I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

I'd say the fact that he felt the need to conceal it is the problem. If he thought that he needed to hide it then he must have thought that it might hurt or upset you and if he thought that then why on earth would he do that to someone he loves? Your marriage could be salvageable but I'd say you need to seperate in the first instance and both work out if you want to salvage it 😒

That’s what they all say. And they don’t seem to understand that even that isn’t acceptable. Bloody hell, talking to some random bird about your surgery? Just why?? And it’s the old chestnut isn’t it-why is it never Nigel from accounts they strike up these friendships with? It’s so transparent. And so… unimagiantive.

Ugh - he discussed your gynae surgery with another woman at work? FFS. I'd be livid.
He's still lying isn't he. This is pure damage control.

100%

Why tf was he talking to a random woman at work about your gynae surgery?! Than in itself is weird and inappropriate let alone everything else.

Yeah. Boiling frog. If you're not satisfied with this explanation it'll progress to non-physical cheating as that's less bad than physical and then...

I'd be more furious about him discussing personal gynae surgery with her than anything else! So bloody unfair to reveal your private medical information.

I wouldn’t believe him. This is the script - admitting to the least they think they can get away with, but it’s the tip of the iceberg and if you dig deep there’s probably more. What an arsehole.

Is that the best he can come up with given time to think about it?
Highly inappropriate either to do that, or to think it's a reasonable excuse.

This is pissing me off…he has had an emotional affair, all he had to do was be honest and apologise, then you could make the decision for yourself on what you wanted.

Instead he has lied more, hidden, deleted, acted like you were in the wrong for being bothered about this. He has taken your autonomy, all of your choice about what you want to do about this…I actually find this worse than the messages themselves, it makes him seem like scum who would rather lie to your face than take the consequences and do the work. The worst bit is that it might not even be that bad…but he won’t let you work it out and make the decision for yourself, he has taken that choice from you.

If mine tried to take that choice away then there would be no coming back from it. Sending love to you.

Just remembering this from ChumpLady that a poster upthread wrote.

Cynical Chump Lady thinks 9 times out of 10, emotional affairs are what cheaters cop to when you haven’t caught them in a physical affair. Adults like to have seggs. Most men do not invest themselves in another person they’re attracted to unless they want to shag this person. They don’t hold hands and read Kirkegaard together. They don’t go to hotel rooms for Bible study. Nor are they swapping Grumpy Cat memes because they’re buddies — they’re doing the mating dance."
Yep, most people caught in "emotional" affairs very definitely have had sex, but they will only own up to what they really have to own up to. And for those who were caught before they had sex - that was always the plan.

So true. I think we often so want to believe the guff these cheating men tell us, but ChumpLady is spot on. As a PP said, it's never Nigel from accounts that become their newfound confidants.

It's really not acceptable. All he is doing here is trying to save his arse. Unfortunately he's not smart enough to realise that everything he is doing and telling you is the opposite.

Sorry..

If they are such good friends, why hadn't he mentioned her to you? And why say that the messages which popped up were from someone else. Sounds like emotional affair territory, at the minimum.

Given you've asked him to find somewhere else and he's just trickle truthed a tiny bit more, I can see why all trust is lost here.

He told his work "pal" about your gynecological surgery?

I would interpret that as he's used the wife and I don't have sex line on her. He thinks he can bluster through, and he's already trying to backtrack.

Just reply that you have been clear with him as to what you need and drip feeding info by messaging is not acceptable or respecting you. You made it clear to him this morning how you feel and nothing has changed for you.

and on work DMs that are not private at all! People are so naive about thinking DMs are confidential.

Imagine that a colleague gets wind that these two are wasting their time in the day with these chats and someone investigates :-(

Yes, my thought was he'll be saying his wife doesn't have sex with him anymore because of all her gynae issues and rolling his eyes about it. He's not a good man.

If this was all innocent then why did he delete the messages?
He could have shown you messages and explained what he's now making up.
Yes, they could have started off as friends and it appears they are now flirting. Both of them enjoying the attention from each other. I believe his head has been turned and he's overstepping his boundaries.
What you do now is totally up to you. There's more to what he's admitting so you do need to dig a bit deeper.

He's trying to emotionally manipulate you by picking topics that he thinks you would accept him talking to someone else about.

But he's got the emotional intelligence of a house brick, so what he has admitted to is still an absolute betrayal of your trust. He's been discussing your gynae issues with another woman, his 'confidante' - a work colleague!!

It also doesn't fall into the realm of any communication that "could be construed as flirting".

He's still telling lies to you, OP.

The burning question is - what is he trying to protect with his lies?

And, actually, does it really matter?

Whether it's 'just' an emotional affair, or if it's moved on to a physical one, he has betrayed your trust. Do you think you can rebuild that? He's lied straight to your face OP.

I'm not saying LTB.

But, personally, I would find it very difficult to come back from this.

💐

So he has been discussing your vagina with his co-worker?! I would get rid unless he produces the chats. Which he can.

I totally agree with this 100%.
How dare he discuss your private medical issues. He was trying to get some sympathy that he's being neglected.

This 100%

This is an emotional affair. What a vile creep. I’m so sorry.

So he’s lied numerous times and still won’t show you the messages. At this very least this was an emotional affair. I think kick him out and give him time to stew, let him realise he’s lost you. Tell him only once he is completely open and honest can you even think of talking to him. Until he’s ready to do this, leave the house and don’t contact you

The reason he's saying he discussed your private medical issues (and yes he likely did, in between everything else) is because he thinks that gives him plausible deniability.

He thinks you will accept that crumb of truth as the reason why he absolutely flatly panicked and deleted the messages and that way he doesn't have to admit to anything even worse.

This is well studied behaviour, he's not doing anything new at all. It's just part of The Script.

I am so sorry OP. Truly.

I would respond to this by saying.

Thanks for the update. Just realised who Joanna is, I’ve only found out her surname this morning. I’m doing some digging of my own and it’s a very small world!

Is it just Joanna you’ve discussed my gynaecological problems with? Or do I need to be prepared for Gary Jones to approach me in Tesco and ask me about my prolapse?

Feel free to keep up the flirting with her but please refrain from discussing my genitalia with your bit on the side.

I would really put the wind up him.