I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

Ok - I get that you meant solidarity - but going to the worst possible place and then cracking jokes, is so tone-deaf I can't believe you actually went there.

We have no idea what J was talking about. Could have been literally anything. Speculating that it was dick pics and then laughing at the idea is not helpful to OP.

What a prick. The lying is bad enough but the gaslighting is just as bad and the fact he’s not trying his best to reassure you is very telling.
I think you’ve done the right thing by asking him to stay away for the time being.

I wouldn't go to this extent. He is obviously cheating in some way.
I would not lower myself to making him show me where he is on his phone. That sounds rather pathetic and won't stop him cheating.

Agreed. Doing all that stuff is a bit demeaning.

This is a case of he shows her the messages, that he's deleted and gas lit OP about, or it's over.

Surely not for a private matter such as this one.

To me, it's just not worth the effort. We all know he's already cheated, the only question is to what extent - has he actually had sex with her, kissed her, or has he only been trying to get her into bed.

He's not worth fighting for. He's not worth having.

OP may feel differently, of course.

I think this is the crux of the matter. He could easily prove innocence, if he was innocent. But he isn’t.

Have I read it correctly that you have no shared children? If none shared, then I would divorce him now.

Because from his pov, he just needs time to pass and things to die down so you “sort of forget” it and life moves on. For a guilty person this is by far the best strategy. Admit nothing and it goes away. Awful. And then you have to live forever with the nagging doubt of what really happened.

Teams for work is not private though. None of their messages can actually be considered private. If their employer owns their Teams chat they have absolutely full visibility and access to all the data. I think people often genuinely forget this, there's absolutely no expectation of privacy on a work Teams chat.

However, I wouldn't bother if I was the OP. She already knows he's a liar and a cheat.

I agree. I'm also amazed that some people are suggesting that the husband's employers IT department will restore the messages!! I've heard some things in my time!😀

With all due respect, why would an IT department spend time on dealing with a guy having an affair. It's a private matter, not a work matter. They are busy enough dealing with things that are their job!! Not this.

I was basically just saying that messages could actually be recovered. Surely not that big of a deal.

Point taken, pending removal.

Do you have children together or a blended family?
If blended it would be definitely over completely.
He isn't fighting for the relationship even if you share children.

He’s sent me a message. He’s now saying that the became ‘pally’ a few months ago and she became his confidant. They have discussed personal stuff such as family members who have passed away this year and my gynae surgery. Apparently it’s all innocent and they are just friends.

why would he feel concealing a new found friendship at work with a female colleague who he’s now described as his confidant is acceptable?

Even if that is true he shouldn’t be discussing his wife’s gynae issues with a co worker

I’d be saying to him that the only way you will have peace of mind is to see the messages that he deleted. He can get them from her and clear everything up. Or can he?

Just keep reiterating that you want the whole log of the messages or his marriage is over.

I think you've done brilliantly, the way you've dealt with it. He's not innocent. BUT if he was, he'd be able to provide the evidence.~

Sending you a virtual hug. XX

Maybe he says silly things that would look bad ....you know, stupid work banter to look like he is fitting in yo his work colleagues .... but that it's not actually anything.

He's a liar. You know this because he lied to you already. Get rid, he sounds beta anyway.

How can messages about bereavement and his wife's health issues be 'construed' as flirty and worth deleting the whole thread...

Ffs op I’d be even more livid .
so it’s at least an emotional affair
The trust is gone . What do you want to do ?

I think she is better getting rid too.

So he's now admitting that he hid an emotional affair from you. And he then went into a meltdown at you, the victim of his behaviour, instead of apologising . He then stonewalled you and was quite prepared to go about his day and his business as usual, with no discussion.

This is all, all of it, this is emotional abuse.

You must remember he is a liar, he lied right to your face. You cannot trust a word he says.

He is admitting the least amount he can get away with, in the hope he can still keep his feet under your table.

If you actually want the truth, turn up at their place of work today and politely ask her why she slept with him and why you should not tell her husband. You can still shock her into some sort of honesty.

I couldn't be arsed to be honest, he's not worth fighting for or keeping. But if you feel differently, you could try that.

It's not acceptable, my ExH had a relationship with a woman at work which overstepped boundary after boundary. He lost his job and marriage over it.
He's not respecting you at all here, I'm so sorry.

He doesn’t. He just knows it’s more acceptable than admitting to an affair.