Does he sound interested, or is he just being friendly?

[ArmyGirl845]

Just tried to post this in Chat, but it keeps disappearing

There’s this guy at my sports group …… I know him vaguely as a friend of a friend, and he’s single. We’ve both been at the same group for a while, and suddenly over the summer he caught my eye, no idea why, but I’ve developed quite a crush.There was no way I could just approach him without looking really obvious, but one evening we ended up in the same crowd having a coffee, and since then we’re on ‘hello’ terms.

So far so good. We’ve since had a very brief conversation about the weather (!) we both arrived in reception just as the heavens opened and exchanged a few words, initiated by me, I said I wish I was back abroad on my holidays, and we had a brief exchange. He was pleasant and friendly and I think I detected a hint of attraction.

So now we’re three months on, each time we see each other he aways says hello, sometimes with a big grin and a glint in his eye (sorry, I sound like a teenager!) and other times, frustratingly, just a normal hello. But even if he’s with other people, he will always acknowledge me. However this has gone no further. There have been a few times when I’ve been on my own and I thought he was going to come over, but he didn’t, and I could have misinterpreted the situation. He’s had numerous opportunities to start a further conversation, but he just says hello. But I get the impression he’s aware of me.

Next time I get chance, I plan to say something quite benign (maybe something about the sport etc) so at least if it goes nowhere, I’ve still got my dignity.
However other than ‘hello’, occasional light comments, I guess there is nothing more I can do, other than being around and making sure I look as good as I can, without looking ridiculous in a sports environment. Any suggestions?? Or does he sound pleasant but not interested?

By the psychological profile you’ve (briefly) described, he sounds like the type who pursues what he wants (rather than passively waits for things to happen to him). This can be viewed as old fashioned, or it can we viewed as being a person who is confident in who they are and what they want. So choosing not to ask him out is simply being astute.

Look the best you can. Pay him no attention. See what happens.

I like the sound of this!

OP actually said he’s very sociable, so that doesn’t seem to be the situation here.

Most grown adult men have jobs, friendship groups and plenty of normal adult social interactions.

I just don’t buy the idea that so many of them are so paralysed by shyness or social awkwardness that they can’t even find a small way to engage with a woman they’re interested in.

Even if a man doesn’t want to directly ask you out, you’d normally expect some indication of interest - initiating conversation, making general chit-chat, deliberately finding reasons to be near you, asking you questions, remembering things you’ve said, or trying to create opportunities to interact.

I am not saying every man has to march over and ask for your number. I’m saying there’s a difference between being shy and showing absolutely no reciprocal initiative whatsoever.

Equally, if a man came up to me and confidently told me I must be interested in him when I’d given him absolutely no indication that I was, I’d probably think he was a bit of a creep. 😂

I agree, there seems to be this thought process on here that men are overall shy socially awkward creatures, for the overwhelming majority of them this is not the case,

I just posted on Reddit asking men on this subject. Oh boy, it blew up, confirming what I've been suspecting. But it seems there is an almost unanimous contrary female take here. Best of luck to everyone in your dating endeavors!

So what was the consensus on Reddit? Do any of their male readers ask women out?

So, are you saying that men never ask women out? 😂 Perhaps I just hallucinated all those men asking me out then over the years 🤔

Sorry, I don't believe that for a second. If men are all such shy, terrified wallflowers, how do you explain the sheer volume of unsolicited dick pics women receive online? 😂

And the actual data doesn't really support the idea that men generally sit back and wait to be approached either.

Kreager et al. (2014) analysed 177,404 first contacts on an online dating site. 142,444 were initiated by men and 34,960 by women — roughly 80% versus 20%, or a 4:1 ratio. The study found a strong gender difference in who initiated contact.

There are plenty of other studies showing similar patterns, but frankly I can't be arsed to link them all. 😂

Obviously, that doesn't mean every man will make the first move, or that a man who doesn't approach isn't interested. But the idea that men are generally too shy or socially inhibited to initiate when they're interested simply doesn't square with the evidence I'm afraid

I know several men like him. Big busy careers, play tennis, golf, sail in their limited free time, an ex in the background.
They have no intention of marrying again and all further interactions will be of the very casual nature for the foreseeable future.
They like their uncomplicated lives and crucially have no need of childcare!!

Yep, this would describe’John’ although I have no idea about an ex in the background, but I doubt he lives like a monk

The premise was "If a man is really interested in a woman, he'll let her know." Along with the views laid out here. The consensus was that most men are too shy, too cautious (for reasons I've mentioned), too unaware or uncertain of her signals, and many have pointed out the gender inequality behind this mentality, saying they're done taking the first step. Several called it entitled and a red flag. The most popular comment was that men love to be approached.

@ladyofroo "So, are you saying that men never ask women out? 😂 Perhaps I just hallucinated all those men asking me out then over the years 🤔"

Please stop twisting my words, I never said this and I'm done with this pointless conversation.

I get men approach me regularly, I see men do it regularly. It’s utterly insane so suggest most men don’t do this. It feels like self soothing to me, men don’t ask me out so must be all men, kind of thing.

But you're doing exactly the same thing. 'Men ask me out regularly, therefore most men ask women out regularly.' Confirmation bias.

No I’m not, I work in a male dominated environment, I have a husband, he has friends, I have a large female friendship circle. I have a daughter, she has friends, Getting hit on my men is not some foreign historical experience. Most men still do the running.

if you’re not being asked out then it’s for reasons other than men on average are shy retiring socially awkward creatures and I’m utterly stunned anyone actually believes that.

Yes, like women, some men are shy, socially awkward, introverted, but is it the majority, clearly not.

Haven’t read every single post but you have to flirt! Subtly. Hold his gaze a fraction too long. Give him a compliment. Flash him a flirty smile. You lose nothing at all but you’re letting him know.

Because you are taking a self selecting thread on reddit to extrapolate that

"MOST men are too shy, too cautious (for reasons I've mentioned), too unaware or uncertain of her signals"

Which is simply ridiculous. Of course some men are shy and don't make a move. Nobody is disputing that. But if most men who are interested are too afraid or uncertain to show it, while women are also supposedly waiting for men to make the first move, then how exactly are all these people ending up in relationships? If this were the case then most people would be single! But this isnt the case.

Men and women clearly do find ways to communicate interest and get together. The existence of shy men doesn't demonstrate that the majority of men who are attracted to a woman will remain completely passive.

And of course men love women asking them out - thats extremely obvious, who wouldnt want to be flattered like that- it's a huge compliment! it doesnt necessarily follow that they are actually attracted to the woman though does it? What they mean is- they like being asked out by hot women, not women they find unattractive.

If a man is genuinely attracted to you, even if he’s shy, I’d expect some indication of it. He may not be confident enough to ask you out directly, but there will usually be some kind of reciprocal behaviour - initiating conversation, finding reasons to be near you, asking questions, engaging with you, or showing it through his body language. Body language is unconscious too, so it can help but leak out.

Men don't necessarily have to make a bold move either but I simply dont believe that someone can be highly attracted to a woman and consistently show zero interest towards her.

As another poster said, I do wonder whether the idea that a man can be deeply attracted to you while giving you absolutely no indication whatsoever can sometimes become a comforting explanation for why the interest you're hoping for isn't actually being shown.

You're referencing a comment that listed what the men replied. Nothing about myself. Are they self-soothing because don't get asked out by men?

@FringedAnd This thread is riddled with logical fallacies and double standards, it's exhausting.

They don’t always. Men sometimes feel shy too. (No, I’m not a man myself.)

Just a final word, then I'm outta here:

"Most men" referred to the answer that most men gave when asked. Make of that what you will.

I feel you're over thinking it op. If a woman were to say hi like this, or somebody you're not attracted to, would you think the same thing? It seems because you like him you're over reacting to simple friendliness eg talking about the weather, which you'd do with a random at the busstop! If you like him, maybe add on Facebook to test the waters, but as others have said, he isn't going to make the first move from what you've described.

You should ask that guy at the pool out ASAP then. You are apparently so sure he's desperately shy but really fancies you, so ask him. You have very little to lose according to Reddit.

Yes exactly, and on the next thread if all about men nd they can’t take no for n answer.

pretending men are some socially akward shy species who now no longer ask women out as they are so crippled with anxiety is the most ludicrous thing I’ve read on here.

Orrrrrr, it could also be that I spent most of my twenties fired up by Cosmo magazine into applying my strident feminism and gender equality to dating, and having an absolutely miserable time taking initiatives towards guys that were persistently flirty with me but who weren’t into me enough to actually ask me out.
Before some kind person handed me a copy of The Rules, told me to look past the terrible cheesy vibe of it and give it go. Which I reluctantly did, had my love life dramatically change for the better, started being treated with a lot more respect and appreciation by guys generally, and met my lovely husband. Who I’ve been with very happily indeed for the last 18 years.
Or you could say I’ve kept him hooked 😄 🪝