My boyfriend wants me to pay half the rent when he stays over

[MarmaladeAndToastt]

I’m not sure if im being unreasonable here but my boyfriend thinks he should be paying half my rent because he stays at mine a lot. I dont think its that simple and we have had a massive argument about it. I would like some outside opinions becuase I honestly dont know what to do now.

I’m 41 and have two children. My son is 14 and lives with me, my daughter is 19 and is at university but comes home some weekends. I work 3 days a week and get some universal credit as well. I’ve been divorced for several years. My sons dad pays maintenance but contact is very unreliable, so its mostly just me and the children. Money is tight but we manage.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. He is 44 and works full time. He rents a small flat about 25 minutes away from me. The problem is he stays here about 4 nights a week, sometimes more. He has a key, keeps clothes here and usually eats dinner with me and my son. He will sometimes stay an extra night if he has an early start for work. We have talked about living together one day but nothing is actually planned.

My rent is £875 a month, then theres council tax, electric, gas, water, internet and food on top. I have always paid the rent myself and the tenancy is in my name. Recently he has started saying that he should be contributing because he is basically living here. He thinks half the rent is fair, plus some of the bills. I said I dont agree with that. He still has his own flat and pays rent there, and if he wants to go home he can. My son needs stability and I dont want to suddenly make it feel like someone else is taking over our home.

Last week he transferred £200 into my bank account and messaged me saying it was his contribution for the month. I sent it straight back. I know that probably sounds ungrateful but I hadnt agreed to it and it felt like he was just deciding for me. He then said I treat him like a guest when it suits me but expect him to act like a partner when I need help. That really upset me because I dont think I do that. I just dont think staying over means you automatically get half the tenancy.

I do appreciate that he buys food sometimes and pays for things when we go out. He also helps with my son occasionally, although I dont ask him to do much as I dont want to put him in that position. But I pay the rent whether he is here or not, and I would still have to pay it if we split up tomorrow. I feel like he is making it into a business arrangement when we are supposed to be in a relationship. Maybe im looking at it the wrong way.

There is another thing which probably makes me look worse. I havent told the landlord how often he stays. I originally said he was just my boyfriend visiting, which he is, but I suppose four or five nights a week is more than just visiting. My daughter also thinks he stays a couple of nights a week because I havent really told her the full situation. I dont want her worrying about me and her brother having someone practically living here when we havent even discussed moving in properly. I know I should probably be more honest about that.

So what do people think? Should he be paying towards the rent if he is here most of the week, even though he has his own flat? Or am I being unreasonable sending the money back? I dont want to take advantage of him but I also dont want to agree to something and then regret it. What would you do?

Yes, it was way over the top. My brother in law bought bread and bacon to my house last time he visited....I definitely don't class him as a member of my household!!

Ok fair enough. I wasn't thinking about the UC angle.

I think I get where you're coming from. You don't want him to feel he has 'rights' as to the 'ordering and management' of your home and it feels to you like paying 'rent' may make him feel he does. Also, you don't want a situation where he 'moves in by stealth' and the fact that he has clothes there, showers, etc etc AND now wants to 'pay rent' would definitely worry me on that score.

I think I'd outright reject any notion of him paying anything he considers paying any part of the rent. Buying food, even a week's shopping, would be fine. But he would have to buy the food himself and I would accept it as a 'kind gesture' not a 'contribution to the household'. Offering to pay something towards utilities I'd be OK with as it would be easy to figure how much the utilities have gone up. But I wouldn't accept more than the increase in cost.

Maybe I'm overly cautious, but I've seen a lot in my long life. And I never put anything beyond most men.

good point.

I think there's a good reason the OP feels uncomfortable about this. there's something that doesn't trust him entirely.... which also makes me think, is this a relationship that will last the long term!? It raises so many bigger questions. Why does she feel like this?

I don't think she's wrong at all! but also, a sniff of lovebombing / coming on too strong with the 'knight in shining armour' tactics can be serious cause for concern.

Accepting his money is not an obligation you can change your mind at any time

Just accept and say thank you and then if he changes and thinks he's going to be the boss of your apartment then you can just end it

It's tricky isn't it?

Is he being a good guy wanting to pay his way?

Or moving in by stealth.. Only @MarmaladeAndToastt can really weigh that one up.

You did say OP that you were uncomfortable because you'd never got around to discussing moving in. But he's there 4 sometimes 5 nights a week. more if he's working the next day you said... and has a key etc which seems like he already has
Is there something in the fact that he can get to work more easily from yours but his flat is 25 mins away.

I think if you are uncomfortable, you should slow things down a bit.

Maybe I'm overly cautious, but I've seen a lot in my long life. And I never put anything beyond most men.
Same here.

Oh gosh you will end up losing one of the few good ones if you seriously get your back up over such a bizarre thing. He is literally doing what my now dh used to do before we married and moved into a new place together, voluntarily contributing towards food and what he uses etc nothing more

I'm baffled by a lot of these replies. Your boundaries are your boundaries. You've told him that this is what you are comfortable with. And i an see it. You want to be reliant upon yourself, and yourself only. You don't want to be dependent again, and accepting money makes you feel that way. You have to talk to him about that and he may see it as a rejection. But, ultimately, you need to feel comfortable with how you live your life.

If it was me I would ask him to reduce overnight visits (to no more than 2) to slow things down to a more comfortable pace, take money out of the equation and be in line with what you are telling DD and LL.

OP, to avoid problems with the tenancy and council tax etc. you could do what my late father did when he had a partner living nearby. They were both living alone and so they each had a 25% discount on their council tax. They limited their nights at each other's houses to three per week. I am not sure if it's written down somewhere that having someone staying in your house more than three nights a week, on a permanent basis, disqualifies you from the discount. It might have been a boundary that my dad put down to stop her from potentially making a claim on the house in the event of his death, I am not sure. But keeping things to three nights a week at yours sounds like it might avoid a lot of potential issues. Ideally, one of the nights would be at yours, but I don't think you should do that with your son being so young. If he goes to uni, that will be different.

I know that this three nights a week thing would be hard to implement, given your current routine. He's bound to push back, as it sounds like he's pretty keen on getting his feet under the table. (Which would irritate me no end.) But I think the issue of your landlord and the tenancy is a real one, so that's a great reason to tell Mr. Keen that you have to pull it back a bit.

Same here.

He is literally doing what my now dh used to do before we married and moved into a new place together, voluntarily contributing towards food and what he uses etc nothing more

And that's fine and acceptable. But OP specifies that he considers what he gives her to be 'his part' of her actual rent. That's a horse of a different colour.

He may be 'one of the good ones', but he may not be. OP obviously senses there's something there she does't feel comfortable with. She needs to listen to her gut instinct. I wouldn't say she needs to end the relationship (right now). But if she's not comfortable with his offer and the pace at which things are moving, then she should turn it down and slow things down. If he's truly a 'good one', he'll understand and respect her decision.

This.
The first question, which isn't addressed in your OP is: Do you WANT him to stay four nights a week every week? Or do you feel pressured into that much?

Trying to take over part of the rent has implications, though - for her UC, council tax discount, and tenancy. For those reasons, trying to help with her rent is really inappropriate, and OP did exactly the right thing sending it back. He may, of course, simply have not considered these things.

There's another issue that he may feel it gives him more say over her private space. OP seems wary about this potential issue.

There are SO many ways he could thank OP for having him over. Groceries and maybe some cash for utilities. I would stay away from putting anything in her bank account. But he could also make nice gestures like taking her or her and her son out for some meals, by organising nice days out and paying for those, by paying for holidays....he could enhance her life and show appreciation lots of ways that don't jeopardise her living arrangements.

Speaking of which, OP and him are certainly jeopardising the UC, council tax, and tenancy by him staying over what often seems like 5-6 nights a week. They need to cut back to 3 nights a week. They can still spend other evenings together, and if her son goes to uni then she can stay at his too.

I agree. I've said three in my previous posts, but to protect OP's UC, council tax discount, and tenancy, two nights would be better. And I hope he doesn't start whining about OP spending a night or two at his. He knows OP has a teenage son.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of things there, it's just that I know these pushy types.

I also agree 100%.

I wonder if he's got an eye on moving in and paying half of OP's 875-pound rent? Because that would probably be a mere fraction of what he's paying now, assuming he's renting privately. He would probably be able to save a ton in a couple of years. Maybe his offer of rent isn't as selfless as it seems.

And OP, it would appear, is not stupid. She did exactly the right thing sending it back - especially if he's labelled it "Rent contribution" or some such!

In many ways, the rent is a red herring. I think you feel that by paying rent, he’s moved in, but you haven’t decided that you want to live together yet, even though he stays half the week. Also, he has decided this unilaterally, without than discussing it with you. (And sending it back was the right thing to do)

Are you slightly afraid that he wants to live with you full time and you don’t want this? You like being in charge if your own rent, bills etc, and having that independence, especially after your previous divorce.

Maybe time to slow down. Reduce the time he sleeps over. He’s moved in by stealth and you’re not ready for this. Whose idea was it for him to move in gis clothes etc? Perhaps suggest he stays at his own house more. It’s absolutely fine to do this.

I think your approach is right OP. You are pleased that he is happy to pay his share of groceries and evenings out, but because you don't want any confusion over the tenancy of your and your children's home, you can't accept any rent.

And stick to that.

His claim that you "treat him like a guest when it suits you but expect him to act like a partner when you need help. " implies he thinks he should have some sort of control or authority and that would worry me. It is your flat, not his, and you make the decisions not him. That must always be absolutely clear.

YANBU at all.

It sounds like the relationship has moved faster than you planned. Maybe things have run away with you and you now find him staying 4-6 nights a week without having wanted something so full time. It’s very fast for your 14 year old son too, is he happy, do you get quality time with him still?

Also sounds like you’re not happy with it as you don’t want to tell your DD. The offer and pushing of money seems to formalise the relationship and next it’ll be him saying that he might as well move in. Would he be so keen if it wasn’t so convenient for his work?

At first read he sounds lovely and generous, recognising your increased cost, and probably the reduction in his own bills. I’d be wary though.

Years ago my now dh would stay over often. He offered to pay rent. I said no. I wanted a quiet home and he was very social and enjoyed having his friends over. I didn’t want to make any commitment at that time.

We stayed together and eventually we married.

I don’t see where he said it was rent? He said it was his contribution for the month and that covers food, gas and electricity.

Surely he's being remarkably generous when he doesn't need to be? Paying you some money doesn't give him any rights and he's got his own place anyway so he's not moving in. Lucky you.

I was in same situation before I moved my boyfriend in and he wanted to pay his way.

Its makes them feel herd and accept in the family if they pay. Makes them feel part of the family and not a person who comes and visits.

Let him give you some money work out what he can afford and let him pay.

Its extra money u dont have and even if u just save the money up for a rainy day at least he will feel like he belong to the family

Yeah, this nasty little dig at OP after she declined his rent money, and his pushiness, really makes me question if this relationship is a healthy choice for OP.

I suspect he's got his eye on some juicily low rent, thinking he's going to pay less than 450 a month once he moves in with OP and her 875-a-month rent. This would explain why he started insulting and criticising OP when she sent that rent money back.