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Original poster

Expressed a single concern and got discarded?

109 replies

Laura2121 · 22/09/2026 23:40

Hello all,

I’ve recently had a bit of a quizzical, unpleasant situation in my dating life, and would love some thoughts and perspectives.

I recently met a new guy through a walking group that I’m in. We’re both in our mid 30s; he’s a couple of years younger than me. We met briefly at a couple of the group walking events and then we started texting. He asked me to meet up one on one, which I agreed to.

He took me out for lunch. I think he had a nice time since he was happy to stay for 4 hours and mentioned afterwards that he’d like to do it again. I found him interesting as a person when we met up, however I didn’t feel much like we connected- things seemed to revolve largely around him and he didn’t ask me much about myself at all. I was willing to see how things go however, so was happy to keep engaging with him for the time being.

Our date came at a time when he was preparing for a big walking challenge that he was going to do a few days after. This was the main focus of our conversations on the date as well as in the days following, in which I was being very supportive. He was raising money for a charity in the challenge, for which I had also donated previously, about something that affected “someone he knew well” but he was reluctant to say who this was during the date, which I had hoped he would (I already knew a bit of the backstory from his Just Giving page when I had made a donation myself previously). Nevertheless, I was being very supportive in the lead up to his big day and he seemed to love sharing with me how his prep was going and all, taking lots of pictures on the day too and updating me through the challenge, again for which I was being supportive and present.

However, in the week following this big challenge that he did, he was a lot less engaged with me. Texts from him started to get infrequent, he stopped watching my social media stories and my messages were going unread; he was doing what seemed like a slow fade. This was over several days rather than in the immediate aftermath where ofcourse he would have been tired and needing to recover. It made me feel as though he may have just wanted me around as a source of emotional support for the big walking challenge and that he then didn’t need me anymore when it was done. What reinforced this feeling further was how he had said before the challenge that we would definitely arrange another meetup together “as soon as he can walk again after it”, but he made no mention of this at any time that week after the challenge despite going out for another social occasion with the walking group (they had a drinks night on which I couldn’t attend).

After seeing this indifferent attitude play out for a few days, I thought I’d gently broach the way I was feeling with him, to check whether this was still something worth investing my time and energy into.

He reassured me that yes things were still very much on and that he was looking forward to seeing me again, that he was just tired that whole week following the challenge, which was all I needed to hear. I apologised for not being more understanding about how he must still be tired from the big challenge, wished him a good recovery and returned his feelings in that I was also looking forward to seeing him when we could too.

However, the next day, he appeared to do a U turn. He criticised me for feeling the way I did and said it had now given him doubts himself about whether he does want to see me again or not.

Since all of this was over text, I suggested that we have a chat on the phone so that we could clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen on both ends over message, especially given that we had only really met and properly spoken once. He ignored this, so I thought I’d explain myself further over another message the next day and say that unfortunately, I have had a couple of experiences in the past where men have tried using me and my companionship to get through certain things in their life (such as a divorce as was a recent experience), so I just wanted to check that we were both on the same page with things here, that was all.

My tone was gentle and polite but this message seemed to anger him further however, and he again accused me of feeling the way I did and for insinuating that he may have been using me “which shows that I really don’t know him at all”. He then blocked me.

I am left quite confused by how just expressing my feelings and a perfectly rational concern, which was squashed nicely at first before being used viciously against me all of a sudden for no reason, led to this person completely cutting me off. Even if my concern was indeed unfounded, why not just reassure me with maturity and let it go at that, rather than cut me off over ‘not knowing him well enough’? Surely he would know that we had only met once…

Would love some perspective. Thank you

OP posts:
GoodGirlFaith · 23/09/2026 11:37

The guy was self involved from date 1.

Original poster
Laura2121 · 23/09/2026 14:49

Thank you everyone for your further replies, some of your comments have been very helpful and supportive 🙏

Just to clarify a couple of things that people have floated in the comments-

As some people can relate to, when I said he was talking about himself and not asking about me, this is exactly what I mean. I did share things about myself, but he didn’t seem all that fussed unless we were talking about him and didn’t ask many followup questions. When dating someone new, I do like to get to know them as to know whether we are a match, but he didn’t seem to care about that all that much from his side, so may well have just been looking for a hero-worshipper and had that ‘box ticked’.

That said, we didn’t have very much in common at all- we are from quite different backgrounds and have different interests.

As a few examples,

I love Christmas, but he doesn’t, and doesn’t even acknowledge it.
I’m a teacher, but he on the other hand laughed about how he’s never picked up a single book in his life and left school at the earliest opportunity.
He doesn’t have a career; his only job is looking after an elderly family friend as a carer every night, whereas I’m from an academic family of professionals and am currently doing a PhD.

The differences between us didn’t put me off too much since I’m used to associating with people from all walks of life and enjoy meeting people who may be different to what I’m used to, perhaps it’s the ‘opposites attract’ thing. Also I do see the value in caring for elderly people and told him a little about how I used to volunteer at a care home; but he didn’t care much about that and simply responded, “oh that’s different from what I do” and that was that. No followup questions in response to my attempts to bridge similarities between us.

It’s that kind of thing that made it difficult to build a connection when we met up. But I gave it the benefit of doubt, thinking that he may just have been nervous on the first date so kept rambling on about himself as a coping strategy. Deep down I knew that this was not a viable connection but I was still curious to see what a second date may be like.

A couple of people have said it seems a little OTT for me to have suggested a phone call when he was pulling away- this was in response to him writing messages that suggested he got the wrong end of the stick.
He was actually more intense than I, talking about his emotions in his messages like in how he was “very upset” that I suggested he uses people when he doesn’t and “sad” that it cannot work between us for this reason, so naturally I wanted to resolve this in a way that he would understand, since clearly texts weren’t working. Much as there were some incompatibilities, I don’t like the thought of there being misunderstandings somewhere so I did want to give the opportunity for them to be resolved. But I think it is clear that this was more about him wanting an excuse to have an ‘out’ rather than being genuinely confused.

There was still no reason for him to come at me the way he did and block me, especially when I had apologised to him and said I should have been more understanding that he was tired the whole week after his challenge. It’s almost like he saw this vulnerability as an opportunity to really turn it around and lay it into me about how all of this is my fault !! The old dynamic between Narcissist and empath I guess 😖

A more amicable closure would have been nice given that we are both part of the same walking group, but yes I don’t intend to engage with him in the slightest again, and blocked him back. Men can be crazy!

OP posts:
MyMilchick · 23/09/2026 14:56

Sounds like he's a selfish, self absorbed dick, don't dwell on it OP, you've done nothing wrong

Tinyfrog200 · 23/09/2026 15:02

He’s a absolute self-absorbed tit!

Be pleased this has happened now, and not six months down the line.

pinkishtongue · 23/09/2026 15:02

He sounds like very hard work before you’ve even got into any kind of relationship. I would just move on. If you see him at walking group say a polite hello then avoid.

ArcangelaTarabotti · 23/09/2026 15:06

sherbetlemonade · 22/09/2026 23:48

He's a self-absorbed twat. Bullet dodged.

This

wfhwfh · 23/09/2026 15:14

OP, Ive just read your update and - without wanting to sound judgemental of this man - do you not think you can do better?

He’s unemployed and has no education as well as really poor communication skills. Honestly, you should have been running a mile before he started the slow fade. Did you actually feel any attraction to him at all? And, if so, why? Was he super good-looking? Because, frankly, he doesnt sound kind or interesting or even responsible

SmallDFartyCarNRG · 23/09/2026 15:19

A lot of men have hugely fragile egos and take anything less than pure adulation as a "you" problem.
A lot never made it past the desire for a perfect princess who never actually talks, let alone voices an opinion.

Bullet well dodged, don't waste time trying to figure out his issues.

DangerousLesions · 23/09/2026 15:27

"Things seemed to revolve largely around him and he didn't ask much about myself at all." So this was on your first date and there was the alarm bell. It speaks volumes.

FaceIt · 23/09/2026 15:32

You have luckily dodged a bullet.

My only advice would be, why bother contacting him when you knew he was slow fading you? The writing was on the wall, which said it all.

sherbetlemonade · 23/09/2026 17:28

What was this big walking challenge that wiped him out for a week afterwards -Kilimanjaro?. The Great Wall of China in its entirety?

ArcangelaTarabotti · 23/09/2026 17:33

sherbetlemonade · 23/09/2026 17:28

What was this big walking challenge that wiped him out for a week afterwards -Kilimanjaro?. The Great Wall of China in its entirety?

😂😂😂😂😂
was also wondering this 😂😂

FateAmenableToChange · 23/09/2026 18:57

I suspect you hit the nail on the head with him using you as a crutch to get through his long walk. Problem is, many people will not acknowledge to themselves (let alone others) when they are being users. Hence the huge strop and block behaviour. But as others have said, bullet dodged, people lacking self-awareness are extremely unpleasant to be involved with.

Fascinate · 23/09/2026 20:06

He is enjoying the feeling of making you chase him.

This is not the man you are looking for

jessr1990 · 23/09/2026 20:41

It sounds like maybe he actually was having second thoughts after the walk, or that he had indeed wanted the emotional support before his big walk, but saying "Sorry I'm not interested anymore" when you first checked in after it, would have made it really obvious that he was after that support.

So instead, he waited for you to push a bit more (which btw I think was totally reasonable), so that he could make out like you were at fault for giving him doubts.

Realistically it sounds like he wasn't/isn't in the right place for a relationship, and you deserve better than that.

SaraHoliday · 23/09/2026 20:46

Laura2121 · 22/09/2026 23:40

Hello all,

I’ve recently had a bit of a quizzical, unpleasant situation in my dating life, and would love some thoughts and perspectives.

I recently met a new guy through a walking group that I’m in. We’re both in our mid 30s; he’s a couple of years younger than me. We met briefly at a couple of the group walking events and then we started texting. He asked me to meet up one on one, which I agreed to.

He took me out for lunch. I think he had a nice time since he was happy to stay for 4 hours and mentioned afterwards that he’d like to do it again. I found him interesting as a person when we met up, however I didn’t feel much like we connected- things seemed to revolve largely around him and he didn’t ask me much about myself at all. I was willing to see how things go however, so was happy to keep engaging with him for the time being.

Our date came at a time when he was preparing for a big walking challenge that he was going to do a few days after. This was the main focus of our conversations on the date as well as in the days following, in which I was being very supportive. He was raising money for a charity in the challenge, for which I had also donated previously, about something that affected “someone he knew well” but he was reluctant to say who this was during the date, which I had hoped he would (I already knew a bit of the backstory from his Just Giving page when I had made a donation myself previously). Nevertheless, I was being very supportive in the lead up to his big day and he seemed to love sharing with me how his prep was going and all, taking lots of pictures on the day too and updating me through the challenge, again for which I was being supportive and present.

However, in the week following this big challenge that he did, he was a lot less engaged with me. Texts from him started to get infrequent, he stopped watching my social media stories and my messages were going unread; he was doing what seemed like a slow fade. This was over several days rather than in the immediate aftermath where ofcourse he would have been tired and needing to recover. It made me feel as though he may have just wanted me around as a source of emotional support for the big walking challenge and that he then didn’t need me anymore when it was done. What reinforced this feeling further was how he had said before the challenge that we would definitely arrange another meetup together “as soon as he can walk again after it”, but he made no mention of this at any time that week after the challenge despite going out for another social occasion with the walking group (they had a drinks night on which I couldn’t attend).

After seeing this indifferent attitude play out for a few days, I thought I’d gently broach the way I was feeling with him, to check whether this was still something worth investing my time and energy into.

He reassured me that yes things were still very much on and that he was looking forward to seeing me again, that he was just tired that whole week following the challenge, which was all I needed to hear. I apologised for not being more understanding about how he must still be tired from the big challenge, wished him a good recovery and returned his feelings in that I was also looking forward to seeing him when we could too.

However, the next day, he appeared to do a U turn. He criticised me for feeling the way I did and said it had now given him doubts himself about whether he does want to see me again or not.

Since all of this was over text, I suggested that we have a chat on the phone so that we could clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen on both ends over message, especially given that we had only really met and properly spoken once. He ignored this, so I thought I’d explain myself further over another message the next day and say that unfortunately, I have had a couple of experiences in the past where men have tried using me and my companionship to get through certain things in their life (such as a divorce as was a recent experience), so I just wanted to check that we were both on the same page with things here, that was all.

My tone was gentle and polite but this message seemed to anger him further however, and he again accused me of feeling the way I did and for insinuating that he may have been using me “which shows that I really don’t know him at all”. He then blocked me.

I am left quite confused by how just expressing my feelings and a perfectly rational concern, which was squashed nicely at first before being used viciously against me all of a sudden for no reason, led to this person completely cutting me off. Even if my concern was indeed unfounded, why not just reassure me with maturity and let it go at that, rather than cut me off over ‘not knowing him well enough’? Surely he would know that we had only met once…

Would love some perspective. Thank you

There's been no 'real' effort on his side has there?

No effort = No date.

Forget him.

fuschiaproudparrot · 23/09/2026 21:01

Gosh @Laura2121 your update is even more intense.

SaraHoliday · 23/09/2026 21:03

Laura2121 · 23/09/2026 14:49

Thank you everyone for your further replies, some of your comments have been very helpful and supportive 🙏

Just to clarify a couple of things that people have floated in the comments-

As some people can relate to, when I said he was talking about himself and not asking about me, this is exactly what I mean. I did share things about myself, but he didn’t seem all that fussed unless we were talking about him and didn’t ask many followup questions. When dating someone new, I do like to get to know them as to know whether we are a match, but he didn’t seem to care about that all that much from his side, so may well have just been looking for a hero-worshipper and had that ‘box ticked’.

That said, we didn’t have very much in common at all- we are from quite different backgrounds and have different interests.

As a few examples,

I love Christmas, but he doesn’t, and doesn’t even acknowledge it.
I’m a teacher, but he on the other hand laughed about how he’s never picked up a single book in his life and left school at the earliest opportunity.
He doesn’t have a career; his only job is looking after an elderly family friend as a carer every night, whereas I’m from an academic family of professionals and am currently doing a PhD.

The differences between us didn’t put me off too much since I’m used to associating with people from all walks of life and enjoy meeting people who may be different to what I’m used to, perhaps it’s the ‘opposites attract’ thing. Also I do see the value in caring for elderly people and told him a little about how I used to volunteer at a care home; but he didn’t care much about that and simply responded, “oh that’s different from what I do” and that was that. No followup questions in response to my attempts to bridge similarities between us.

It’s that kind of thing that made it difficult to build a connection when we met up. But I gave it the benefit of doubt, thinking that he may just have been nervous on the first date so kept rambling on about himself as a coping strategy. Deep down I knew that this was not a viable connection but I was still curious to see what a second date may be like.

A couple of people have said it seems a little OTT for me to have suggested a phone call when he was pulling away- this was in response to him writing messages that suggested he got the wrong end of the stick.
He was actually more intense than I, talking about his emotions in his messages like in how he was “very upset” that I suggested he uses people when he doesn’t and “sad” that it cannot work between us for this reason, so naturally I wanted to resolve this in a way that he would understand, since clearly texts weren’t working. Much as there were some incompatibilities, I don’t like the thought of there being misunderstandings somewhere so I did want to give the opportunity for them to be resolved. But I think it is clear that this was more about him wanting an excuse to have an ‘out’ rather than being genuinely confused.

There was still no reason for him to come at me the way he did and block me, especially when I had apologised to him and said I should have been more understanding that he was tired the whole week after his challenge. It’s almost like he saw this vulnerability as an opportunity to really turn it around and lay it into me about how all of this is my fault !! The old dynamic between Narcissist and empath I guess 😖

A more amicable closure would have been nice given that we are both part of the same walking group, but yes I don’t intend to engage with him in the slightest again, and blocked him back. Men can be crazy!

Edited

He doesn't love Christmas!?

Pah!!! Forget him.

I could not put up with that. 😁🎄 (I love Christmas!)

Smallestshadow · 23/09/2026 21:08

I don’t think he was ever that interested, he just liked the attention. He doesn’t sound like someone worth pursuing.

LittleMonks11 · 23/09/2026 21:21

No career, no further education or training, poor communication and social skills, and ignores Christmas. I’d be running for the hills. He’s done you a favour. You can now just ignore him at the walking group.

bananaobama · 23/09/2026 21:39

He probably felt he wasn’t enough for you

just accept that and move on

wfhwfh · 23/09/2026 22:47

bananaobama · 23/09/2026 21:39

He probably felt he wasn’t enough for you

just accept that and move on

Agreed. For the very good reason that he actually wasn’t.

Honestly, OP, if it had worked out, you’d have been on here a few years down the line asking for advice as your DH does nothing but play video games and has reduced you to penury.

GentlemanJay · 23/09/2026 22:57

Whoddathoughtit · 22/09/2026 23:49

Kindly OP, ask yourself honestly why you’ve spent so much energy on a guy who showed little interest in getting to know you, who you said you didn’t feel connected with and was also stroppy and rude to you after one meeting. Raise the bar seriously x

This.

Fiftyandme · 23/09/2026 23:00

Put him back where you found him

Minasama · 23/09/2026 23:06

It’s him not you.

I suppose some people don’t have the energy for thoughtful communication so there is just a chance that he thought this made you too high maintenance. But I don’t think this would have been a reasonable response from him.

(What makes me say this is I remember once I had a flatmate (who I liked very much) and she wrote me a letter about our relationship as friends. It just felt too high maintenance and I backed off a bit after that since I don’t like complicated friendships.)