My boyfriend wants me to pay half the rent when he stays over

[MarmaladeAndToastt]

I’m not sure if im being unreasonable here but my boyfriend thinks he should be paying half my rent because he stays at mine a lot. I dont think its that simple and we have had a massive argument about it. I would like some outside opinions becuase I honestly dont know what to do now.

I’m 41 and have two children. My son is 14 and lives with me, my daughter is 19 and is at university but comes home some weekends. I work 3 days a week and get some universal credit as well. I’ve been divorced for several years. My sons dad pays maintenance but contact is very unreliable, so its mostly just me and the children. Money is tight but we manage.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. He is 44 and works full time. He rents a small flat about 25 minutes away from me. The problem is he stays here about 4 nights a week, sometimes more. He has a key, keeps clothes here and usually eats dinner with me and my son. He will sometimes stay an extra night if he has an early start for work. We have talked about living together one day but nothing is actually planned.

My rent is £875 a month, then theres council tax, electric, gas, water, internet and food on top. I have always paid the rent myself and the tenancy is in my name. Recently he has started saying that he should be contributing because he is basically living here. He thinks half the rent is fair, plus some of the bills. I said I dont agree with that. He still has his own flat and pays rent there, and if he wants to go home he can. My son needs stability and I dont want to suddenly make it feel like someone else is taking over our home.

Last week he transferred £200 into my bank account and messaged me saying it was his contribution for the month. I sent it straight back. I know that probably sounds ungrateful but I hadnt agreed to it and it felt like he was just deciding for me. He then said I treat him like a guest when it suits me but expect him to act like a partner when I need help. That really upset me because I dont think I do that. I just dont think staying over means you automatically get half the tenancy.

I do appreciate that he buys food sometimes and pays for things when we go out. He also helps with my son occasionally, although I dont ask him to do much as I dont want to put him in that position. But I pay the rent whether he is here or not, and I would still have to pay it if we split up tomorrow. I feel like he is making it into a business arrangement when we are supposed to be in a relationship. Maybe im looking at it the wrong way.

There is another thing which probably makes me look worse. I havent told the landlord how often he stays. I originally said he was just my boyfriend visiting, which he is, but I suppose four or five nights a week is more than just visiting. My daughter also thinks he stays a couple of nights a week because I havent really told her the full situation. I dont want her worrying about me and her brother having someone practically living here when we havent even discussed moving in properly. I know I should probably be more honest about that.

So what do people think? Should he be paying towards the rent if he is here most of the week, even though he has his own flat? Or am I being unreasonable sending the money back? I dont want to take advantage of him but I also dont want to agree to something and then regret it. What would you do?

Did you notice, OP, that at least three posters have said you are "angry" and one that you are "defensive". I re-read the original post a couple of times to be sure, and there's no indication that you are angry.
You said you had an argument after you told him "no", he sent you money anyway, and you sent it back. That doesn't make you "angry".
His reaction to being told no makes me think he doesn't respect you, and you are right to insist on your boundaries being respected here.

OP said he wants to pay half her rent and then he transferred her the 200 pounds, saying it was his contribution for the month. He didn't specify it was for food or utilities. Sounds like rent to me, and apparently it did to OP, because she sent it right back. He also might have labelled it as rent in his bank account, if he's trying to create a paper trail to show that he's been paying rent and therefore has some claim to the tenancy. You just have to have your wits about you.

He should not be transferring money to OP's bank account given that she's in receipt of UC and a council tenancy. She would need to declare his "contributions" as income, and that could create all sorts of problems for her.

That's the entire reason I said that if he wants to contribute, it should be with lifestyle stuff like meals, outings, holidays, and if he wants to give her utilities money, it should be physical cash. OP is in receipt of benefits (the low rent) and discounts that are for her and her son and that are contingent on her being the only adult in the household the majority of the time.

He needs to keep away from OP's bank account and he needs to put his feet under his own table more of the time, or he's going to royally fuck everything up for her.

Obviously he's doing this because he's got an eye to moving in with OP and paying only 440 a month rent, which must be a fraction of what he pays privately. Why else would he have insulted and criticised her way of being in the relationship when she sent the 200 pounds back? The 200 pounds about whose purpose he was unclear, maybe for reasons of his own. I'd be very interested to know if he labelled that transaction as rent contribution. If he keeps doing things like that and OP gets audited, she could get into trouble. The only way would be to declare his contributions, and then that would open a can of worms with her tenancy agreement etc.

But I don’t think op wants dp to feel ‘part of the family’ yet. He’s made that decision, not her. He’s pushing the relationship faster than op is ready for.

I wonder whose idea it was for him to have a key etc?

Op has a nice set up with her dc and herself, and is not ready or willing to take on another man permanently at the moment, which is perfectly fine and she’s entitled to feel this way. Dp is pressurising op into decesions she’s not ready for yet (and may never be).

Op - listen to your gut. It’s your home, so you make decesions about it. Don’t feel pressurised into doing anything you don’t want to.

Yes, and @Eletrunks , were you in receipt of UC and a council tenancy? That makes a HUGE difference. This is the problem that OP has. He needs to keep away from her bank account.

My current squeeze said that his former gf gave him a key to hers. I told him that hell would freeze over before he had a key to mine. (I'm post-commitment after a horrible marriage and divorce. Older and never marrying or cohabiting again, or handing over ANY control over my space, if I live to be a thousand. He knows that and I reiterate it every so often.)

These men can be extremely pushy when they decide they want something.

I actually think he’s quite clever, £200 as a contribution to bills and rent is really low. He looks generous by doing it, but this means he can stay a little more and more.

if he’s at the OPs that much he can cancel his Netflix, Amazon, tv licence, that’s £35 straight off.

You need to talk to this man. You need to find out why you are against him contributing, is it because you don’t want him staking a claim to your tenancy, you don’t want to make your living arrangements ‘official’ or you just aren’t ready?

It sounds like you let the current living arrangements (he has practically moved in) just happen and given it’s your home and you have a child living at home full time, I’m wondering why?

Why are you so reluctant to say to this man two to three nights a week is ok but four and sometimes five is too much? If this is moving too fast for you then say so because you are allowed to say that this is moving too fast.

I agree him transferring money direct to your bank account without prior consent is underhand and I’m glad you stood up to him.

So not being a cocklodger is being disrespectful is it?

So saying you don’t want to be subsidised and someone paying for your food, your use of gas and electricity etc and those boundaries are being ignored is ok?

It’s ok fir OP to ignore his boundaries to be self sufficient and not be funded by her?

Some MN posters just can’t see any right in anything men do.

Maybe she should LTB and move a complete cockldger in for 5 days a week?

Tell him that.

Males a change from the usual cocklodger stories we get on here.

If you don’t want him to be firm. Tell him to contribute to food /treats if he wants but your house is yours and you pay your own way. Are you happy with how often he stops ? If things are moving too fast take a step back.

You are committing benefit fraud if getting UC and having a partner staying on a regular basis and paying towards costs. If random amounts of money land in your account your claim will be classed as fraudulent and stopped.

I think OP is worried he's trying to move in by stealth and the next thing will be I Live Here Too and wanting to change things to suit him. If the daughters at uni, she still lives there.

Some of the replies on here are just depressing. So many times we read about cocklodgers not pulling their weight; here we have a man trying to do the right thing and still some posters assume he has a hidden agenda and it’s a red flag. Honestly, what have we come to?

I think it's reasonable that your boyfriend makes a financial contribution. He doesn't have to pay half your rent though, to be contributing. He could pay for grocery shopping and a little towards utilities, for example. There's another adult living in your home, so of course him being there, is going to cost you more money.

We hear of men being accused of being a cocklodger because they're expecting to live free with their girlfriend. Your boyfriend is more than happy to contribute. Perhaps he doesn't want to be perceived as a sponger, to you and others. It's being called a decent person, contributing.

Next thing will be Why Am I paying 2 Rents and moving his stuff in. How much is his rent, would it be cheaper to live at yours?. How much does he earn? Your benefits will be affected by him moving in but you should be working FT anyway.

Wow, can't do right,can't do wrong, maybe he should just sponge off you , and then you would have something to really moan about.
My partner paid some towards bills after staying over most nights of the week, he thought it was fair.

The number of nights a week he stays is irrelevant for benefit purposes. It’s not benefit fraud unless he has actually moved in and is contributing regularly to the household expenses. If he has his own home, pays bills there and has his post delivered there then he’s not living with OP. One off cash gifts are ignored for benefit purposes. It’s earned income or regular payments for living expenses which are looked at - which is probably partly why OP is concerned.

No, she’s not. This is nonsense. As long as he has is own home, gets his post delivered and is paying bills there, as far as the DWP are concerned he’s not living with OP. The number of nights he stays is irrelevant. Random amounts of money that can be explained are not benefit fraud either. One off cash gifts are fine as long as they’re declared. DWP are only interested in earned income or regular contributions towards OP’s own expenses so she is not doing anything wrong by taking money from him to cover his own expenses - groceries and other incidentals - incurred as a result of his stays.

I’d say he can pay some for use of utilities and food rather than rent. Do you get a discount on your council tax? If so be clear it’s just for food and utilities

Is there an opposite of LTB? HAK? He's a keeper.

I think i understand your resistance , is it about potentially losing your position of autonomy over your personal space?

I think you need to stop claiming UC and accept his money. Maybe also increase your hours at work now your son is 14.

Why would she stop claiming UC if he’s only paying her £200 ?

@TheRobotsAreComing benefits should lot be to get work life balance ! If opcan afford to work pt without needing the state to prop her up briilliant. But she can’t and 100% expectation should be she has to work full time.
It’s ridiculous that you can chose to be pt and expect benefits to do the rest !

this thread highlights everything wrong with current benefits system!