My boyfriend wants me to pay half the rent when he stays over

[MarmaladeAndToastt]

I’m not sure if im being unreasonable here but my boyfriend thinks he should be paying half my rent because he stays at mine a lot. I dont think its that simple and we have had a massive argument about it. I would like some outside opinions becuase I honestly dont know what to do now.

I’m 41 and have two children. My son is 14 and lives with me, my daughter is 19 and is at university but comes home some weekends. I work 3 days a week and get some universal credit as well. I’ve been divorced for several years. My sons dad pays maintenance but contact is very unreliable, so its mostly just me and the children. Money is tight but we manage.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. He is 44 and works full time. He rents a small flat about 25 minutes away from me. The problem is he stays here about 4 nights a week, sometimes more. He has a key, keeps clothes here and usually eats dinner with me and my son. He will sometimes stay an extra night if he has an early start for work. We have talked about living together one day but nothing is actually planned.

My rent is £875 a month, then theres council tax, electric, gas, water, internet and food on top. I have always paid the rent myself and the tenancy is in my name. Recently he has started saying that he should be contributing because he is basically living here. He thinks half the rent is fair, plus some of the bills. I said I dont agree with that. He still has his own flat and pays rent there, and if he wants to go home he can. My son needs stability and I dont want to suddenly make it feel like someone else is taking over our home.

Last week he transferred £200 into my bank account and messaged me saying it was his contribution for the month. I sent it straight back. I know that probably sounds ungrateful but I hadnt agreed to it and it felt like he was just deciding for me. He then said I treat him like a guest when it suits me but expect him to act like a partner when I need help. That really upset me because I dont think I do that. I just dont think staying over means you automatically get half the tenancy.

I do appreciate that he buys food sometimes and pays for things when we go out. He also helps with my son occasionally, although I dont ask him to do much as I dont want to put him in that position. But I pay the rent whether he is here or not, and I would still have to pay it if we split up tomorrow. I feel like he is making it into a business arrangement when we are supposed to be in a relationship. Maybe im looking at it the wrong way.

There is another thing which probably makes me look worse. I havent told the landlord how often he stays. I originally said he was just my boyfriend visiting, which he is, but I suppose four or five nights a week is more than just visiting. My daughter also thinks he stays a couple of nights a week because I havent really told her the full situation. I dont want her worrying about me and her brother having someone practically living here when we havent even discussed moving in properly. I know I should probably be more honest about that.

So what do people think? Should he be paying towards the rent if he is here most of the week, even though he has his own flat? Or am I being unreasonable sending the money back? I dont want to take advantage of him but I also dont want to agree to something and then regret it. What would you do?

I agree. The money isn’t the issue. It’s the stealth moving in that is, and ‘rent contribution’ has brought it to the light. Dp has basically stated I live here part time’ by doing that Op hasn’t agreed to this and/or it’s not been discussed. Maybe dp is just trying to be helpful to op, and honestly wants to pay his fair share, but it’s not his decesion to make. Op gets to decide who lives in her house, not him.

I think there are 2 ways to look at it.

You are taking a negative stance, in that you are worried he is looking to take over the lease, inserting himself further in your life when you aren't ready. You do need to consider things like your Universal Credit entitlement and obviously also whether your son is ready. Given you have mentioned a difficult separation in the past, this is completely understandable.

However, another option is that he is just trying to be fair. He recognises that your bills may be higher with him staying half the time, and as you are on UC obviously not flush with cash. So in my opinion it sounds like he is trying to help and not cause you financial concerns.

It is absolutely fine to not be ready for the next step, and not become reliant on him. You definitely need to have a chat, make sure you relay your concerns, but try and understand he is very possibly coming from a really good place with it. But make sure he knows you aren't ready for the next step, you appreciate him trying to contribute more. Maybe he can pay for a little holiday away for you both instead?

I think that's totally fair enough, can you say that to him? Maybe he can buy groceries instead rather than transferring the money to you 'for rent'

Why are you only working 3 days a week if you need universal credit ?

OP, if you come back, please ignore the questions re benefit fraud, no one here knows your situation and that's not what you came here asking about. It's no one else's business, we don't know your story.

I also think you should take the comments about him just being nice an considerate with a pinch of salt. It's considerate to give a genuine offer to contribute, but when told him you were not comfortable with that he ignored your concerns and decided to do it anyway. I think your intuition is telling you that he is buying his way in, and will feel entitled to stay/do what he likes when he likes. You are then giving up the safety, security and independence of having your own place.

Listen to your intuition here, don't ignore it.

I’d love to know why you are having to lie to your daughter and landlady about him @MarmaladeAndToastt .

Tells is there’s much more to this story than you’re letting on

Well Said!

It's not the opposite of a cocklodger as people keep saying.

The OP isn't comfortable with him deciding that he's "basically living there" without discussing it with her. Its not just the 4 nights a week either, its also when he's working the next day as its easier for him to get to work from her place.
And the snarky answer when she tried to discuss it with him wasn't great either.

If its moving too fast for her, its moving too fast for her and she does not have to be grateful for that.

She says her independence was very hard won and she's not ready yet. She still has a 14 year old at home and a DD at uni who will most likely be back in the next 2 years before earning enough to get her own place.

That's all that matters. If he doesn't like that, then they want different things. She' a free agent and she doesn't have to justify it.

Honestly the amount of people on here who don’t understand UC, but still feel the need to comment inaccurate information is ridiculous. There is no limit to the amount of days you can have someone staying over. He has his own place, with his own bills. This is fine. It’s not fraud.

He is a wannabe cocklodger.

He wants to move and his contribution be £200 per month? He can fuck off!

OP, don't let him move in for any amount. Once he has feet under the table, he will find ways not to pay you a penny or bung you a £20 now and then.

We will never know I guess

It is wrong if he does not discuss it with the tenant first.

This is absolute nonsense. UC are not the least bit interested in how many nights a week he stays. The legal test as to whether he is living with OP is whether he pays household bills there, receives his post there and has no other place of residence. He doesn’t do any of that and he has his own flat. If he is making a contribution to cover his own costs while he’s there, UC won’t be interested. They will see money being transferred into her account as one off sums and once she explains the kind of incidental expenses they represent, they won’t be counted.

Why is that relevant ?