Does he sound interested, or is he just being friendly?

[ArmyGirl845]

Just tried to post this in Chat, but it keeps disappearing

There’s this guy at my sports group …… I know him vaguely as a friend of a friend, and he’s single. We’ve both been at the same group for a while, and suddenly over the summer he caught my eye, no idea why, but I’ve developed quite a crush.There was no way I could just approach him without looking really obvious, but one evening we ended up in the same crowd having a coffee, and since then we’re on ‘hello’ terms.

So far so good. We’ve since had a very brief conversation about the weather (!) we both arrived in reception just as the heavens opened and exchanged a few words, initiated by me, I said I wish I was back abroad on my holidays, and we had a brief exchange. He was pleasant and friendly and I think I detected a hint of attraction.

So now we’re three months on, each time we see each other he aways says hello, sometimes with a big grin and a glint in his eye (sorry, I sound like a teenager!) and other times, frustratingly, just a normal hello. But even if he’s with other people, he will always acknowledge me. However this has gone no further. There have been a few times when I’ve been on my own and I thought he was going to come over, but he didn’t, and I could have misinterpreted the situation. He’s had numerous opportunities to start a further conversation, but he just says hello. But I get the impression he’s aware of me.

Next time I get chance, I plan to say something quite benign (maybe something about the sport etc) so at least if it goes nowhere, I’ve still got my dignity.
However other than ‘hello’, occasional light comments, I guess there is nothing more I can do, other than being around and making sure I look as good as I can, without looking ridiculous in a sports environment. Any suggestions?? Or does he sound pleasant but not interested?

Women never want to hear this, but if he was really interested, you would know

For me, it all boils down to this. There may be examples of success with the woman making the first move, but that’s just not something I am comfortable with

i also think “John” would be confident enough to at least test the water, if he was interested in me

I'd say you've got to get his number. Everything social is arranged via messaging chat nowadays?

Chat about something, then say "hey have you got WhatsApp? ".

Don't over complicate it or try to play games to get his number - people exchange numbers all the time. It's not weird or desperate, other women will be doing it. I was on the night coach and a group of men who'd started chatting swapped numbers!

Option A - He runs away screaming or makes an excuse. You have to move country to use a different gym.

Option B -

Exchange numbers. Don't overplan things or push too hard - if he doesn't immediately jump at the chance of a 1-1 meet or it's not confirmed within a couple of weeks I'd say it's dead.

You don't need to jump through hoops or flirt or find some complicated activity, just say something like "let me know if you want to discuss that at the pub one day? ".

If he's interested he'll bite if not you'll have your answer.

I have to agree with this. There are always exceptions - some people are painfully shy, neurodiverse, suffering from low self-esteem etc - but I have found in general that when men are interested, they make it known soon enough. Not immediately but definitely in a couple months. And if they're serious about pursuing you as relationship material they definitely take any opportunity to talk with you, be near you and actively hang out with you.

Women don't like to hear it but whilst there are nuances and complexities, the underlying foundation is very simple. People attracted to each other actively make opportunities to be near and interact with each other and the men in particular will ask you out or make a move.

There's this old book - He's Just Not That Into You - which deals with this. Sure, there's always an exception to the usual rules but the key is realizing that YOU are likely not the exception so you can not waste your time hoping and wondering and move on to someone who is interested.

Always remember (generally speaking) - if he wanted to, he would.

I understand your point about women initiating, and I agree with it. I just don't see the relevance of mentioning that your best relationship began with someone who initially rejected you.

If the point is simply that women can successfully make the first move, your other examples already demonstrate that. Bringing up a rejection that eventually turned into a relationship feels like a separate point, and I do think it can give people false hope that a rejection might eventually turn into something more.

@PumpkinPieAlibi I completely agree with you

but I have found in general that when men are interested, they make it known soon enough. Not immediately but definitely in a couple months. And if they're serious about pursuing you as relationship material they definitely take any opportunity to talk with you, be near you and actively hang out with you.

Women don't like to hear it but whilst there are nuances and complexities, the underlying foundation is very simple. People attracted to each other actively make opportunities to be near and interact with each other and the men in particular will ask you out or make a move.

@PumpkinPieAlibi I'm curious, what sources are you going by?

Obviously we're much more likely to witness, after the fact, those men who acted on their interest. How would you know how many men just ended up moving on without approaching?

Given that ~54% of men score as introverts based on global Myers-Briggs Type Indicator data, the narrative that men are (supposed to be) uninhibited go-getters if only they want someone bad enough is rather flawed. Add to this the many other potential reasons for holding back.

I'm genuinely surprised when western women still think like this. But it's also been advantageous for ages I suppose.

@LivelyAquaPoster

Myers-Briggs itself doesn't equate Introversion with being too shy to take initiative.

Its own description says that people with an Introversion preference “take initiative when it is important to them.”

It also specifically distinguishes Introversion from being shy or withdrawn. So I don't think MBTI really supports the idea that an introverted man who is interested will necessarily remain passive.

@ladyofroo You're right about the MBTI definition, but you're misapplying it. MBTI says introverts take initiative when it’s important to them, but it doesn’t say they take initiative like extroverts.

To an introvert, 'taking initiative' might mean sending a text or positioning themselves to be approached. It rarely means a cold-approach or a high-risk social gamble ("asking you out").

When you couple introversion with normal human barriers like fear of rejection, respect for boundaries, or social fatigue, the baseline for an introvert taking action is still vastly different than an extrovert's.

The official definition doesn't erase human psychology or survivorship bias.

Trust your instincts lady! I’m so relieved you haven’t been sucked in by the ‘Just ask him out!’ lobby. There are a lot of women out there who are more than willing to feel anxious and low-key unwanted in a relationship. Don’t do it to yourself.

Enjoy the fizzy feelings. You sound lovely! Continue being happy and busy and enjoying your life. If he wants to take it further, he will. And if he doesn’t, you are living a full and meaningful life and being gorgeous and fabulous and the chap who will adore that (and you) will no doubt appear.

Yes I agree that you would know if he was interested. He might not have built up courage to ask you out but would have looked for ways to talk to you or shown you he was interested.

Can we please drop the narrative that a woman
taking romantic initiative guarantees an inferior relationship?

The notion that making the first move dooms a woman to feeling 'low-key unwanted' is such a damaging myth. It reduces men to basic hunters who only value what they 'chased,' completely ignoring how human affection actually grows.

Signaling interest or suggesting a date isn't begging for scraps; it's agency. A relationship’s quality is determined by mutual respect, compatibility, and emotional depth, not by who sent the first text.

Suggesting a woman is 'undervaluing herself' simply for being transparent just keeps people trapped in anxious, passive mind games.

Trust your instincts lady! I’m so relieved you haven’t been sucked in by the ‘Just ask him out!’ lobby. There are a lot of women out there who are more than willing to feel anxious and low-key unwanted in a relationship. Don’t do it to yourself.

Enjoy the fizzy feelings. You sound lovely! Continue being happy and busy and enjoying your life. If he wants to take it further, he will. And if he doesn’t, you are living a full and meaningful life and being gorgeous and fabulous and the chap who will adore that (and you) will no doubt appear.

Thank you @OrdinaryGirl you have captured how I am feeling. I will be enjoying the fizz and leaving the ball in his court.

I’m not convinced I would necessarily feel lower-value in something I initiated, but I would not be comfortable doing that, so it’s academic in my case. But I would like to feel someone prized me enough to make an effort.

Yes, but you’re rather proving my point. Myers-Briggs doesn’t say introverts don’t take initiative — it specifically says they “take initiative when it is important to them.”

So whether that initiative looks like a text, starting a conversation or asking someone out will vary from person to person. But saying “he’s probably interested but too introverted to act” is still an assumption about this particular man, not something MBTI establishes.

Also, and not to blow my own trumpet, I’ve been asked out by plenty of men over the years, and I can assure you they weren’t all extroverts. 😂

In my experience, if a guy likes you he will find a way to be in your proximity and will jump on the chance to talk to you.

If a man is interested in you, you will know 100%. If they don’t directly express interest, they aren’t really interested.

I agree and if they don’t then they aren’t interested

Bless. It says a lot about you that you think that a woman exercising agency over her own romantic life is letting herself in for a life of an anxiety and 'low key unwantedness' in a relationship, none of it good.

You have been watching way too many of those "5 ways to keep him hooked" reels

Gosh some nonsense on here about men not asking women out etc.

if a grown man is interested he will make contact, absolutely. He will go out of his way to talk to you, find out about you.

if he isn’t, then his head isn’t in that space, I’m sorry, it doesn’t mean it couldn’t develop, but it is more likely he’s aware you keep watching him.

but it is more likely he’s aware you keep watching him.

Yeah, I need to be careful about this

@ArmyGirl845 There have been several threads of late where posters have egged on posters to ask men out. Not one ended well!

You have seen the guy. If he does look painfully shy then making the first move would be fine, but otherwise I’d say no. It’s all very well for posters to say there’s nothing wrong with a woman asking out a man, but you value going to this sports club and I think that you sound the kind of person who would have to leave the planet if he turned you down!

My friend liked a man at the tennis club, and thought he liked her. Her cunning plan was to be there at the same times he was, at drinks, coffee etc so they were running into each other very frequently. They are now married! He said he delayed asking her out (for two years…) as he didn’t want to have to leave the club if he got it wrong.

You are too invested. He isn’t interested enough.

I think that you sound the kind of person who would have to leave the planet if he turned you down!

Absolutely …….

I feel I’ve done as much as I can now. Hopefully not many men would be too horrified if an attractive (not trying to blow my own trumpet, but I think I scrub up ok) woman kept looking at them at training sessions. I think my dignity is still intact!

@ArmyGirl845 keep looking fabulous and keep hanging round the cafe/coffee machine. Also… do you know which car is his? How about parking near him and then leave at the same time so you “accidentally” walk along with him?

You do sound lovely OP, but I think you need to protect your enjoyment of this sport above taking any chances making a move.

When men are keen, NOTHING stops them.
It is as simple as that.

He may find you attractive and pleasant but he's not so keen to risk where he enjoys sports.

I know several men like him. Big busy careers, play tennis, golf, sail in their limited free time, an ex in the background.

They have no intention of marrying again and all further interactions will be of the very casual nature for the foreseeable future.
They like their uncomplicated lives and crucially have no need of childcare!!

I have female friends that are the very same.
All late 50', early 60's.
Life is easy, simple and good.

Focus on your glow up.
This will help you to radiate self value and self worth.
These things are very attractive.
Focus on yourself and what you want, on your terms.

Not necessarily.
If he's introverted/shy/a bit socially awkward then he absolutely wouldn't have

But he’s clearly not.