Should I go on a date despite a 20 year age gap?

[UndecidedOtter]

I (M50) do an activity with a bunch of other people once a week. I've made a few friends and there is one woman who walks in the same direction as me towards our respective homes. I've really enjoyed our chats over many weeks.

Yesterday, we stopped for coffee on the way home, not for the first time and she asked me out on what is definitely a date. I was very surprised she would find me attractive. I would be happy to continue with her as friend, but she is gorgeous, and now realise I have been suppressing the fact that there is chemistry between us. She is single with no kids, as am I.

Now we come to the issue. She is in her early 30s so there is a 20 year age gap. I am reluctant to go on a date with her, not because we don't have enough in common, but because of that difference. I'm already thinking of a future where she is 50 and I am 70. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and I'd love to go on the date otherwise and just play it by ear, but I have these doubts.

What do you think?

Why are you policing my response to op? He asked if it was too much of a gap. I said yes in my experience (I was married to a man 20+ years my senior). He asked for my opinion. He didn’t ask for you to police others.

@inerja I think people are trying to point out that all of these reasons aren't necessarily 'age related' and can happen in any relationship regardless, but you are entitled to your opinion and your viewpoint from your experience.

For some it works, for others it doesn't.

The OP will not know unless they try and it is 'only a date'.

I too was in a relationship with someone 20 years older. They were the best years of my life so far.

I’m stating my opinion. It’s different to yours, not policing it.

you told me to ‘let’ them do something. I am a random on a forum I have no control over what op and this woman do.
bit of a strange comment imo

What got my back up was this poster being like ‘let them’. I’m not controlling op I’m sharing my opinion. Which OP started a thread asking for!!

It wasn't an instruction, just a way of putting across my opinion.

What is the activity if you don’t mind me asking?

Its not as if the date is Pronuptia followed by Mothercare

In my younger days I dated a woman 10 years my senior for about 8 years.

For whatever reason she never 'Got on with it' - we didnt live together and by the time she asked to marry me I think it had 'gone off the boil' When I last met her she greatly regretted not seizing the opportunity when it was there.

Now I am not saying that marriage would have worked and I suggest if she had made a move in the first few years we were together - she had the offer the World might have been a different place.

So if its what you want go for it

I can’t see the harm as long as I am not too specific. It’s fencing-adjacent (as in sword fighting). The oldest person there is 70, the youngest about 25.

Are you wealthy, OP?

My ex is with someone half his age and it's 100% because he's very well off.

Thank you for replying :) sounds fun

No - I work in education, have modest savings, though I do own my own place, having paid off my mortgage. She has a decent job, though I suspect she earns less than me. Money is not something we've discussed.

And btw from experience I think the age gap is fine, and if you feel it go for it :)

That's a poor argument. It's making you look like the type to deliberately bury their head in the sand to prove a point you're emotionally invested in making, or that you're quite dim.

Of course it shouldn't be about age, but whilst these can happen to anyone, the statistical likelyhood you'll be looking after a partner in ill health at a much younger age with a partner that is a lot older than you is far, far higher.

So high in some cases, that it should not be dismissed by the blanket assertion that it 'it can happen at any age'.

I mean, they're much more likely to die much sooner as well, but I think it's wise to ask if it's sensible for a person to put themselves in the position where the only care free years they'll have is quite likely to be when they're at least 60 years old.

Just think of what that would mean for women who are mothers. They'll have a few years of freedom after the kids leave home when they're about 45 - 50 years old, and then might have to face looking after an increasingly frail partner whilst the woman is still in middle age.

First of all @EarthSight there is no need to resort to insults.

Secondly, everyone is different. You have your opinion. I have mine.

Thirdly, my Mother gave birth to a child at 45 years old. People aren't 'put out to pasture' after 45.

That's very specific! 😂

Honestly OP, best of luck.

There was an interesting thread about age gaps on here recently and a discussion within it about the decline in sperm health in men over 50 so if she wants marriage and children (obvs looking further ahead) then that might be an issue.

She approached you so she obviously isn’t concerned. Why not try a date and see where it goes? It’s a long way from here to the altar, just try the first step and see if you’re a good match.

Probably as much of an issue as a woman over 35yrs (geriatric/advanced maternal age pregnancy) planning to start a family.

Thirdly, my Mother gave birth to a child at 45 years old. People aren't 'put out to pasture' after 45

I never said they were 🙄. You're projecting and putting words in my mouth.

My point (again), is that a much younger partner is likely to spend a good portion of the active years of their life looking after an increasingly frail partner is they are 15 - 20 years older than themselves, and that is not an insignificant matter.

Take your mother, as an example. If a 45 year old mother was with a 65 year old, she would be looking after a child until they were at least 18, so in most cases, she wouldn't be free of that responsivity until she was 58, at the minimum.

By that time, her partner would be 78, a few years away from death, according to average death rates for men. Although some men do just drop dead, many people suffer age related ailments, illnesses and loss of vitality for several years leading up to their death. So, it's not an unrealistic scenario for a woman of 58 in that situation to leave one set of caring responsibilities to trade them for another, for several years than enjoying life in the same way as they would with someone closer to their own age.

If someone goes into that and is comfortable with it, that's up to them, but it's not something I'd advise women to do lightly under a dismissive and reckless approach of 'well it can happen to anyone'.

Yes. You are both adults. Don't worry about what other people think.

I’ve just done a YouGov poll on this topic! The majority said not a problem. Glad you’re going for it OP, you only live once!

Yes I saw that poll. Most people seemed to agree that age gap relationships are perfectly normal. I was surprised to read on here that some people don't "approve" of them since I'd never come across that attitude in real life.
I've never found anyone my age remotely attractive and certainly don't share any cultural references with them, none of my contemporaries ever seem to know what I'm talking about and I'm bored stiff by them anyway.
20 years older is nothing, My dad isn't 20 years older than me and I've often had boyfriends older than him 😄

When you said a 20 year age gap I knew she wasn’t going to be 70 to your 50.
I wouldn’t go there for her sake.