Does he sound interested, or is he just being friendly?

[ArmyGirl845]

Just tried to post this in Chat, but it keeps disappearing

There’s this guy at my sports group …… I know him vaguely as a friend of a friend, and he’s single. We’ve both been at the same group for a while, and suddenly over the summer he caught my eye, no idea why, but I’ve developed quite a crush.There was no way I could just approach him without looking really obvious, but one evening we ended up in the same crowd having a coffee, and since then we’re on ‘hello’ terms.

So far so good. We’ve since had a very brief conversation about the weather (!) we both arrived in reception just as the heavens opened and exchanged a few words, initiated by me, I said I wish I was back abroad on my holidays, and we had a brief exchange. He was pleasant and friendly and I think I detected a hint of attraction.

So now we’re three months on, each time we see each other he aways says hello, sometimes with a big grin and a glint in his eye (sorry, I sound like a teenager!) and other times, frustratingly, just a normal hello. But even if he’s with other people, he will always acknowledge me. However this has gone no further. There have been a few times when I’ve been on my own and I thought he was going to come over, but he didn’t, and I could have misinterpreted the situation. He’s had numerous opportunities to start a further conversation, but he just says hello. But I get the impression he’s aware of me.

Next time I get chance, I plan to say something quite benign (maybe something about the sport etc) so at least if it goes nowhere, I’ve still got my dignity.
However other than ‘hello’, occasional light comments, I guess there is nothing more I can do, other than being around and making sure I look as good as I can, without looking ridiculous in a sports environment. Any suggestions?? Or does he sound pleasant but not interested?

I think you sound great I think you’re right you’re unsure because you’re back in the dating world after so long and it’s so hard to navigate and feel confident, I don’t mean to overstep but would you ever consider online dating maybe to just get back into the game a bit? I know online dating can be a pain too but it could give you some confidence and maybe just a casual coffee date with someone and having the freedom to say that went well but not for me or you never know you might meet someone nice and think wow what have I been missing out on. I think it’s so nice and special to feel wanted and desired and I truly feel like most men know that and know how to show interest and no doubt whatever happens with this man you’re going to meet someone you really like xx

I do see your point and perhaps I am stuck in fixed traditional gender roles. I just really would feel sad for this lady if the first crush she had after years was the first time she’d made the first move and then was told no thank you and that taint her dating journey or her confidence or worse make her feel like she shouldn’t attend the sport group anymore. I’d be gutted for her even though it’s not the end of the word of course.

But I do sound very negative tbh and maybe my advice is holding people back who knows x

Totally agree with this! Putting dating aside for a moment, if I was initiating pleasant and platonic social conversation with people I didnt know well whom I saw very regularly in a social setting, and they never reciprocated back and never chose to initiate conversation with me, I would assume they wanted to be left alone and I'd back right off.

I would interpret their lack of reciprocation as complete disinterest in talking to me. Conversations and social interactions have to be reciprocal, otherwise its just one person constantly chasing after someone to chat and thats off-putting for both parties!

Any time we make an overture to a new person, whether it's asking someone out on a date or an acquaintance/colleague for coffee, there's the possibility of the other person saying no, they're not interested. No need to be 'gutted'. A rebuff is better then never making the overture in the first place because you're too timid, or fantasising about the relationship/friendship that might have developed had you dared ask.

Just to answer a few comments in latest posts:

I think I’d give it one more go of being quite direct “do you fancy grabbing coffee some time”.

But isn’t this (in a male/female social setting) generally known as ‘I daren’t ask you for a date, so I’m suggesting coffee’? And a ‘no’ for this would probably be just as embarrassing as a ‘no’ for going for a drink.

Putting dating aside for a moment, if I was initiating pleasant and platonic social conversation with people I didnt know well whom I saw very regularly in a social setting, and they never reciprocated back and never chose to initiate conversation with me, I would assume they wanted to be left alone and I'd back right off.

Yeah, this is how I’m starting to feel. Although the catching my eye and saying hello continues, but its not enough. Moving forward - I’m going to have one more brief chat with him, if the opportunity presents, about something quite normal. Two short conversations in the space of three months doesn’t put me in stalker territory.

My gut feeling from what you've described is - he finds you mildly attractive but not enough to move the conversation on to anything longer or deeper.

I agree.

I have a single female friend who's 50 and wants a partner. But she has a strict rule to never make the first move.
Surprisingly she's been single for years now...

So no man has ever asked her out?? Has dating really done a complete 180?? Dates don’t happen unless the woman does the chasing?!

I've been following with interest and just signed up here to comment!

I'm in a very similar situation: local outdoor pool, super attractive man in his 50s, lots of eye contact and some smiles for almost 2 months, lots of me strategizing accidental run-ins, but unlike your case we only see each other with one or both of us being in the water. Having very different swim styles makes it difficult to interact. Last week he sat down on a bench beside the pool while I was in the water. I took the opportunity to speak to him but his reaction was ambiguous. But not to derail your thread...

I too feel torn about being more assertive vs. passive, having the "if a man really is interested, he'll go for it" trope in the back of my head. Especially since both our crushes seem very active, organized and successful.

But this view doesn't take into account neurodivergent or highly introverted processing, or environmental specifics like the sports facility that may become an awkward place after a potential rejection. (Not that it has to, but this may be his thinking.) This may apply even if he seems to be social with other, lower-stakes people.

If I were you, I would make a more direct effort to talk to him. It may just be a light conversation but if the vibe feels good, make your move. Ask if he'd feel liking doing your sport together at location xyz. Or do a different activity together (e.g. hiking). Or coffee. At worst, you'll get closure, but also relief.

But this view doesn't take into account neurodivergent or highly introverted processing, or environmental specifics like the sports facility that may become an awkward place after a potential rejection

But you literally handed him the opportunity! You say

Last week he sat down on a bench beside the pool while I was in the water. I took the opportunity to speak to him but his reaction was ambiguous.

You made an effort to engage with him, you made the first move and his reaction was ambiguous.

He's not interested. It really is that simple.

(sorry to be blunt but the thought of people spending hours thinking about this stuff and wasting their time trying to engineer meetings is a shame, as that time could be spent on people who are genuinely interested in them)

@ladyofroo, for you to assume "He's not interested. It really is that simple." without knowing the details is quite...simplistic?

I'm going to have a more definitive answer a few weeks from now, as I'm planning to make a more direct move by then. Not giving up just yet! :)

You’re absolutely right, it is simplistic.

But dating really is pretty simple, isn’t it? You either like someone enough to want to get to know them better, or you don’t.

I find it pretty unlikely that someone who has supposedly been hankering after you for months would suddenly waste the opportunity to talk to you when it quite literally lands in their lap. That just doesn’t make much sense to me.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman making the first move, but waiting another few weeks (after 2 months of longing glances) just to get a definitive answer makes me wonder how much time has already been wasted on this. Time that could have been spent pursuing someone who was actually interested is all.

I’m thinking, with internet dating being the main way of meeting partners nowadays, people don’t really “ask out” each other. Not so much anyway.

There’s no harm in a Facebook friend request. You might end up chatting on there (it’s a bit easier than face to face perhaps?) and arranging something assuming he’s definitely single.

@ladyofroo I don't find dating and the period preceding it simple; contrary, I consider it very complex. Many factors and variables involved, from psychological, mental (on a conscious, rational level), physical, to environmental. Insecurities, fears, social awkwardness. This is even beyond what I've already listed earlier (neurodivergence, introverted personality). Essentially trying to figure out and approach a stranger with very few clues to go by - on a deeply personal mission with romantic intent. If this is easy operating for you, you have my admiration.

In my case, it's a pool environment, which comes with its own issues. The situation we had was him likely not expecting me to speak to him at that moment when he was semi-asleep in the sun after his swim. I didn't ask him anything, only commented, and he gave me a big smile and a "Hmm" which I wouldn't immediately classify as "not interested", but we'll see. I will act again when the pool closes for the season.

@LivelyAquaPoster

I am not saying navigating the dating world is easy but knowing if you like someone or not and want to engage in conversation, is. That part is pretty simple.

You've listed an awful lot of caveats here about a man you dont even know - eg he might be neurodivergent, shy, awkward etc and you've said his response to you of "hmm" doesnt mean he is not interested.

Equally, it doesnt mean he is interested either- he didnt even speak to you. If someone gave me an Hmm and thats it, I would assume they didnt really want to continue our conversation.

I just think the longer you leave an unanswered question, the more opportunity your imagination has to answer it for you. Once you’ve spent weeks thinking about someone and interpreting all the little interactions, you can become attached not just to the person, but to the possibility you’ve created around them.

That’s why I think finding out sooner rather than later can sometimes be kinder to yourself. If it’s a yes, brilliant. If it’s a no, at least you haven’t spent months building up an entire internal miniseries around a man who may simply have been smiling and saying “Hmm.”

And I’m absolutely not saying you shouldn’t make a move -I actually think you should if you like him. But dont build something up in your head thats going to leave you really disappointed if the answer is eventually no. I speak from experience here lol

@ladyofroo I'm not saying the possibilities I've listed necessarily apply to him. I wanted to put this out there for OP to take into consideration with her crush. Besides the obvious fact that men are not a homogeneous group and can hold back despite being interested for many reasons, just like women can.

I agree with you that this shouldn't drag on for longer than necessary. Seeing someone only briefly a few times per week though means it can take a while to even just figure out for oneself if one is really interested and for attraction to develop.

Yes, my crush may ultimately not be interested but that would not explain the prolonged eye contact and beamy smiles when there's no one else in his view, over the course of weeks.

I'm in a very similar situation: local outdoor pool, super attractive man in his 50s, lots of eye contact and some smiles for almost 2 months, lots of me strategizing accidental run-ins, but unlike your case we only see each other with one or both of us being in the water. Having very different swim styles makes it difficult to interact. Last week he sat down on a bench beside the pool while I was in the water. I took the opportunity to speak to him but his reaction was ambiguous

@LivelyAquaPoster frustrating, isn’t it?

I have just come back from training and John (not his real name) wasn’t there, he is working. I actually enjoyed the session more than I’ve enjoyed one for ages, because I wasn’t permanently scanning the room or doing any strategising or trying to catch his eye. I do find it all exhausting.

So I am going to have one more attempt at brief conversation when I get chance, and then downgrade it all to ‘admiring from a distance,’. As I said earlier in the thread, if nothing else I would be interested in just being friends with him as he seems like an interesting guy.

There could be a dozen reasons why he hasn’t taken things further, but it’s most likely I’m just not his type.

You're only 42, so you're a millennial but its beyond you to say "hey john what're you up to after this, I'm heading to the pub"? Come on!

Some things aren’t just always as black and white as that though. He could also just be incredibly shy, think she was just being polite. He could also be married and just finds her attractive and smiling at her because she caught his eye 🤷‍♀️

OP describes him as sociable though, so clearly he's not chronically shy!

And actually, if he's married, that part is pretty black and white -regardless of whether he finds her attractive!

Thats exactly why I suggested it's best to ask and make a move, rather than wasting time interpreting every glance as romantic intention when it might just be simple friendliness.

Women never want to hear this, but if he was really interested, you would know .

Everything else is just hope over experience.

If you did manage to persuade him into a date/ shag/ relationship whatever, it won't end well. At some point, he is going to find someone he wants to pursue.

Sorry if that sounds mean, but after reading the relationship boards on here for so long, all I want is for women to be with men who are worthy of them.

Unfortunately IME men like this are either looking for an ego boost or are avoidants who will blow hot and cold with you all the time. Classic Cinderfellas waiting for you to do all the chasing whilst they file their nails.

I think you should either bite the bullet, see what happens, or move on.

totally black and white if married yes, completely off limits imho and pretty yuk if he’s making extended eye contact and huge smiles. However, sadly, we know it happens 😔

my ex was very sociable when we met. But incredibly shy at asking me out. Seems like he was fine with people he knew but was different around me 🤷‍♀️ Turns out he was a little too social behind my back though 😵‍💫🫪🙄

totally black and white if married yes, completely off limits imho and pretty yuk if he’s making extended eye contact and huge smiles

I think I mentioned this in my earlier posts - “John” is definitely not married, he has been single for a while

Thank you for clarifying, and my apologies for not reading the whole thread to see this earlier.
in that case, I’d say if you like him, ask him if he fancies a coffee after your workout. The ball is then in his court, if he’s busy after and can’t do it, but interested he’ll ask if you’re free another day. If not you’ve not lost anything but gained clarity on the situation.

just be easy breezy about it. If it’s not really that much of a big deal to you and you’re happy to just carry on smiling at each other and moving nowhere, leave things as they are. You know you better than anyone, and what you want to do is all that matters in the end.

Then only one man I've ever been with has been worthy of me. Everyone else, I initiated with. I'm 48. What does this say about me, and them?

I've had several good long term relationships, my best one being with someone who first rejected me and years later became my partner.

The view you describe is gender discriminatory (sexist).. It's a social construct originating in a time where women were forced to be passive members of society. It puts all the power, burden and responsibility on a man, while adding unnecessary risks and insecurities for the woman (always being in a position of pursuit, regardless of what she wants since she shouldn't act on it). It's like a socially restrictive corset with wider ramifications.

I've had several good long term relationships, my best one being with someone who first rejected me and years later became my partner.

I don't think that's particularly good advice for other women, though. You happened to have a relationship that eventually worked out after he initially rejected you but that doesn't mean other women should disregard a rejection or keep pursuing someone who isn't showing interest.

If someone rejects you, take the rejection at face value and move on. If they later change their mind and come back to you, that's different but its not very common.

Your experience is perfectly valid, but it isn't evidence that persistence after rejection is generally a good idea. There are probably far more situations where someone continuing to pursue a person who isn't reciprocating simply prolongs the disappointment.

@ladyofroo I didn't pursue the person after getting rejected, and neither am I advising other women to do so?

My point was: I've had good LTR with men who I've approached. They didn't approach me. Not sure why you focus on a side point when my comment wasn't about rejection nor subsequent pursuit.