I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

Trust your instincts.

I have sent you a pm.back

That what good timing when you walked in on him doing the dirty

I’m sorry op but he deleted them because he is lying.

You know that and he will deny it but had it been a chat with Jim from accounts he would have shown you. He didn’t show you.

He’s a loser. I am sorry you are in this situation.

This - the first person we lie to is ourself.

So many cheats think they are ‘good guys’ either driven to do bad things due to their spouse OR they made a silly mistake (everyone makes mistakes).

There is a lot more to it. The lies, crossing boundaries, deception, lack of consent. Plus the poor personality traits. I’d never date a man who cheated on his wife (I can’t be the only woman who feels that way). Poor quality and far too many out there. So why an unhappy man would cheat and reduce his dating pool I’ll never understand. Well unless they expect never to have got caught. Arrogance and not playing by the rules - more poor traits.

He is as guilty as sin.

@shuggles have you been contacted by a prostitute on line?

I agree this is a sign of, at least, an emotional affair or signalling to this woman he is open to an affair. He could have been honest, especially if he’s not actually acted on it beyond inappropriate comms, and taken the opportunity to explore why he is unhappy enough in his marriage that he responded to her. It could have been an opening to talk and recalibrate your relationship and address any issues. But he lied.

The only time my DH has not let me see messages on his screen has been one one has popped up in his ‘Boys’ group Whatsapp when he receives a meme/joke that he feels is inappropriate for female eyes, so will flick past to one before/after and say ‘don’t click on that one - Bob was sharing a crass meme’… but he would (and has) still show(n) it to me if I pushed it.

It’s not that I think he has actually done anything - but the unwillingness to be honest and to talk and address underlying problems in your marriage (happily married men don’t do what he is obviously doing or lie to their partners), the lack of respect this conveys towards you and your life together, would be relationship ending for me.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, but probably better to realise the marriage is broken now, as early as possible and hopefully before anything physical has actually happened, is probably a good thing in the long run.

All sounds familiar to me. Hidden messages, people you dont even know about. My scumbag was cheating for over a decade all enabled by the power of messaging.

It might be worth sending him a very brief, coolly detached email setting out what you have said in your last two posts.

Highlighting that you not were suddenly demanding to see teams messages. That it’s his extreme reactions plus outright lies and going on the offensive that immediately has lead you to one inescapable conclusion.

In light of his reaction and the context I could almost guarantee those messages were sexual in nature. Whether because they are physically involved or just thinking about it, for me would be neither here nor there.

He will continue to twist and to lie so to have a cool statement of facts would make me feel better.

(Obviously no legal bearing - if you do decide to end the marriage as you know infidelity, unreasonable behaviour etc is no longer relevant).

Good luck op. He’s behaving appallingly.

I think you are right about this OP.

The only reason he would have acted in such an OTT way when you saw the messages pop up if he were innocent is if he was exceptionally protective of his relationship with you and overly concerned not to cause you any doubts about him.

But if that were the case, he wouldn't be refusing to address it now so ... I think it's the other reason sadly.

Im really sorry that this is happening to you, it's more than shit. never doubt your gut reaction on anything, 99% of the time it will be correct

What do you want to do now?

He wont want to make her aware of any issues caused so won’t get her involved in providing a copy of the message trail.

So he cares more about Joanna, than you? I am sorry @CoffeeRevelsfan

I was cheated on with a work colleague that I had never heard of. I was under the impression I knew all his work colleagues.

Unfortunately his reaction tells you everything you need to know. It might be just mild flirting that he know he should be engaging in, it could be more serious.

Depending on the retention policy for the company then an IT administrator might be able to recover the messages

I’ve been there OP. 17 years with a husband who absolutely loved, adored, idolised me, and had done from a very young age. I knew he would never ever cheat/stray, due to background history, absolutely would bet my life on it. And then he did 🤯🤯 I don’t think it was every physical but I can never be certain. I found mildly flirty, suggestive messages, my world fell apart.

Your dh has definitely at least been flirting, which is still unacceptable. To then cover it all up shows there was either more than flirting, or intent. Absolutely vile male behaviour.

You wouldnt want your worst enemy to feel the hurt and devastation that cheating causes so why or how can a person do it to someone they claim to love? I dont understand human behaviour sometimes 😒

I admire you for telling him to stay away for a bit. Sadly, once they have behaved like this it is virtually never worth trying to continue the relationship. Wishing you strength and determination!

i’ve not read all posts so this might have been mentioned already. you can’t delete whole conversations on teams. you can delete messages you’ve sent individually but not anyone’s replies so that convo will still be there.

You could also track down Joanna’s partner on social media and ask if she is away at the moment as you suspect she’s having an affair with your husband. (Though if she isn’t, you will have lit a fire so think carefully about doing that and wait until you have seen other evidence which makes you suspicious).

Though if she isn’t, you may ruin somebody else’s relationship.

Still, I suppose the ends justify the means.

I think the moment to recover Teams messages has passed. OP has to move forward on the basis that she will never know what was said.

@CoffeeRevelsfan You are in the eye of the storm and haven't put a foot wrong so far. You are staying calm and standing strong which is so admirable. If you can wrap your head around the fact that things are going to be hard for a while but you WILL come out the other side, you've got this.

Only you can decide if your H and your marriage is fixable but make no mistake, whether his relationship with J is physical or not, his reaction (to me) proves guilt and intent. Your gut is screaming for a reason and nn my 22 years on MN, I reckon I've seen gut-instinct proved wrong about 5% of the time.

Every time you feel like you are going to fall apart, think about what you would advise a best friend/sister to do and the fantastic example of self-respect you are modelling for your DC (even if they don't understand that yet).

They won't do this for an affair though. Imagine telling them when they ask the reason. It takes a long time and it's a lot of work.

Not that spying is ever advocated but what does he work on at home, work laptop or a PC?

Edited as apparently you cant get back deleted messages. But you can see if they are chatting today. The context is going to eat you up 😢

So sorry OP.
In your place I wouldn't trust that he isn't messing about on some level.
He isn't faithful.
On some level something is going on.