I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

Dodgy as fuck . And he knows he's been busted . Wait to hear all the ott explanations and offer to show you his phone , having deleted everything.

I think his reaction plus the fact he refused to show the messages to reassure you tell you everything.

in a usual situation I wouldn’t let my DH read my teams messages as sometimes the content can be highly confidential and sharing externally could be gross misconduct.

but it sounded more like chit chat with Joanna (and that’s best case!). In that situation I’d make an exception and show DH

Don't most people have to keep work material/messages away from their partner? I'm not talking just medical/education staff, but anyone? If my partner wanted to look at my work emails, I would refuse, and I think I'd get sacked if I shared them, whether it's that X was off sick, or Y has made a mess of this project. Wfh doesn't mean it's ok to see a partner's work things.

Emotional affair at a minimum OP
can you Google his company for a Joanne,

Did you intentionally surprise him because you were already suspicious, either consciously or perhaps even just subconsciously? I ask because I've been telecommuting full time for years, am not having an affair (and wouldn't put anything dodgy on Teams if I were) and I'd be really shocked and annoyed/upset if someone in my household came into my home office without knocking and waiting for me to answer unless it was a genuine emergency. No work call should be randomly interrupted like that; what if he had been speaking with a client or a prospect? That doesn't explain his blushing and the unnecessary lie that he was communicating with a male colleague but may help put things in context if you're second-guessing yourself. Think about what made you suspicious in the first place; there may be major clues there as it sounds like you cannot trust what he tells you, at all.

Could have written the same for my mum & dad (married over 30 years) - she didn’t see it coming & thought they were happy so it was such a shock to her system when she found out entirely by accident. (His reaction was guilty rather than what she stumbled into & then he did eventually admit it).

Take care of yourself Op - it’s a tough blow & likely he’ll gaslight, DARVO & the script will come.

Op as a pp said deleted messages can be restored for a period of time. I think its 24 hours then that restore option disappears and it is as if the message never existed.

I predict he'll have deleted the messages, then he'll have asked her to message again with the same wording you saw but it'll sound totally innocent about a mug or whatever. Then he'll say hes been reflecting and will show you that message when the restore has disappeared.

If he does, take note of the time of the message 👀

Oh sweet summer child, the things people get up to on their work Teams can be pure filth, flirty banter is the least of it. I hasten to add I've worked in teams who have to pull the records for disciplinaries, not speaking from my personal experience of being a workplace deviant.

On a serious note OP, if it was entirely innocent surely he wouldn't have jumped out of his skin and just said 'its Jo from X dept asking about Y.'

There are different categories of data. This was a teams chat and didn’t sound like it was about a confidential matter.

also if that was his reason for refusing to show her the messages he’d surely have said just that! But he didn’t, he just refused. Although i would be ready for this as the excuse now OP now that he’s had time to think up some reasons!

also, if that’s all it is, then why pretend it was a man he was chatting to

Whatever is going on between them, he’s insane to be messaging someone inappropriately on teams in work time.

It’s giving Coldplay couple vibes isn’t it- it’s the reaction rather than the specific act that’s the give away.

OP I’m do sorry you’re going through this, but it seems he’s blown his chance to prove it was innocent, even if banter.

Unless you are generally prone to extreme paranoia and catastrophising, then it sounds like your response to his behaviour is entirely appropriate, given that his behaviour could, at best, be described as 'dodgy as fuck'.

No my DP has seen many a message or email pop up when hes been hanging around and weve been chatting. And paperwork. Its not an issue because Im not 007, hes not really paid much attention, and my work would never find out anyway even if "dont allow your partner to view messages, flirtatious or otherwise" was a policy.

I even talk about my work with him. And colleagues.

Classic response unfortunately OP. I’m glad you have what happened written down here for your own sanity because he will try to make you out to be wrong, untrusting, remembering incorrectly etc. I’m really sorry.

His reaction screams guilty. To what extent you may never know but yes I would say he's cheating and I'd be leaving him.

Yeah, but I think you'd share if your marriage was on the line and your arse was about to get kicked out on the street. Unless of course you're working for MI6 or developing biological warfare or something. And he's hardly likely to run and tell his employer that his wife saw one or two emails because she thought he was a cheating bastard is he!

So sorry OP, this is awful. His reaction as you say is not the reaction of an innocent man. I hope he will at least have the decency to tell you the truth, not matter what it looks like. Being gaslit or lied to is just as bad imo, no respect.

Sending huge hugs over MN.

I mean, he’s pretty bloody stupid to be messaging about anything bordering on an affair on the work Teams. He does realise that’s creating a perfect paper trail for any future investigations by HR? 🙄

I'm not having any kind of affair, but if my partner came into my office space and started quizzing me about who I was messaging on my work Teams account and started asking to go through my work messages and Teams conversations, I'd think he was a controlling weirdo and I'd tell him to fuck off.

Please don't victim blame. Her husbands reaction isn't that of someone with nothing to hide from a nosy partner.

Ive also had the misfortune of seeing messages worthy of an erotic novel between co workers when I was investigating a conduct issue 😩

Th issue here isn’t the messages themselves, it’s his reaction and immediate deletion of them. Who on earth is going to find out his wife has seen them ? Unless of course there’s something incriminating between him and a colleague.

It might not be a physical or emotional affair, but at the very least is some flirting that he's doing.
Having said that, I often blush just because I'm taken by surprise. Is he usually a blusher?

sorry op, not looking good. No one acts this way if they’ve got nothing to hide. He’s doing something wrong that’s for sure and then the classic spinning on you as if you’re the problem. Just know, he knows ur onto him now so he’ll deny and delete all evidence. I can’t imagine he’ll suddenly tell the truth. You can either search for evidence taking months or just go in with the stance of I know what’s happening between you and Joanna

The policymakers won't have chat and banter or flirting between co-workers in mind when the policy was written.

They might have that in mind when they wrote the organisation's Acceptable Use policy though.