What to say to demanding PIL re limited time to visit them?

[SoTiredSoTiredSoTired]

I need to work out what needs saying to PIL about our impending visit to their city. We will be there for 8 days in total.

The visit is specifically to help my mother deal with my father, who has had a stroke. Mother is driving 100km each way daily to visit him in a rehab hospital and is exhausted. We are visiting to help by driving her to the hospital and cooking her dinner each night. All of us will be involved in these trips, so that we all get time with my father and mother. The time spent with my father is likely to be an hour or so at most.

PIL live nearly an hour across the city in the other direction from my parents' place. They are fit, healthy, very used to getting their own way, and dare I say it, they like playing the main parts in their luxurious life with everyone else as extras.

When DH tells them about our visit, MIL will go into "poor little me" mode and wheedle at DH for just a few visits here and there (meaning: every day). DH will feel guilty and promise that he and DS will visit every day. FIL will go into shouting bulldog mode and phone up DH and bully him into a schedule worked out by FIL where DH has to bring DS to visit for exactly as many hours as are being spent with my parents, whether or not this suits anyone. DH will feel guilty and agree, because he always agrees with everything his father says. He always has.

Meanwhile DS will be stuck in the middle of all this and will be spending 5 hours a day in the car, being dragged around from one set of grandparents to the other. I will be required to play the nanny, required to come to visit PIL with DH and DS, but not actually allowed to partake in any part of the visit (no talking, no eating or drinking, etc), merely being there in case DS needs me.

Needless to say I don't want to do the PIL bit. DH claims also not to, but "wishes it would all go away" re his parents being demanding, and thus will agree to every single damn thing his father demands.

I've pointed out on many occasions that by always letting his father ride high-handedly over everyone else, DH is not behaving as a decent husband or father. He says he doesn't enjoy it, says it's all so weird, and then just lets it all happen again, every time. The weakness is profoundly unattractive. I am, however, completely dependent on DH at the moment.

What should DH say to PIL when he tells them about our trip?

My idea below:

"Dear PIL, we're visiting your city, however it is to help SoTired's parents because her father has had a stroke. We will be spending a very large amount of time on helping her mother and visiting her father, and it will be on an unpredictable schedule. We will not be able to visit you every day, so please don't request visits every day or even every second day."

...will undoubtedly result in a viciously demanding phonecall from FIL to which DH acquiesces.

I think for now you should focus on your parents and ignore PIL.

However, perhaps in the long run with an ND child....consider that either one or both of you are also ND and whether that may explain some of the issues and could help to figure out a way forward. Neurodiversity is genetic which means the parents and grandparents also have it. For example, lots of ND are germaphobic and have health anxiety so I don't think your kid got it because classmates came in with illnesses. Lots of ND people have trouble driving, poor sense of space etc so it wouldn't be at all surprising that you might also be vulnerable and ND.....your PIL in turn may also be ND with their rigid demands etc. In this case, perhaps in the way your child is vulnerable and needs accommodation, so do you and/or PIL and Dh.

This isn't in any way dismissing your concerns. In fact, I would suggest that you explore them a little deaper as to why things are the way they are.

That sounds awful. It sounds as though your husband is being bullied by his father, probably it's been this way all his life and he hasn't been able to shake it off
I would tell your husband that you are in the city to help your parents, your father is very ill and your mother needs support. If they want to visit your son they can come to you, they can help out by taking your son out or playing with him but neither you or your son will be visiting them during this visit.
If your husband won't say any of that would you be able to? The cycle needs to be broken and it sounds as though your husband needs help to break it.
Good luck and I'm sorry about your father m i hope he makes a full recovery

You are setting yourself up for an impossible task OP, with this grand gesture towards your own parents whilst trying to keep your in-laws out of it and your son stable,- all with such a feeble-minded husband who is only in the picture to drive you about.

Your emotional need for this action plan to help your mum and visit your dad shows little regard for your actual, highly unusual everyday situation which is so fraught with other serious, unresolved side issues, that it renders the plan completely reckless when thought through like this.

You surely can not believe that taking all your many issues to your DM’s door while she is trying her level best to support her DH through his stroke is a sensible or loving idea.
You will be a hindrance, not a help.
Spare her from the worry of your problems until her situation with your dad is more settled and your dad is home.
Sad to say but she is better off without having to try to negotiate your marriage and toxic in-law issues at this time.

Use the money you would spend on driving there, and then back and forth to the hospital to set up either taxis for your mum or an Airbnb next door to the hospital. Let her concentrate on her priority …her husband… without adding to her stress.

This will allow you to keep your son safe from his food allergies as well as keeping him going with his education/social life while he gradually recovers from his anxieties and the effects of bullying.

If your DH wants to visit his parents, he must do so from now on, on his own, every single time. Never subject yourself or your son to them again.

Your priority should be towards your son who needs your urgent protection. The grand plan is simply too risky for him.
It is bad enough for him that he suffers the effects of a toxic situation at home from your marriage without adding more to his fear for his health and life by being anywhere near your controlling in laws.

If you and your son can possibly visit your father in hospital under your own steam, leaving your husband at work/home, then do that.
I’m sure there must be train connections that will allow you to get there and back in a day, - or two at most. Show your husband you can do it independently.

You need to rethink the whole situation OP.
The fact is, you aren’t in a position to help your own parents.
Thinking you can sort out the relationship between your DH and his parents with a carefully worded message is simply brushing your real problems under the carpet and will never work anyway …as you well know.
Stop setting yourself up to fail and tackle your problems at source. It’s the only way to make inroads to a better life for you and your son.

I'm sorry you are having to face this awful dilemma.
Your son is your priority.

.

OP, get on a train and go and see your parents by yourself. Unless it’s half term, your nine year old needs to be in school, and he and DH can surely manage at home on their own for a week? If DH doesn’t come, then his demanding, manipulative parents can’t demand his presence. Meanwhile, get some counselling for your DH - he sounds utterly in thrall to his parents (why?) and not at all mindful of either your or your son’s well-being.

Just don't tell them that you will be in their city.
They don't need to know!

If your dh can’t find his spine I fear your going to have to be the bad bastard here op. I’d just be blunt and direct with it, no sorry pil my dads had a stroke and is actually in a really bad way and my mums going to end up making herself ill helping him if we don’t step in so this visit is centred around them on this occasion. If we get a spare hour or so we’ll give you a ring and see if it’s convenient to pop round. If they start with all the bollocks ringing with demands just block the cunts, don’t pussy foot around them.

If you can't drive and only have 1 car you're at the mercy of your husband & what he decides.
You said the plan was to drive your DM to visit your DF to let her have a break from driving but with only 1 driver, PIL demands + logistics, it all of this seems impossible to achieve.
If you could drive, you could have got insured on your DM car & worked it that way on some of the days. You're in an impossible situation unless your DH tells them no.

Sounds very stressful. There’s a lot of advice flying around this thread that clearly isn’t going to work like ‘tell DH to stand up to his parents’, ‘tell DH what is going to happen’ and even ‘learn to drive before you go’.

Could you take a more collaborative stance with DH, as I imagine he gets defensive of his parents (and his reaction to them) even if deep down he knows you’re right.

‘Look DH, I really need a few days where we concentrate on mum & dad, so let’s not tell PIL we’re in town until Thursday (day 5 of visit). Think how pleased they’ll be if you surprise them by calling them on Thursday & say we’d can see them either Friday or Saturday? Whichever they prefer. You know how stressed they get if we tell them in advance & they feel they have to make arrangements for every day. Let’s try it this way & see if things go more smoothly.’

I wouldn’t try & tackle their rudeness to you head on. Instead I would pack a bag of picnic type treats and a flask of tea, some cans of drink. And when they fail to offer you food, take out your own biscuits & offer them round. Bring your book or your headphones & make yourself comfy.

Jesus wept. I’ve never read anything quite this dysfunctional. That will be also damaging for your son seeing you there but not being involved in the visit. I wouldn’t let him visit at all until they can sort their shit out. agree on telling your DH to not tell them about your visit - your dad had a stroke FFS. If he breaks it then it will be over, by whatever means. Can you move in with your mum if needs be? Claim child support and UC while you job hunt? Maybe near your mum will have a better school?

Is your husband worried about losing his inheritance and that is why he allows this appalling entitled behaviour? You have to stand up to bullies not give in to their demands. Are you from a different culture where treating your daughter in law like a servant can happen? Your husband needs some self respect and a pair of balls big enough to tell his parents that from now on things will be a bit different, but I somehow doubt that will.happen.

This is a good compromise. And clever to make your DH feel it’s going them a favour not letting them know and “stressing them out” 😅

Agree, this is good advice to separate out the issues and prioritise.

Ok, not the point of the post… but why don’t you rent an Airbnb apartment near your Dad’s hospital and stay there with your mum for a few days? Instead of driving 100 miles each day and only seeing your Dad for an hour a day.

Your DH and yourself are both allowing this behaviour towards you continue.

Irrelevant of who's parents they are I never understand why it always has to be the DH that has to speak up in these cases, you to have a voice OP so what's wrong with you telling your PIL, especially when you know that your MIL is feeding foods to your DC which they are allergic to, take charge and tell her that your DS will no longer be visiting, if she takes umpage job done, solves a problem you'll no longer have to visit at all, which will be no love lost to you.

Take the burden off your husbands shoulders and If he doesn't like it that you've spoken up no worries there either as you seem to think he's pretty much a waste of space so probably wouldn't miss him anyway.

I think you’re going to have to put your foot down. DH can see his parents, but you and your son will be busy with your sick father and helping your mother.

Your PaiL don’t sound great but they are his parents. It seems very unfair to expect your DH to drive you and your mother around without visiting his own parents. You have no more right to make this sort of a demand on your DH than they do.

I feel sorry for the poor bloke, he’s just a glorified taxi driver and no one seems to give a shit what he wants.

Or just tell them that you are going for a couple of days.

I think the PIL are a distraction. Leave DH and DS home and you visit alone to spend time with your parents to help sort out the next steps for your DF. Either stay in a hotel close to your DF or use a combination of public transport and taxis to visit your DF, or a bit of both.

Well as you acknowledge, you have a massive man baby DH problem and I wouldn’t tell them you’re around.
If you do go, join in, talk, eat etc or call out their crap hospitality. Why are you allowing MIL and FIL to rule you all, this is how dictators are made!

Why do they have to know that you are going? Don't tell them. Don't create extra hassle for yourself.

Being so dependent on a man you have no respect for is so unattractive.

this is all a bit stressful and I can imagine its hard to think straight. it sound by default you are expecting your husband to drive the 200km (100km round trip) everyday to see your dad to give your mum a break.
I would hire a place near your dad for the period and give your mum a real break with your family and her staying there for the period and walking to see your dad.
Prob with inlaws solved too.
Your son has OCD and is likely autistic from your description. Its often inherited so likely you or your hubby has too even if its just on the spectrum. Not being able to drive is not uncommon in autistic people so I am guessing its a good chance it might be you and you are doing a brilliant job of masking as a female. If you are home schooling your son now it makes sense to move back to your mums / go liver near your dad.
I would try your son on some digestive enzymens if you haven't already to help with his tummy - but yes your m'n'l is nuts giving him diary if told not to.

considering your options:

don’t tell them - won’t work. Your dh will tell them

suggest taking them out for lunch to solve the food issue - might work
if the city has things to do like days out you could meet them there. That’s what my SIL and bil dud with my pil

in my case I eventually refused to go to pils with out kids. Dh was genuinely very upset and spent years trying to persuade me, we’d be driving somewhere long distance and he’d hopefully say “we could drop in on pils” and me and the kids would chorus “noooo”.

my dc are also both now diagnosed with autism. Dh now ExH is not diagnosed with anything but my kids occasionally lay into him about what a shit parent he was (they are now grown up) and he is genuinely shocked they could ever think so.

various cousins and uncles are now also diagnosed with ASD. FIL has now been diagnosed with anxiety (he lost it completely during Covid)

Sounds more like huabsnd just wants to see his family to me. He just doesnt want to incur OP's wrath for admitting it.