How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

Out of interest, how does she ‘make you pay’? When the bill comes, you just say to the server, ‘we’re each paying for our own’.

You don't say how old you are - in my 20s I was doing exactly that - allowed people to take the piss, because I was desperate to 'fit in', to be like my flatmates, friends, fellow students.

Ignore the message or avoid the call.

How about saying that you have recently had a phone call from a friend/family member, and they mentioned to you that when she goes out with a friend, they each pay for only their own food, do not take turns and it works well and the restaurants are happy with this when they ask them to make separate bills when they order.

If she takes this badly don’t back down. Just smile and insist that you are only going to do it this way from now on.

Why would you want to go out with someone who is clearly using you. Just say no. You won't be going for a meal with her again

Which is a shame really, i don't want to sound condescending but there is more to life than people pleasing "friends" who don't respect you.

How do you decline other things that you don't want to/can't do?

Do you just say "yes" to absolutely anything that is suggested? I suspect that you do or else you wouldn't keep paying for their meals.

If you really can't bring yourself to say no, then you'll just have to go along, have a crap meal that you don't want and pay for theirs.

it is a huge shame but if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

Thank you for all your replies. I am going to decline eating out and suggest a drink. I am fed up of being disrespected and her using the low income as an excuse. I’m not exactly on a high income.

I shouldn’t be eating out anyway as I have suspected diabetes and she likes places that don’t have a healthy alternative.

She probably won’t meet up. I bet the other friend and others have stopped paying for her so she has come back to me to use.

Id rather eat with real friends who pay for their own food or split the bill thanks" 😆

Happy to go for a drink but not a meal this time. I'll eat before I go out.

X

I’m with others. How on earth does she make you pay?
If you do go out at the beginning just say ‘we are paying for ourselves right?’ When the bill comes you say ‘okay so it’s £x each’.
I can’t imagine a situation where I could end up paying for the lot! What does she say?
‘bobby you can pay’
’err no’

That’s not what was said in the OP. You use the word ‘probably’ so you don’t know and the Op hasn’t really clarified. Nobody can MAKE someone do something (like paying a bill) if they don’t want to.

Why would you bother to go for a drink, let alone dinner with someone you don’t like?

I am genuinely curious what is the place where the menu looks disgusting? 😅 Don’t have to reveal the name if you dont want to but what is on their menu?

Even if you go for a drink, pay for yours only… it’s not that difficult. She sounds a pain and you don’t care keeping her as a friend so perfect opportunity to practice saying no. You’ll feel better for it.

But what is the food??

No thanks you Victor Meldrew

Don’t be silly, OP. No one can ‘make you pay’ or indeed force you to eat out. She hasn’t got you at gunpoint.

If you don't feel you can say "that food doesn't look at all appealing to me" to her then she's not your friend.

If you don't feel you can say "I've paid for several expensive meals for us, I think it's your turn to pay" to her then she's not your friend.

you clearly don't think she cares about your wellbeing.

Do you actually like spending time with her?

Nobody can make you pay and what is disgusting about the menu...you might not like the particular cuisine but saying it's disgusting makes you sound like a tantrumming child

You are no further along in asserting yourself by just going for a drink instead of a meal.

You are clearly still expecting her to use you.
So in turn, she is expecting you to allow her to use you.

She isn’t going to suddenly change her expectation until you change your behaviour first. You need to be willing to stop inviting her to use you.
It’s entirely your fault if you don’t break through that very convenient thick skin of hers. You need to be blunt. Spell it out clearly so that there’s no misunderstanding.

So the words you need OP, are….
‘Let’s just go for a drink but make sure you have the means to pay because I need to make changes and from now on, I will only be paying for myself, not for you as well.’

I’m also not sure how any restaurant could have food that can be described as ‘disgusting’ unless it’s offal based.

You have a perfect excuse then, just say you’re not eating out at the moment because of your health issues.

Woman up and be honest!

Re: paying. Tell her it’s not ok.

re: meal sorry don’t want to go there as I don’t like the food and it’s very expensive.