I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

The sad thing about these scenarios is it’s the faithful one who pays in pain. There’s OP understandably not sleeping and impacted yet presumably he had a great nights rest and away to work quite the thing. Not right or fair and just sorry this is happening OP. Must be really devastating and not knowing the truth makes it worse.

I have sent you a pm hun

It sounds like he’s expecting you to still trust him with absolutely no recognition that he has broken your trust.
Is he usually this blinkered or is this a new thing?

Ye def sounds something happened. If innocent he wouldn’t bave deleted messsges

I take it your son isn’t his if 16

only you can decide if this is something you can live with

and talk about it /forgive forget

or split up

Yes, of course it speaks volumes. There is not the tiniest chance he would have deleted anything if it had proven him innocent. No chance at all.

Do not let him pretend he did it in a fit of pique at not being trusted. This is what is known as a lie. He is going to try to make you to blame for his abuse. You do not have to take a single molecule of blame for his choice to abuse you through cheating on you.

He panicked and quickly deleted the evidence. He actually decided it was better to delete the evidence right in front of you than let you see it.

You know he was cheating from the way he reacted when you came home unexpectedly, and from the fact that he instantly lied about it being a man he was talking to.

He was cheating. The level of it is the only question, has he actually managed to sleep with her yet? And, really, that doesn't matter, since it was clearly his intent.

Innocent people never act like your husband is acting. His stonewalling you is a form of abuse too. He is now your abuser.

Again, I am very very sorry and I am not trying to be unkind to you. I just know, from my own experience in the past, how much you will want, how deeply you will want to minimise this and how painful this will be for you, and how confusing.

The very person you would normally turn to with your problems and ask for support is your tormentor. You will keep wanting to talk to him about it and have him reassure you. You need to remind yourself that he is not your friend, and that he has already proven to you he is an outright liar.

The mental abuse of cheating changes you forever, unfortunately.

Your choice now is this - will you stay with your cheating husband, and try to tolerate the reality that he cheated on you and try to find a way to live with that?

Or will you make him leave? That's your flat choice. I'm sorry.

I wouldn’t immediately assume he’s sleeping with her but the messages are probably very flirty at least.

He may have deleted on his side but it will still be on her phone / laptop. He can ask her to provide him a print out if he wanted to prove it’s innocent?

If he really wanted to gain your trust back he could ask Joanna to let him have them.

No, I have 2 children and he one.

He could, but he won’t. He back tracked last night saying he didn’t say the messages were flirty, he said they could be construed as flirty and apparently has no idea why he responded the way he did and panicked so deleted them. He wont want to make her aware of any issues caused so won’t get her involved in providing a copy of the message trail.

everything about this situation is screaming to me. Shitting yourself when a message pops up on screen is not normal, rational behaviour. Lying about it being a male colleague when it’s actually a female then shitting yourself again when another message popped up from her is not normal, rational behaviour. Being absolutely pig headedly adamant that you won’t bring the messages up on screen and put it all to bed (and have me apologise for any doubt) is not normal rational behaviour. Deleting the messages because you panicked is not normal, rational behaviour. 😞

Well done op on telling him to leave, my friends DH had a long affair. He met OW at a work meeting of all regional managers, it was mostly conducted online as huge geographical distance between them. He gaslit my friend and their teenage children for a year and it was really this that totally unbalanced her, he made her unwell. They re divorced now and she is doing really well.

Don’t be baffled by the pretending not to have happened. I had my the OW’s husband calling me to tell me about the affair. The next morning, my now ex husband thankfully woke up and carried on as normal and refused to even talk about it. Laughable now but at the time it was abusive in so many ways.

Also OP, get any paperwork re finances while he's out. His behaviour in response to the messages will tell you he's sneaky and underhanded and not just about Joanna!

So sorry you are going through this but your last post is exactly right. He had the chance to show you how insignificant the messages were and didnt so that says it all, and even if they were in anyway insignificant, him deleting them means they might as well have been 'thanks for last night it was amazing' 😒 I remember after finding out about my ex's affair I read a post that said something like 'Once a vase has been broken, no matter how carefully you piece it back together, the cracks will always be there' Stay strong and hold your head high 🥰

He knows all this. All of it, but after discovery, people get trapped in cognitive dissonance.
In order to betray someone they claim to love, they have to lie to themselves. They do not say “I am a shit head who is betraying my wife” because they is not who they want to think they are. They want, desperately, to believe that they are a good person, despite the fact that their own actions very clearly show otherwise. So, they blame shift and lie to themselves. “My wife doesn’t understand me/she isn’t paying me enough attention/she neglects me/what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her/it’s only flirting/it’s only kissing” etc etc.

When he got caught, and he saw your devastation, that starts to challenge the lies he has told himself and he gets a glimpse of who he really is. A liar and a cheat. That creates the emotions he has so desperately been trying to avoid, primarily shame and guilt.

So now, he can go one of two ways. He can either face who he is and what he’s done. Or he can double down on the lies he’s been telling himself. Most cheaters choose the later because the former requires resilience, self awareness and emotional intelligence. If they possessed those qualities, they wouldn’t have done it in the first place.

That is my understanding of it anyway. And op, it is not your job to figure him out. ALL you need to do now is protect yourself. Treat yourself as someone which has suffered a significant injury. Asking him to leave is a good start. Do you have one trusted friend you can tell? Try to eat something, little and often if you can’t face food and make sure you drink. Avoid alcohol. Get outside for a walk, even for 10 minutes. I know your mind is going at a thousand miles and hour but try to create moments of calm. And focus on this fact that his behaviour (whatever it is, we don’t really know yet) is no reflection of you, at all. Good luck xx

If the situation was the other way round I would be bending over backwards to show him it was innocent, and then I’d be really pissed off at being doubted and I would demand an apology. But I wouldn’t react so blatantly nervous and guilty when an innocent message pops up with just general office chatty stuff, and I certainly wouldn’t gaslight him and tell him I reacted that way as I new how he’d react!

‘Well that’s pretty clear. You’d rather toss away your marriage than have an awkward question for a colleague. So either I’m not important enough to you to be worth staying married with you, or you’re having an affair and we are done. The only other option was getting the messages as your proof, but you’ve chosen to toss us away instead. We can work out the details once you are back from your work trip, you won’t be coming back here. You’ve made your choice.’

I’m sorry this has happened. I’m sure she is aware you know

if she is married herself she may be worrying her relationship will be found out

What caused the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his eldest DC?

Was there any cheating there?

No, she left him. They both got together on the rebound, ended up pregnant but ultimately weren’t compatible in the end.

I have replied to the pm

This is the right choice x

He back tracked last night saying he didn’t say the messages were flirty, he said they could be construed as flirty

I'm not sure that's backtracking because in your first post about it you said "construed as" so he must have said that when he first told you.
I think the messages were jokey banter. Probably not sexual but also inappropriate for a married man.

The "woe is me" routine is just DARVO without aggression.

I got an ex to admit to cheating once by hiding my anger & hurt and approaching it very reasonably, and letting him do most of the talking. He was quickly caught in lies and contradictions, by keeping my attitude calm and "reasonable" I diffused his defensiveness.

Of course, once he'd admitted it I let him know exactly what I thought.

I don't know how you take this and move forward, op, nothing about this situation says innocent does it?

I think in your situation I'd tell him matter of factly to drop the injured routine, keep my response no nonsense/not taking any crap. Tell him that nothing about his reaction says this was innocent and that you're not buying his explanations.

Pose questions but let him do most of the talking, tell him that he can't wish this away but honesty may mean you can find a way forward.

And don't assume, if he does talk, that he's telling you everything. He'll share as little as he can get away with, so you need to create an environment where he feels comfortable sharing - so don't explode (yet).

If it's over for you,then get your ducks in a row before you tell him and be prepared from him to get nasty.

It's the nerves and the guilt that give him away, isn't it? If they aren't having an affair then he wanted to, simple as that.

Check the offshore trip @CoffeeRevelsfan. Phone him at some point and ask him to flip immediately to video call and show you where he is or to turn his location on so you can see it. On the last day ask him to keep his hotel bill and show it to you and check how many breakfasts were charged or their room occupancy. Ask him to show you his bank statements and to do a credit check so you can see if there are credit cards or bank accounts you don’t know about. If this is genuinely a company trip he should be expensing and reclaiming all his expenses. Check if he does. You could also track down Joanna’s partner on social media and ask if she is away at the moment as you suspect she’s having an affair with your husband. (Though if she isn’t, you will have lit a fire so think carefully about doing that and wait until you have seen other evidence which makes you suspicious).

it’s also worth a sexual health check. Just to be on the safe side.