My boyfriend wants me to pay half the rent when he stays over

[MarmaladeAndToastt]

I’m not sure if im being unreasonable here but my boyfriend thinks he should be paying half my rent because he stays at mine a lot. I dont think its that simple and we have had a massive argument about it. I would like some outside opinions becuase I honestly dont know what to do now.

I’m 41 and have two children. My son is 14 and lives with me, my daughter is 19 and is at university but comes home some weekends. I work 3 days a week and get some universal credit as well. I’ve been divorced for several years. My sons dad pays maintenance but contact is very unreliable, so its mostly just me and the children. Money is tight but we manage.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. He is 44 and works full time. He rents a small flat about 25 minutes away from me. The problem is he stays here about 4 nights a week, sometimes more. He has a key, keeps clothes here and usually eats dinner with me and my son. He will sometimes stay an extra night if he has an early start for work. We have talked about living together one day but nothing is actually planned.

My rent is £875 a month, then theres council tax, electric, gas, water, internet and food on top. I have always paid the rent myself and the tenancy is in my name. Recently he has started saying that he should be contributing because he is basically living here. He thinks half the rent is fair, plus some of the bills. I said I dont agree with that. He still has his own flat and pays rent there, and if he wants to go home he can. My son needs stability and I dont want to suddenly make it feel like someone else is taking over our home.

Last week he transferred £200 into my bank account and messaged me saying it was his contribution for the month. I sent it straight back. I know that probably sounds ungrateful but I hadnt agreed to it and it felt like he was just deciding for me. He then said I treat him like a guest when it suits me but expect him to act like a partner when I need help. That really upset me because I dont think I do that. I just dont think staying over means you automatically get half the tenancy.

I do appreciate that he buys food sometimes and pays for things when we go out. He also helps with my son occasionally, although I dont ask him to do much as I dont want to put him in that position. But I pay the rent whether he is here or not, and I would still have to pay it if we split up tomorrow. I feel like he is making it into a business arrangement when we are supposed to be in a relationship. Maybe im looking at it the wrong way.

There is another thing which probably makes me look worse. I havent told the landlord how often he stays. I originally said he was just my boyfriend visiting, which he is, but I suppose four or five nights a week is more than just visiting. My daughter also thinks he stays a couple of nights a week because I havent really told her the full situation. I dont want her worrying about me and her brother having someone practically living here when we havent even discussed moving in properly. I know I should probably be more honest about that.

So what do people think? Should he be paying towards the rent if he is here most of the week, even though he has his own flat? Or am I being unreasonable sending the money back? I dont want to take advantage of him but I also dont want to agree to something and then regret it. What would you do?

Well that's fair enough but maybe write down in a few bullet points what you are feeling and why, and use it to keep you on track when you talk to him about it.

Perhaps you could come to a compromise, like he pays for groceries or something. But you need to be very clear with him that you are not ready for moving in, or anything like that.

Recently he has started saying that he should be contributing because he is basically living here.

I think posters who think this is all lovely are missing this bit. The OP isn't ready for him to move in. He is TELLING her that he essentially is and should pay rent. And now, when she has declined that set up, he's ignoring her.

If he is paying rent, then how is she going to be able to tell him not to be there when she or her children need some space in their own home?

He also doesn't seem to understand that being a supportive boyfriend doesn't have to come with living rights.

This may not be the point, but what jumped out to me was My daughter also thinks he stays a couple of nights a week because I havent really told her the full situation. I dont want her worrying about me and her brother having someone practically living here
Doesn't her brother mention how often he stays over?

Because she can increase her hours at work now she doesn’t need to provide wrap around care or pay nursery fees. Full time work plus money from her boyfriend. Like another said upthread - benefits are designed to be a stop gap to get you on your feet whilst you find full time work. Not a lifestyle choice for someone who chooses to work part time.

When I was in this situation with DH I wouldn't accept anything towards rent etc. Until we were married. It was my house and I didn't want him having a claim. He paid for food. Unfortunately it looks like there are plans to change the law so if he lives with you for a few years and you split up he will be entitled to some of your house. If you want him to move in and pay rent then get a solicitor to draw up a proper agreement which makes it clear he has no rights to the house in event of a split. If you're not ready yet then carry on as you are. It's not about you taking advantage of him. That's not the issue.

Thats what I think

I think you call it a “contribution towards extra bills” rather than “paying half the rent”, your electricity & food bills for example will be higher with an extra adult there half the time. I think £200 a month sounds fair plus buying some food/paying for entertainment

OP hasn’t specified her circumstances so it’s a bit judgemental to assume she can work full time. It chooses not to.

If you were to have a review and the bank statements say ref rent blah blah they would definitely look at your claim further

OP, i would be very concerned.
He has pushed something on you without your agreement.
18 months is nothing and he has half moved in.
It's far far too much.
Your son has every right to feel you HAVE moved someone in.
5 nights is far too much.

He doesn't have to pay rent at all.
He could give you some prepaid supermarket vouchers for where you shop for food if you feed him etc.

His pushiness is disrespectful and a red flag.
He doesn't get to decide it is rent.
Also you are very foolish if you are risking your home and tenancy by having him over so much.

Of course him staying 4-5 nights is costing you.
But him moving in by stealth is worrying.

18 months is nothing for him to have moved in especially when you have children.

Slow things right down and put your children and home security first.

Why have you allowed him to move in by stealth without discussion?
Why does he have a key to your property?
What does your son feel about this man being in his home almost full time?
How do you want this relationship to proceed?
Why are you claiming UC instead of working full time?

I wouldn't accept any money from him as he probably isn't supposed to be staying as much (perhaps reduce his overnights?) And there are new laws coming in which gives more rights to non-married partners in the event of a break up. I'd be wanting to keep anything separate unless you actually decide to properly move in together.

The OP rents so no worries about him taking half of the house
I would be more worried that if she get a review it looks like that he is paying her money especially if it says rent

Can you get advice from citizens advice bureau or even a solicitor who understands the ins and outs of UC and tenancy arrangements? I think others are right, he may well be a very decent guy but you are feeling railroaded. Maybe he can pay for holidays / meals out etc in lieu of bills. Don't let him rush you towards anything you aren't comfortable with.

If they do change the laws on this it will be years away and also, would only apply in certain circumstances eg people who had children together or s/he had paid half for an extension etc and could prove it etc.

So your boyfriend wants to contribute but you would rather the tax payer keeps paying your bills?

Thank you...my fault for speed reading the OP!
Either way, I think overnights need to be reduced for UC reasons and also if OP is wobbly about it all being too soon.

Sounds like a good un to me, if it makes you uncomfortable you need to have an open conversation with him that it’s going too fast for you. You could negotiate him getting some shops in instead of cash.

It sounds like independence, financial stability and a secure home for your children are the most important things in your life now. I agree with this. Am in a similar situation and would not do anything to rock the boat until the children are adults.

Otherwise can affect UC, council tax discount, FSM, free prescriptions/dental treatment etc and your daughter's student loan.

The Mum of my daughter's friend moved her partner into the household when her daughter was about to go to uni. In the first year her daughter got the full maintenance loan, plus the additional low income loan and a £2,000 low income bursary from the uni. For subsequent years, tbe income of the partner is taken into account. The student daughter's loan eligibility has dropped from around £10,000 year to £3,500 a year and the household income is above the threshold for the uni bursary.

Daughter's friend doesn't know if she can continue at uni. Very stressful all round.

For those claiming OP is committing benefit fraud, during lockdown DH and I ‘bubbled’ and he stayed at mine but kept his own place. I was on UC. Somehow the DWP got wind of this (I suspect ex-DH)and said they had to investigate. DH just showed them his own council tax account and we never heard another thing about it.

Oh I can see where he’s pushing your boundaries, especially since you sound very independent and self sufficient.
However , I think I’d accept him buying a full supermarket shop some weeks and maybe filling up your car with fuel , that sort of thing plus a meal out / drinks out sometimes.
He could genuinely feel he wants to pay his way and is trying to be fair ?

Hmm if you’re struggling would it help to see it that if he isn’t paying his way he is depriving your son of money. If you are on UC then you’re probably having to budget. Him not paying his way means you haven’t got as much to spend on your son or to save. I’m not surprised he feels awkward and it’s actually lovely that he does. He doesn’t want to take advantage of you and your son. Just work out his percentage of the water bill, food bill and atleast let him pay those things.

Im not sure why you sent the £200 back, its nowhere near half your rent so you could have easily reconciled taking it with the extra water etc he’s using
TBH its refreshing that he wants to contribute, you’re getting yourself into flap because you thinking of it as part rent/tenancy when really £200 a month doesn’t cover much when he’s there so much of the time.

@MarmaladeAndToastt you think this is moving too quickly, and this is the crux of the issue

slow things down, tell him it’s a couple of nights a week max and that you want to take things more slowly.