Does he sound interested, or is he just being friendly?

[ArmyGirl845]

Just tried to post this in Chat, but it keeps disappearing

There’s this guy at my sports group …… I know him vaguely as a friend of a friend, and he’s single. We’ve both been at the same group for a while, and suddenly over the summer he caught my eye, no idea why, but I’ve developed quite a crush.There was no way I could just approach him without looking really obvious, but one evening we ended up in the same crowd having a coffee, and since then we’re on ‘hello’ terms.

So far so good. We’ve since had a very brief conversation about the weather (!) we both arrived in reception just as the heavens opened and exchanged a few words, initiated by me, I said I wish I was back abroad on my holidays, and we had a brief exchange. He was pleasant and friendly and I think I detected a hint of attraction.

So now we’re three months on, each time we see each other he aways says hello, sometimes with a big grin and a glint in his eye (sorry, I sound like a teenager!) and other times, frustratingly, just a normal hello. But even if he’s with other people, he will always acknowledge me. However this has gone no further. There have been a few times when I’ve been on my own and I thought he was going to come over, but he didn’t, and I could have misinterpreted the situation. He’s had numerous opportunities to start a further conversation, but he just says hello. But I get the impression he’s aware of me.

Next time I get chance, I plan to say something quite benign (maybe something about the sport etc) so at least if it goes nowhere, I’ve still got my dignity.
However other than ‘hello’, occasional light comments, I guess there is nothing more I can do, other than being around and making sure I look as good as I can, without looking ridiculous in a sports environment. Any suggestions?? Or does he sound pleasant but not interested?

Not in mine - if I'd waited for dh to make the first move I reckon I'd still be waiting (we've been together 30 years).

He may be interested and shy @ArmyGirl845 or he may not be interested at all. I think you probably do have to spend more time getting to know him, even in the group setting of your activity.

Disagree with some posters, in my experience a lot of men that are interested wouldn't chase, plus wouldn't send a first message, men are gutless!! I would make a move, otherwise you could be waiting forever.

I think your strategy at this stage should just be to continue to try to get to know him, seek opportunities for more conversations etc and see what builds, how he responds.

Thank you @MassiveOvaryaction and @Clarabella77 I think you're right, I just need to spend some time getting to know him (although tricky, when its just at the 'hello' stage) without embarrassing either of us. As I said upthread, even if its just friends, that would be nice. And if it does get remotely into friends territory, then I will send a FB request. I'm trying to think how I would interpret a FB request from a man I only say hello to, and my instincts tell me to hang fire on this.

A few positives have come from this though, I've launched an 'upgrade' scheme on myself, diet, exercise, hair, wardrobe etc - if nothing else, I will be a better version of me!

Sometimes crushes come along to wake us up or show us what we might be missing in our lives.

Something might develop with this guy or he might lead you to pursue dating with lots of people!

Well its certainly woken me up to being more fit/healthy and having a better wardrobe .... :)

I also think if he was interested he would have done something about it. Men tend to do that, even shy men.

But if he is interested and hasn’t done anything about it, do you want to be with someone like that even if they are good looking. Someone so painfully share would likely have difficulty with other social situations. Or maybe he just never bothers going for what he wants which will limit him in many ways. Worse he might be one of those people who leaves everything to others to sort out.

I also think if he was interested he would have done something about it. Men tend to do that, even shy men.

Yes, I think you're right

But if he is interested and hasn’t done anything about it, do you want to be with someone like that even if they are good looking. Someone so painfully share would likely have difficulty with other social situations.

He's actually quite social within the sport, although from what I've gleaned his main focuses in life seem to be career (one of those jobs that has a high divorce right) and sports activities. So maybe his lack of interest in me is not such a bad thing ..... ? I haven't felt like this since Howard from Take That :)

Not necessarily.

I wouldn't have when I was dating many many years ago.

It wouldn't have been a fear of rejection or anything like that. I just wouldn't have seen anything OP had said or done as a clear sign that they were interested. I'd have been fine asking out a stranger in a pub or club, but at something like a sports group where there's the risk of making things awkward in the future, I wouldn't have asked a woman out without a sustained clear sign that she was interested.

OP, if you like him, then make it clear you like him. Make a beeline for him when he turns up and start a conversation. Ask him if he's single. Do something that screams "I fancy the pants off you"

It's been months and if he was interested in dating you, he'd ask you out. So no, he's not interested.

Ha. Hell would have likely frozen over before DH made the first move, even though he was smitten before we got together!

You wont know unless you ask - and get out of your head OP that rejection impacts your dignity! I’d feel more dignified having grown up conversations about my feelings than constant second guessing what others were thinking (and probably getting it all wrong!). Maybe find out if he’s single first though..

Do something that screams "I fancy the pants off you"

Which is highly likely to scare the living daylights out of him :) I prefer the more subtle approach!

Do think while he may not make a move he would take the opportunity to be near you/talk if he was interested. Fhat being said there is still time - talk to him , be funny and charming and you never know. If you are feeling it ask him if he fancies grabbing a coffee sometime. You will know rhen by his reaction but I would try to get to know him a bit more first

How long are you prepared to wait? Might he be dating someone else now?

He isn’t interested. If a man really wanted you, you wouldn’t be sitting around dissecting the difference in his hello’s. He’d be racking his brains wondering if he’s good enough for you, and finding any excuse to talk to you. Men move hell and earth for what they truly want. Plus, why would you even want somebody who had every opportunity to talk to you…. but didn’t??? This crush feels so enormous to you because of what he is competing against: low self-esteem and an absence of other romantic possibilities. He is providing the possibility of being desired, so it has given you temporary relief from the emptiness of not sufficiently valuing or enjoying yourself.

I would poke by adding him on facebook or speaking to him more in real life

Use this as an excuse to get super fit and toned by doing so much of this sport and to buy some subtly sexy workout clothes.

Shouldn't you be spending more time with the friend he is a friend of? Ask them if he is single and if you trust them not to gossip you could let them know you think he seems nice (don't go overboard). If they are up for helping you, might they engineer a social get together where you'd have the chance to chat a bit more.

Are there any aspects of the sport where you could genuinly approach him to ask for tips on technique? Are there any socials you could turn up to looking gorgeous in normal clothes?

And please stop thinking you'd be punching. Confidence is the most attractive quality - not brash cockiness, but being genuinely confident in who you are.

I think some men need a sense that the woman is attracted to them before they make a move. If OP is a bit shy and self deprecating and initiates only the most basic polite conversation, he doesn't have much to go on.

i think I may just concentrate on being friendly/chatty because if he isn’t interested in dating, I would actually like to be friends with him (he sounds interesting, details would be too outing). And if that’s the goal, I would probably feel a bit braver, as I regularly chat platonically to other men at the sport.

To the poster who suggested I have low self esteem, I thought that was a bit harsh - I am contemplating dating again at 42, when I haven’t been single since I was 19, I’m simply a bit out of practice.

i haven’t said a word about this to anyone else, i daren't risk any rumours circulating! So it’s been helpful to have this thread.

If you are feeling it ask him if he fancies grabbing a coffee sometime.

Isn’t that quite well known as a pre-cursor to a proper date?

Why bother with someone who isn’t “above your weight!”

You’re preferring no approach.

I suggest that a Coffee is a good idea you buy the first round and if he wants to carry on he gets the next.

So you know he's not married, but are you certain he's not dating or has a partner? Also, what do you mean exactly when you say you'll be punching above? Is he amazingly good looking? Why are you putting yourself down? You've said you've had more attention from other guys at the sport, so you can't be hideous.

Do you catch him looking at you? In my experience they let you know by following you around and trying to talk to you. If he’s shy he’ll still want to stare at you and know where you are.

Yes I have caught him looking at me