Hello all,
I’ve recently had a bit of a quizzical, unpleasant situation in my dating life, and would love some thoughts and perspectives.
I recently met a new guy through a walking group that I’m in. We’re both in our mid 30s; he’s a couple of years younger than me. We met briefly at a couple of the group walking events and then we started texting. He asked me to meet up one on one, which I agreed to.
He took me out for lunch. I think he had a nice time since he was happy to stay for 4 hours and mentioned afterwards that he’d like to do it again. I found him interesting as a person when we met up, however I didn’t feel much like we connected- things seemed to revolve largely around him and he didn’t ask me much about myself at all. I was willing to see how things go however, so was happy to keep engaging with him for the time being.
Our date came at a time when he was preparing for a big walking challenge that he was going to do a few days after. This was the main focus of our conversations on the date as well as in the days following, in which I was being very supportive. He was raising money for a charity in the challenge, for which I had also donated previously, about something that affected “someone he knew well” but he was reluctant to say who this was during the date, which I had hoped he would (I already knew a bit of the backstory from his Just Giving page when I had made a donation myself previously). Nevertheless, I was being very supportive in the lead up to his big day and he seemed to love sharing with me how his prep was going and all, taking lots of pictures on the day too and updating me through the challenge, again for which I was being supportive and present.
However, in the week following this big challenge that he did, he was a lot less engaged with me. Texts from him started to get infrequent, he stopped watching my social media stories and my messages were going unread; he was doing what seemed like a slow fade. This was over several days rather than in the immediate aftermath where ofcourse he would have been tired and needing to recover. It made me feel as though he may have just wanted me around as a source of emotional support for the big walking challenge and that he then didn’t need me anymore when it was done. What reinforced this feeling further was how he had said before the challenge that we would definitely arrange another meetup together “as soon as he can walk again after it”, but he made no mention of this at any time that week after the challenge despite going out for another social occasion with the walking group (they had a drinks night on which I couldn’t attend).
After seeing this indifferent attitude play out for a few days, I thought I’d gently broach the way I was feeling with him, to check whether this was still something worth investing my time and energy into.
He reassured me that yes things were still very much on and that he was looking forward to seeing me again, that he was just tired that whole week following the challenge, which was all I needed to hear. I apologised for not being more understanding about how he must still be tired from the big challenge, wished him a good recovery and returned his feelings in that I was also looking forward to seeing him when we could too.
However, the next day, he appeared to do a U turn. He criticised me for feeling the way I did and said it had now given him doubts himself about whether he does want to see me again or not.
Since all of this was over text, I suggested that we have a chat on the phone so that we could clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen on both ends over message, especially given that we had only really met and properly spoken once. He ignored this, so I thought I’d explain myself further over another message the next day and say that unfortunately, I have had a couple of experiences in the past where men have tried using me and my companionship to get through certain things in their life (such as a divorce as was a recent experience), so I just wanted to check that we were both on the same page with things here, that was all.
My tone was gentle and polite but this message seemed to anger him further however, and he again accused me of feeling the way I did and for insinuating that he may have been using me “which shows that I really don’t know him at all”. He then blocked me.
I am left quite confused by how just expressing my feelings and a perfectly rational concern, which was squashed nicely at first before being used viciously against me all of a sudden for no reason, led to this person completely cutting me off. Even if my concern was indeed unfounded, why not just reassure me with maturity and let it go at that, rather than cut me off over ‘not knowing him well enough’? Surely he would know that we had only met once…
Would love some perspective. Thank you