I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

Yes he's messaged her and knows you have rumbled it. Why would he delete the whole conversation. He would have kept it to prove there was nothing going on. And unlike another poster who would have divorced her partner for going through her laptop or phone, I absolutely wouldn't mind my partner doing that if he hasn't reason to be worried. Seems pretty logical normal thing to want to see if you suspect an affair.

I agree with that OP must keep in mind that he has tipped her off.
I think she must also keep in mind that he kept this woman secret from her for a reason. That he discussed OP's very intimate and private details of her gynecological problems with this woman. That he reacted in an extremely guilty way and deleted their conversation. That he was not truthful to OP. And admitted he was flirting with this woman. That is quite a damming catalogue of suspect behaviour. And points to an intimate closeness between her H and this woman.
Of course OP must make up her own mind. But I hope she will remember the underhand and shady behaviour her H has been indulging in.

OP, I'm sorry that so many people are saying that she had been tipped off. I personally accept your point that this development happened spontaneously - he didn't know you were going to be looking at his Teams with him that eve, and he didn't have any idea that you were going to suddenly message her pretending to be him.

So he might well have 'tipped her off' generally that you are unhappy about things regarding him and her, but there was nothing to 'tip off' about you pretending to be him on Teams.

So she would have thought it was him messaging. So I actually think that the fact that there was no flirty response from her is positive and points to things not being so bad.

Regarding his odd initial reaction when you walked in on him... I mentioned earlier in the thread that I sometimes blush when caught by surprised, even when there is absolutely nothing to blush about (like someone I know bumping into me in the supermarket)! He probably had been a bit flirty with her and may have let it go further in his head, but that might be all. Although the gyno thing was weird and not on.

I would still be keeping an eye out on your DH though, to be vigilant.

It is always interesting to see how different we all are, and how differently we react to the same situation. However, we should keep in mind that for all of us except the OP this is a hypothetical situation. We can not know what we would think or how we would react if this was our partner, not for sure.

OP I find that our instincts are bang on 100% of time, but unfortunately, we often tend to ignore them. If you felt a weird vibe from him, he was up to no good, for sure. However, I do not think you have enough evidence to act on it right now.

I would keep an eye on this one, but honestly, if this was my husband, I would find it really hard to go back to normal after this incident.

Exactly. He's explained the situation and she's in recovery mode to make her her DH doesn't find out.

I understand you want to believe him. But what you want and the reality of the situation aren't the same very very sadly.

My DH is a flirt. I. Do. Not. Care. He flirts with my friends and with his female friends and gay male friends and with the woman in the garage and co-op down the road. It's totally innocent and I genuinely don't care. But a special friendship with a specific woman involving messaging all day that I wasn't allowed to see and guilty looks and 'being a confidant' and discussing my private health issues as far as they relate to our sex life? Can't you see that's a whole different proposition?

Its equally possible that he's told her what happened and that you want to look at his messages and shes got to be very careful not to say anything because you might see it.

yes. He could. He won’t.

I agree that he has primed this woman. Op, you are not an idiot. You’ve been together a long time, you know him well and his reaction yesterday was so far off what is normal in YOUR experience of him, that all your alarm bells rang.
Don’t ignore that or be gaslit into thinking you are “paranoid”. You aren’t. You’ve already stated you previously had no issues, no reason not to trust him. This is not you.
And as for the pp saying they’d leave if their DH behaved like you did? I don’t know what kind of marriage they have but if my DH (who had previously and long term shown complete trust in me) was concerned about how I’d reacted? The very LAST thing I would be doing was deleting messages. Because I never have anything I need to delete. And if he was worried enough, after 15 years of trust, to ask to look? I’d willingly show him. I have nothing to hide.

OP.... Flirting happens. I mean, his reaction does sound very shifty, but people flirt and then get caught flirting more than they mean to, and it all becomes a bit difficult to know who's lying, who's being gullible, who's genuinely gutted that they've been caught despite there not being anything savage going on - and all sorts of things in between.

When this happened to me (we weren't married), my bottom line was: tell me everything, don't filter, because the worst is already now in my mind. Give me the honest truth, and trust me... and trust "us" to talk it all through before we decide together whether we're happy, pretending to be happy, or just semi- happy and need to inject some fun back into our life as a couple. Or whether things are no longer viable, from one or both of your perspectives. Then whether either or both of you want to try and salvage and build trust again. Or whether he genuinely has been masking, has lost his feelings for you and therefore you decide what you want to do from there. Take your time and don't let him push you. Be calm, stay really, really calm and focussed when you talk to him. You've got this. There is a spectrum of possibility going on here. The best way is for you both to trust each other and have an honest conversation, or as many honest conversations as you need.

I’m voting that she’s been tipped off otherwise why the change of heart in allowing Teams access?!!

Hi op only you can decide what you want to do now. but if he’s talking to her on personal matters there might be an emotional affair. He lied to you that’s the main issue here. Imagine you doing this with John and talking about your dh having a vasectomy then deleting the conversation I’m sure your dh would definitely suspect something is going on. How emotionally attached is he to her. Do they talk outside of work, go for coffee etc things to look at. Even if she’s married doesn’t mean she’s happy. Op he might have given her a heads up he got caught chatting to her so she’s played it on the woman’s side but unfortunately not all women have each other’s backs.

Well I mean yeah I’m probably a flirt too but if you’re deleting stuff online so your partner doesn’t see it then you’ve obviously taken it too far. Either that or you know you’ve got some sort of feelings that aren’t ok.

Some people are harmless flirts but…don’t shit where you eat, it’s prime territory for affairs.

Really? There is nothing in OPs posts that have suggested she restricts him from having female friends, his reaction is very unusual, weird and suspicious. He literally deleted the chat history 😂 and you're here defending him. If he is so scared to have a female friend he should divorce and walk away from his apparently abusive wife .

And frankly nothing from that chat fills me with confidence, after lying and lying, claiming he was chatting with Neil before finally admitting it was a woman, refusing to show the chat, deleting the chat yet you don't think he's told his "friend" what's going on? 😂

Of course he should be able to have friends but OP is right he claims he has been friends with this woman at work yet he has never ever mentioned her to his wife not even once is suspicious, his reaction looking all guilty and flushed is suspicious, his lying that he was chatting with Neil a man when he was chatting with a woman is suspicious, his refusing to show her the chat when she called him out on his lies is suspicious, going ahead and deleting the chat then showing her Teams after he knew fully well that he had deleted the chat is freaking suspicious as hell. But hey according to you he's innocent and just friends 😂

Yes there could have been. He could have said my wife might come online pretending to be me so say nothing flirty.

Honestly. One minute he's flirting his arse off the next he's all forgiven and nothing is going on. Ridiculous

The fact that she sat on teams pretending to be him while he's sat next to her is odd. She should have told him to stay away. 24 hours later he's back in the house and she's falling for his crappy bullshit.

This thread is starting to get tedious. Either grow a pair and ask him to be completely honest about their relationship or just take him back and believe the shite he's been feeding you.

Its the fact that he hid this friendship thats the biggest red flag. My brother has a female friend and he has never hidden her from any partner. Because that's what people do when they are honest and up front. They have nothing to hide. They tell their partner that they have friends of the opposite sex

My ex boyfriend was shagging someone behind my back for three months and he took someone else out on a "date". I wouldn't have given a shiny shit if he had a female friend but they weren't friends and he hid them from me

If he had nothing to hide you would have known about this woman !

There is nothing wrong with men and women being pals. The issue is the secrecy

Hes a liar and completely untrustworthy. That's the issue.

And I bet he wasn't talking about your "gynae" issues. More bullshit from bullshit Bob. Confidant. Utter horse shit. What reason would he have to talk about your issues. What's that got to do with her. The square root of fuck all.

They've been flirting their arse off for months on and offline and now he's panicking

you deserve the truth and I hope he tells you it

Even if nothing is happening, which I doubt, given his over the top reaction, he certainly wants something to happen. I think that's the issue. He wouldn't act like that otherwise.

he could lose his job for allowing you access to his teams work account/IT system even if he was there while you did it

Tedious? It’s someone’s life. She doesn’t owe us drama or entertainment.
It’s not a piece of piss to throw in a marriage over one weird and suspect reaction. I think the man is dodgy AF and with the benefit of my own experience I wouldn’t be having it, but if it’s the first time, in real life, it’s probably not a marriage destroyer at this point. A wake up call hopefully for him as well as OP maybe. And let’s hope it works out for her, rather than clamouring for drama.

Because he's whinged to a woman who he fancies that his wife's been off sex because of gynaecological issues.

It seems possible that this woman has not taken the bait, but what questions does it raise about the future, and the past ...

Exactly. Enough to know he's a cheat at heart and willing to do that to OP - even if he hasn't . He's engaged in some behaviour that he knows will wreck his marriage.
Horrible situation.

I'm not looking for drama and entertainment. Far from it.