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Original poster

Expressed a single concern and got discarded?

109 replies

Laura2121 · 22/09/2026 23:40

Hello all,

I’ve recently had a bit of a quizzical, unpleasant situation in my dating life, and would love some thoughts and perspectives.

I recently met a new guy through a walking group that I’m in. We’re both in our mid 30s; he’s a couple of years younger than me. We met briefly at a couple of the group walking events and then we started texting. He asked me to meet up one on one, which I agreed to.

He took me out for lunch. I think he had a nice time since he was happy to stay for 4 hours and mentioned afterwards that he’d like to do it again. I found him interesting as a person when we met up, however I didn’t feel much like we connected- things seemed to revolve largely around him and he didn’t ask me much about myself at all. I was willing to see how things go however, so was happy to keep engaging with him for the time being.

Our date came at a time when he was preparing for a big walking challenge that he was going to do a few days after. This was the main focus of our conversations on the date as well as in the days following, in which I was being very supportive. He was raising money for a charity in the challenge, for which I had also donated previously, about something that affected “someone he knew well” but he was reluctant to say who this was during the date, which I had hoped he would (I already knew a bit of the backstory from his Just Giving page when I had made a donation myself previously). Nevertheless, I was being very supportive in the lead up to his big day and he seemed to love sharing with me how his prep was going and all, taking lots of pictures on the day too and updating me through the challenge, again for which I was being supportive and present.

However, in the week following this big challenge that he did, he was a lot less engaged with me. Texts from him started to get infrequent, he stopped watching my social media stories and my messages were going unread; he was doing what seemed like a slow fade. This was over several days rather than in the immediate aftermath where ofcourse he would have been tired and needing to recover. It made me feel as though he may have just wanted me around as a source of emotional support for the big walking challenge and that he then didn’t need me anymore when it was done. What reinforced this feeling further was how he had said before the challenge that we would definitely arrange another meetup together “as soon as he can walk again after it”, but he made no mention of this at any time that week after the challenge despite going out for another social occasion with the walking group (they had a drinks night on which I couldn’t attend).

After seeing this indifferent attitude play out for a few days, I thought I’d gently broach the way I was feeling with him, to check whether this was still something worth investing my time and energy into.

He reassured me that yes things were still very much on and that he was looking forward to seeing me again, that he was just tired that whole week following the challenge, which was all I needed to hear. I apologised for not being more understanding about how he must still be tired from the big challenge, wished him a good recovery and returned his feelings in that I was also looking forward to seeing him when we could too.

However, the next day, he appeared to do a U turn. He criticised me for feeling the way I did and said it had now given him doubts himself about whether he does want to see me again or not.

Since all of this was over text, I suggested that we have a chat on the phone so that we could clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen on both ends over message, especially given that we had only really met and properly spoken once. He ignored this, so I thought I’d explain myself further over another message the next day and say that unfortunately, I have had a couple of experiences in the past where men have tried using me and my companionship to get through certain things in their life (such as a divorce as was a recent experience), so I just wanted to check that we were both on the same page with things here, that was all.

My tone was gentle and polite but this message seemed to anger him further however, and he again accused me of feeling the way I did and for insinuating that he may have been using me “which shows that I really don’t know him at all”. He then blocked me.

I am left quite confused by how just expressing my feelings and a perfectly rational concern, which was squashed nicely at first before being used viciously against me all of a sudden for no reason, led to this person completely cutting me off. Even if my concern was indeed unfounded, why not just reassure me with maturity and let it go at that, rather than cut me off over ‘not knowing him well enough’? Surely he would know that we had only met once…

Would love some perspective. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura2121 · 23/09/2026 08:10

BeethovenNinth · 23/09/2026 06:01

I actually think he is just totally self absorbed and self interested. Dull dull dull: bullet dodged and move on. Does this mean you will
still see him at the walking group
though?

Thank you, yes unfortunately I’ll see him at some of the walking group events. But the good thing is that quite a few people attend so we won’t have to talk to each other. I’d rather talk to those who see others as human beings rather than commodities.

I do find it a little surprising that he just blocked me on all platforms- I was always kind to him, made a donation to his charity and all. I did nothing wrong except simply voice that I had noticed a change and he got ballistic! People on walking groups tends to have healthy mentalities from what I’ve seen, it’s a shame that he’s someone who seems to not.

OP posts:
DannyDeever · 23/09/2026 08:17

Laura2121 · 22/09/2026 23:40

Hello all,

I’ve recently had a bit of a quizzical, unpleasant situation in my dating life, and would love some thoughts and perspectives.

I recently met a new guy through a walking group that I’m in. We’re both in our mid 30s; he’s a couple of years younger than me. We met briefly at a couple of the group walking events and then we started texting. He asked me to meet up one on one, which I agreed to.

He took me out for lunch. I think he had a nice time since he was happy to stay for 4 hours and mentioned afterwards that he’d like to do it again. I found him interesting as a person when we met up, however I didn’t feel much like we connected- things seemed to revolve largely around him and he didn’t ask me much about myself at all. I was willing to see how things go however, so was happy to keep engaging with him for the time being.

Our date came at a time when he was preparing for a big walking challenge that he was going to do a few days after. This was the main focus of our conversations on the date as well as in the days following, in which I was being very supportive. He was raising money for a charity in the challenge, for which I had also donated previously, about something that affected “someone he knew well” but he was reluctant to say who this was during the date, which I had hoped he would (I already knew a bit of the backstory from his Just Giving page when I had made a donation myself previously). Nevertheless, I was being very supportive in the lead up to his big day and he seemed to love sharing with me how his prep was going and all, taking lots of pictures on the day too and updating me through the challenge, again for which I was being supportive and present.

However, in the week following this big challenge that he did, he was a lot less engaged with me. Texts from him started to get infrequent, he stopped watching my social media stories and my messages were going unread; he was doing what seemed like a slow fade. This was over several days rather than in the immediate aftermath where ofcourse he would have been tired and needing to recover. It made me feel as though he may have just wanted me around as a source of emotional support for the big walking challenge and that he then didn’t need me anymore when it was done. What reinforced this feeling further was how he had said before the challenge that we would definitely arrange another meetup together “as soon as he can walk again after it”, but he made no mention of this at any time that week after the challenge despite going out for another social occasion with the walking group (they had a drinks night on which I couldn’t attend).

After seeing this indifferent attitude play out for a few days, I thought I’d gently broach the way I was feeling with him, to check whether this was still something worth investing my time and energy into.

He reassured me that yes things were still very much on and that he was looking forward to seeing me again, that he was just tired that whole week following the challenge, which was all I needed to hear. I apologised for not being more understanding about how he must still be tired from the big challenge, wished him a good recovery and returned his feelings in that I was also looking forward to seeing him when we could too.

However, the next day, he appeared to do a U turn. He criticised me for feeling the way I did and said it had now given him doubts himself about whether he does want to see me again or not.

Since all of this was over text, I suggested that we have a chat on the phone so that we could clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen on both ends over message, especially given that we had only really met and properly spoken once. He ignored this, so I thought I’d explain myself further over another message the next day and say that unfortunately, I have had a couple of experiences in the past where men have tried using me and my companionship to get through certain things in their life (such as a divorce as was a recent experience), so I just wanted to check that we were both on the same page with things here, that was all.

My tone was gentle and polite but this message seemed to anger him further however, and he again accused me of feeling the way I did and for insinuating that he may have been using me “which shows that I really don’t know him at all”. He then blocked me.

I am left quite confused by how just expressing my feelings and a perfectly rational concern, which was squashed nicely at first before being used viciously against me all of a sudden for no reason, led to this person completely cutting me off. Even if my concern was indeed unfounded, why not just reassure me with maturity and let it go at that, rather than cut me off over ‘not knowing him well enough’? Surely he would know that we had only met once…

Would love some perspective. Thank you

You're way over thinking this.

For whatever reason he's not that keen, accept it and move on.

By the way, if you want to talk about yourself a bit on a date, just do it. Don't wait to be asked. He'll be grateful you contributed.

HenriettaHippopotamus · 23/09/2026 08:35

DannyDeever · 23/09/2026 08:17

You're way over thinking this.

For whatever reason he's not that keen, accept it and move on.

By the way, if you want to talk about yourself a bit on a date, just do it. Don't wait to be asked. He'll be grateful you contributed.

Show quote history

The OP never said she didn’t talk about herself or try to, only that he never asked about her and the evening ended up revolving around him.
The problem with self centred people is that if you bring up something about yourself they don’t engage as they’re not interested and bring the conversation back around to themselves.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/09/2026 08:43

but I do like to have certainty as to help me move on
I understand that feeling but in my experience people’s actions give me far more certainty than their words. If someone says they would like to meet up but don’t want to arrange that there and then, I say ok and that I will wait to hear from them. Then I do that and crack on with my life and put them out of my mind. It’s not easy when I really want to see that person again but tbh I’m fairly sure when people aren’t keen to make arrangements it’s because they aren’t keen to see me again. I know if I want to see someone I want to arrange to do that. I honestly think paying attention to what people do rather than what they say is best

hmmdunno · 23/09/2026 08:51

Did you want a relationship, or a project? because myyy gooodddd he sounds like hard work

whippersnapper55 · 23/09/2026 08:53

To be honest, you sound quite intense for someone who's been on one date 🫤 all the stuff about being supportive and present - you seem to have invested quite a lot quite quickly, especially as he didn't even show much interest in getting to know you on the date. I would probably have left it after he didn't contact you after the walk.

wfhwfh · 23/09/2026 08:57

Laura2121 · 23/09/2026 00:17

Thank you, this was my thinking too, he needed an excuse and this was a way to do it without looking like the bad guy- play the victim!

Then again, I don’t get why he was initially willing to reassure me of his interest when I did come forward with calling this out and not just do it then and there? Instead 48 hours later, he did a Jekyll/Hyde turnaround

Show quote history

This is what I thought too reading the scenario. The reason he was initially reassuring is he felt compelled to respond as a “nice guy”.

The fact is, OP, he had disengaged long before your text. There was nothing you could do to salvage it.

He sounds pretty mediocre anyway. It’s easy to get hung up on the dating game and forget to ask yourself if actually this man has anything to offer you.

Dont let it put you off going back to the group though.

SquirrelSoShiny · 23/09/2026 08:59

sherbetlemonade · 22/09/2026 23:48

He's a self-absorbed twat. Bullet dodged.

This. Thank him for showing you early on how very little he has to offer.

CloudyWithAChanceOfCustard · 23/09/2026 09:04

Well he’s a self absorbed twat, so as others have said, you’re better off without this kind of man in your life.

HOWEVER…I have to agree with other posters here OP…chill the fuck out man!! Nobody needs to be this intense after one date ffs! Jesus! I suspect he felt your level of intensity, and back peddled as fast as his tired and blistered feet could!

DannyDeever · 23/09/2026 09:05

HenriettaHippopotamus · 23/09/2026 08:35

The OP never said she didn’t talk about herself or try to, only that he never asked about her and the evening ended up revolving around him.
The problem with self centred people is that if you bring up something about yourself they don’t engage as they’re not interested and bring the conversation back around to themselves.

Show quote history

If she'd said she talked about herself and he didn't engage I wouldn't have said anything.

What she actually said was that he didn't ask about her.

Etincelle · 23/09/2026 09:07

He sounds hard work and self centred

EvieBB · 23/09/2026 09:15

DannyDeever · 23/09/2026 08:17

You're way over thinking this.

For whatever reason he's not that keen, accept it and move on.

By the way, if you want to talk about yourself a bit on a date, just do it. Don't wait to be asked. He'll be grateful you contributed.

Show quote history

I don't think she's over thinking this. She's just confused and wanted to understand why.... Nowt wrong with that.
Not sure he'd be grateful for her contribution. Some people I've encoutered just gloss over what you say and go back to the topic of them.
OP - I'm sorry you've had this experience. I'm not surprised you're feeling bewilered as you expect others to treat you with the same regard as you do them, but unfortunately some people just seem to have a bloody brain blockage As others have said, you've had a lucky escape. It's him not you! The right person will come along I'm sure. Best wishes to you xx

AngelinaFibres · 23/09/2026 09:18

Laura2121 · 23/09/2026 08:10

Thank you, yes unfortunately I’ll see him at some of the walking group events. But the good thing is that quite a few people attend so we won’t have to talk to each other. I’d rather talk to those who see others as human beings rather than commodities.

I do find it a little surprising that he just blocked me on all platforms- I was always kind to him, made a donation to his charity and all. I did nothing wrong except simply voice that I had noticed a change and he got ballistic! People on walking groups tends to have healthy mentalities from what I’ve seen, it’s a shame that he’s someone who seems to not.

Show quote history

People in walking groups are every bit as nutty as people not in walking groups. I'm in a walking group. Two of the members started seeing each other. The woman became very controlling. The man finished with her. She has been banned from the group for stalking him and various other weird things. Several years ago we had a man who was asked to leave because he didn't understand the boundaries of female members and that 'no thank you' when asked on a date was a full and final answer.

BettyBeauty · 23/09/2026 09:30

I think you’re at fault here. Even your thread title is dramatic and misleading.

you said “After seeing this indifferent attitude play out for a few days, I thought I’d gently broach the way I was feeling with him etc”

So you brought baggage after one date, testing him based on your past experience. Then you needed reassurance. “He was tired which is all that I needed to hear”.

then your apology - way too much drama! No wonder he did a U turn and had doubts.

then you dragged it further by suggesting
a chat “ to clear up any misunderstandings”. This with a person you’d only met once!

then you tried to explain yourself even further by talking about your past and lumped him in with those who’d used you!

I’m sorry to say but it’s way too much drama and neediness very early on, not surprising he bailed.

PP are right, you need to look at why you invest so much in someone you didn’t feel a connection with. It’s very intense and off-putting. Sorry it didn’t work out for you, this is meant kindly.

DannyDeever · 23/09/2026 09:32

Not sure he'd be grateful for her contribution.

The way to be sure is to try it, rather than waiting to be asked.

Jubulee · 23/09/2026 09:36

I agree with words vs actions, in reality words mean absolutely nothing. Someone could declare they love you but then constantly be messing you about.

Words don’t give you certainty, especially with men I tend to find they do often operate more in actions so they might not tell you in words how much they like you, but they will consistently show you they like you by initiating contact and dates. And vice versa, not everyone feels very comfortable saying ‘I’m not really feeling this’ so they show you by slow fading you.

I know this isn’t fair and people should be upfront but that’s just the way it is, and you can’t expect everyone to be as polite or up front as you would be, sometimes you just have to accept people go about things in ways you wouldn’t and just let it go and move on.

BeEagerRubyBird · 23/09/2026 09:46

I think he probably already wasn't feeling it and then took your approach as an excuse to blame it on you, but equally, people don't want to be having discussions (follow up messages, suggestions of talking things out on the phone) after one date. I don't think that caused his lack of interest, but I do think it will have compounded it tbh.

inerja · 23/09/2026 09:49

Your instincts were saying at the start this is not the one.
if a guy stops putting effort in you stop putting it in too.

chirrupybird · 23/09/2026 09:55

Laura2121 · 23/09/2026 00:17

Thank you, this was my thinking too, he needed an excuse and this was a way to do it without looking like the bad guy- play the victim!

Then again, I don’t get why he was initially willing to reassure me of his interest when I did come forward with calling this out and not just do it then and there? Instead 48 hours later, he did a Jekyll/Hyde turnaround

Show quote history

Talked to someone about it and they didn't like what you said?

Etincelle · 23/09/2026 09:58

I think you dodged a bullet with this one as he sounds hard work.
In future though. The generation before me used to say that men are keener if the woman plays it cool and I do think there's a lot of truth in that. Let them do the running.

RumPidgeon · 23/09/2026 10:01

He sounds like a self-absorbed man-child. You’ve dodged a bullet there - however, why did you put so much time and effort into these messages? You don’t really know him and sending more and more messages or explaining yourself again and again was a tad too much. I think you should definitely have said less rather than double down on your messages but that’s done now. It’s good you listened to your gut instinct.

SweatySpider321 · 23/09/2026 10:05

You’ve dodged a bullet by the sounds of things. He sounds very self absorbed and dramatic

dontcookwontcook · 23/09/2026 10:33

I think you did way too much

you went on a date and he droned on about his personal situation. And then you just carried on “supporting” his personal situation. I mean he sounds like a bore, but you seemed needy (that’s how it maybe came across
and then when he was clearly slow fading, you wanted a chat about that, then another phone chat to clear up the chat
its all just too much

he was a prick after you called him out about being a prick. But tbh it shouldn’t have even got to that. After the first date and follow up texts only about his personal walking challenge you should have binned him. (Personally, he’d be binned for me after he spoke only about himself on the first date. Like I’m his fan or something?)
but yoh did way too much and are even doing too much with this whole thread and the paragraphs about supporting him and blah blah blah

it’s coming across as needy for approval

sherbetlemonade · 23/09/2026 11:19

He didn't want an equal relationship, he wanted a hero-worshipper to fall at his feet. When you made it plain that you would like conversations to be a two-way street, he realised that you weren't what he was looking for.

Good. Let him go off and bore someone else with his self-regarding ramblings.

Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely · 23/09/2026 11:29

My dd did a big run for charity .
She managed to see family the next day , go to work the day after that. And a wedding a week after the run...
Why did he need so much recovery time??
Bloody attention seeker.. you dodged a bullet...