behavior, and anyone who starts to talk about you becoming a “new family” with them and their kids as they are almost certainly lining you up as free childcare.

The kind of men that women actually want to date are very rare, yes. Tall enough, fit enough, rich enough, not aged a day over 35, big house, five holidays a year, full head of hair, possible yacht owner, member of the local golf club where he meets all the famous people etc.

Like i say, good luck with that.

You can date who you like of course.

But I think you’re quite right - if you don’t want kids don’t date a man with kids. The expectation on women from single men with kids is generally that you will take them on as if they are your own, especially if the children are quite young (under 14 I’d say) I’ve experienced it myself and seen it happen to friends. Stick to what you want for your life. I am single with a child (age 14 as it happens) and I wouldn’t even consider a man with younger children. I’m done with my parenting of young kids.

Mmh, luckily most women no longer need a man with a big wallet!

lol have you ever met an actual woman looking to date? I don’t think many of the partnered or married men I know fit all of this criteria and I move in fairly upmarket circles.

Did you get that from incels.co?

I have 2 children and dated loads of blokes with no kids! It’s much easier though now I’m with my partner who also has a child as he understands the kids come first and if I have to cancel etc… also vice versa!

No, i got it from being a childless man by choice for the last 20 years whos fed up of women expecting a cross between Leonardo, Henry Cavill, a lottery winner and a walking model for Gucci, whilst turning out in a pair leggings and a Winnie the Pooh jumper.

Best thing I ever did was to not bother.

You’ve only written two short paragraphs here but have managed to make it immediately obvious to every woman here that it’s not your looks or your bank account that are putting women off, it’s your personality. Well done.

I'm not sure what planet you live on, but it isn't this one! I can't think of any woman I know who sets such impossibly high standards.

The only one of those boxes my own husband has ever ticked is having a full head of hair. But he ticked my personal boxes of being intelligent, having a wide overlap of interests with me (a geek in other words), kind, not having or wanting to have children, and most importantly, loving me.

It doesn't bother me that he is more than ten years my senior, has never earned anywhere near what I earn or owned a house, isn't much taller than my 5'4 and has no famous friends. It wouldn't bother me if he went bald, either, though he's quite proud that he still has all his hair in his mid-60s so it would bother him 😄

None of the 'assets' you list are any use at all in a long term relationship or marriage if you've nothing else whatsoever in common.

I think you need to find a way of meeting more real women rather than believing everything you see on social media. I am sure there's one out there who will look beyond what you seem to think are your shortcomings!

I try my best. Perhaps I'll smash up the local pub after 8 pints of Fosters, spend a few nights in the cells and come out calling everyone 'bro", wear a baseball cap and throw chips at impressionable teenagers in between half stacking at Tesco.

I am child free, not by choice. I have had one very long term relationship with a man who had kids. It worked well and my now adult stepchildren are two of my best friends - they are my kids, even though the relationship with their dad didn't last.
I'm unexpectedly in a new relationship with a younger man who has children. I had to think about the implications, but not for long.

For me it's about spending time with your partner doing things that you both like. I find that if I put in the effort to be a responsible and safe adult for his kids, and to have fun with them he puts in the effort when it's just us and we have more fun and spontaneity than if we were always available to each other.

As a single dad (who has a similar 50/50 agreement), I can’t understand why this isn’t the default approach everyone takes? Lay everything down early.

I’m only just thinking about putting myself back out there, but this thread has been enlightening.

What a load of rubbish. I can only speak for myself, but I don't care about height, or fitness, yachts, golf clubs or any of the other crap you mentioned, and 35 is too young for me by a long way.

Best thing you ever did for womankind is not to bother, if your views on us are so repugnant.

I guess it depends what sort of relationship you want.

I don’t have children but my current partner has them.

I like the kids and enjoy spending a weeknight dinner or the occasional weekend with them, but I really enjoy having every other weekend to myself.

We don't live together and never will (my choice) so that does make a difference.

So I was right. You did get it from incels.co

Please, Touch. Grass.

Go outside.

Look at the couples you see. And they wide variety of men who are in happy loving relationships.

This. This with bells on.

Thats exactly what I thought. He's telling his wife he's working late and telling @SharpBluePoster he's a single dad and needs yo he back by 8.

Nah. I wanted respectful, kind, thoughtful, supportive and funny. I was never interested in the wallet size to my detriment. Certainly not someone who golf's or spends hours at the gym. Its fucking boring.

You sound very jaded.

I agree. It's decades ago, but when I started "dating", I made sure we had some serious talks very soon, and I mean very soon, into the relationship, i.e. within the first 2 or 3 "dates". Those talks included sex, children, marriage, careers, finances, pets, etc. to ensure that we were both on the same page from the earliest stages. That has meant that DH and I have been able to be fully open and honest throughout our decades together.

I cringe when I see posts on here from posters who seem unable to articulate their thoughts/needs/opinions to their long term partner and seem to expect their partner to be able to mind read - i.e. "how do we share household costs", "what If I want another child and he doesn't", "how can I tell him he smells", etc - for God's sake, just talk to each other. If you can't talk to each other openly, then you're not in the right relationship, especially if you're frightened of the other person's reaction!

I have explained several times how I know this isn’t the case!!

You’ve had quite a few defensive replies telling you to stick to childless men because you’re stating you would like a “normal” relationship where you can spend time with your DP in the evening and overnight rather than just on day time walks and booty calls.

Sounds shit. Find someone else OP.