My boyfriend wants me to pay half the rent when he stays over

[MarmaladeAndToastt]

I’m not sure if im being unreasonable here but my boyfriend thinks he should be paying half my rent because he stays at mine a lot. I dont think its that simple and we have had a massive argument about it. I would like some outside opinions becuase I honestly dont know what to do now.

I’m 41 and have two children. My son is 14 and lives with me, my daughter is 19 and is at university but comes home some weekends. I work 3 days a week and get some universal credit as well. I’ve been divorced for several years. My sons dad pays maintenance but contact is very unreliable, so its mostly just me and the children. Money is tight but we manage.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. He is 44 and works full time. He rents a small flat about 25 minutes away from me. The problem is he stays here about 4 nights a week, sometimes more. He has a key, keeps clothes here and usually eats dinner with me and my son. He will sometimes stay an extra night if he has an early start for work. We have talked about living together one day but nothing is actually planned.

My rent is £875 a month, then theres council tax, electric, gas, water, internet and food on top. I have always paid the rent myself and the tenancy is in my name. Recently he has started saying that he should be contributing because he is basically living here. He thinks half the rent is fair, plus some of the bills. I said I dont agree with that. He still has his own flat and pays rent there, and if he wants to go home he can. My son needs stability and I dont want to suddenly make it feel like someone else is taking over our home.

Last week he transferred £200 into my bank account and messaged me saying it was his contribution for the month. I sent it straight back. I know that probably sounds ungrateful but I hadnt agreed to it and it felt like he was just deciding for me. He then said I treat him like a guest when it suits me but expect him to act like a partner when I need help. That really upset me because I dont think I do that. I just dont think staying over means you automatically get half the tenancy.

I do appreciate that he buys food sometimes and pays for things when we go out. He also helps with my son occasionally, although I dont ask him to do much as I dont want to put him in that position. But I pay the rent whether he is here or not, and I would still have to pay it if we split up tomorrow. I feel like he is making it into a business arrangement when we are supposed to be in a relationship. Maybe im looking at it the wrong way.

There is another thing which probably makes me look worse. I havent told the landlord how often he stays. I originally said he was just my boyfriend visiting, which he is, but I suppose four or five nights a week is more than just visiting. My daughter also thinks he stays a couple of nights a week because I havent really told her the full situation. I dont want her worrying about me and her brother having someone practically living here when we havent even discussed moving in properly. I know I should probably be more honest about that.

So what do people think? Should he be paying towards the rent if he is here most of the week, even though he has his own flat? Or am I being unreasonable sending the money back? I dont want to take advantage of him but I also dont want to agree to something and then regret it. What would you do?

I’m so confused. It seems he doesn’t want to be a financial burden and is looking for ways to make things easier for you. Seems like a green flag.

Is he otherwise respectful and kind?

There is no maximum number of nights another person can stay for UC purposes. What matters is whether he’s contributing to the household and whether he could be considered as living there. For the latter, if he has his own place, pays bills there and has his post delivered to that address then he’s not living with OP.

I think there probably is some of that if im honest. My divorce wasnt great and I suppose I have got used to it being just me and the children and making all the decisions myself. I dont like the idea of someone else having too much say in my home, especially with my son.

Maybe it is moving too fast as well. We have only been together 18 months and although we talk about living together, I dont feel ready for it yet. I think him sending the money made me feel like he had already decided we were at that stage without actually talking to me properly.

I do need to work out what im feeling becuase at the moment im just getting defensive with him. I dont want to push him away but I dont want to feel pressured either.

It doesn't matter. The criteria is whether he is officially living at her flat- so, not living anywhere else, it's his postal address etc. Which obviously is not the case here.

Op, kindly, this is such a non problem

Just be grateful you have a decent man

Be careful with your uc, ask him to pay the bills directly, rather than giving you the money

All good 👍

Unless it’s income OP has earned from work or a regular payment for living expenses UC won’t be interested. One off cash gifts are disregarded.

Why are you only working 3 days a week and claiming UC? And your BF is, on the face of it, attempting to pay his way. If you feel he is trying to push his way into actually living with you, you need to have that conversation with him, if it isn’t what you want. Because yes, if he did actually live with you that would affect your ability to claim.

In what way is he trying to take over half the tenancy?! (Which, btw, he can’t do) He’s trying to give you money because he stays over 4/7 nights, using water, raising other utility bills etc. why did you have a row about him trying to contribute? (Benefit fraud aside, I do think, however, that this comes into play with 4/7 nights of him being there, sorry)

No he shouldn't be paying half the rent.
Presumably your uc claim is as a single person. Which just isn't the case if a working adult pays half your rent and is practically living there.

OP, as a landlord it really makes no difference to me if someone has a boyfriend staying there 5 nights a week.

He's moving in by stealth.

He sounds like a good man, TBH, and he’s trying to pay his way. He’s there over half a week. He’s using electricity, gas, WiFi, water, food, etc. He doesn’t want you to be out of pocket for him and he can afford it. Things will change further if you move in together, and sometimes it’s hard to let go of some of that independence.

He’s doing what I would do in his situation: he’s trying to ensure he’s not being a financial burden on you. I think he’s being a good person for persisting in trying to pay his way.

I think possibly what this has done is it’s brought home to you the reality of your set up with him and flushing out your feelings about whether this is what you really want right now. You could find it’s totally what you want, it’s just that it needs your focussed attention on it.

I’d focus on that - whether you want to share your life with him at this stage or not (because that’s what you’ve drifted into) - rather than the fact that he’s forcing money on you (which as I said, in my opinion is a massive green flag and only what any decent person would do).

I assume your worry is that if someone reports him living with you, which he practically is, then any investigation will bring up the bank transfers and it will look as though he is contributing to the rent/bills, which you would be asked to explain.

Not sure why you think this is a bad thing!

as long as he continues to pay his own bills, council tax at his place it won’t impact you. Only if he gives up his own place, which doesn’t sound like he is doing, would it ever impact you

having a second person staying over does impact bills, food, just general expenses. There was that random thread where someone’s other half wanted to charge them for the extra toilet paper they were having to buy

take his cash with the goodwill I think it’s being offered with

@MarmaladeAndToastt I strongly suggest you reduce the frequency and regularity of this man’s overnights with you.

Isn’t your son utterly fed up with this state of affairs? Imagine a man who’s a virtual stranger having a key to your 14 year old son’s home. And that man now wanting rights over the domestic situation? How long before he starts dictating how much electricity and water are used. Or how much food is bought?

Your daughter at least has a modicum of independence, but your son is coming up to the most important and stressful years of his life so far. He deserves to feel comfortable at home without having your boyfriend imposed on him almost every day.

And yes - your boyfriend is trying to move in by stealth. Good luck getting rid of him if you feel you need to.

I don't get why you are annoyed. He has his own place. If you want him to stay less nights just tell him that. But if you think if he pays towards the rent and other expenses he will think that gives him rights then that's a problem.

It sounds like he stays a hell of a lot and much of that is convenient for him (not you).

Do you honestly get enough quality time with your son? I think you’re right to protect your time and space and your son’s home.

Is the lease on his place due to end soon?
Maybe he is thinking if his contract is up he could move in with you and save on living costs and starting to pay you money now is paving the way to do this?
Or maybe he is just being considerate of your financial situation and aware that an extra person to house and feed costs extra money 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. The pushiness is a big red flag.

If you’re hiding it from your DD because it’s too soon to move him in 5 nights a week, what about your son’s thoughts when he lives there? I never understand the rush. 5 nights a week is excessive.

I think this is more acceptable rather than your boyfriend thinking he is paying rent.
My perspective is that he is saying he wants to pay rent, then next he'll just ask to move in aswell.
So I would not accept the payment for rent.

Tell him he is not the tennant so it doesn't make sense for him to pay the rent.

If you feel comfortable with the idea of him contributing a small amount of money towards food then you could mention that you will accept that.

£200 seems fair if he’s staying at yours 3-4 nights a week, he sounds great!