You should also have a read through Chump Lady dot com - she rips all the usual excuse making apart and discusses adultery for what it actually is - abuse.
Her tag line is Lose a cheater, gain a life. From one of her recent pieces
https: // chumplady dot com/couldnt-forgive-mistake/
"You could initiate a divorce because he’s a blameshifting jerk. That’s completely acceptable...you’re in a difficult position many other chumps have found themselves in — feeling chumped, but without enough evidence to feel justified in divorce.
Now, we can attack this problem two ways. The first would be to focus on getting the evidence you need to come to some sort of burden-of-proof tipping point. To do that, you go into marriage police overdrive — invest in all the snoop technology, or just hire a private detective. Chances are that “nagging feeling” will result in some sickening evidence.
The other way to attack this problem is to realize that you have enough evidence already to Trust That He Sucks. Put the focus back on yourself and off What He Might Be Doing for a moment — is this relationship acceptable to YOU? Do you feel respected? Cherished? Loved? Do you trust this man?...
And people who shift blame have sht to feel defensive about. The authentically remorseful, on the other hand, own their sht. “I betrayed you, and you have every right to feel flinchy. What can I do to make you feel safe?” That would be a sht-owning statement. “Why aren’t you over this?! Quit punishing me!” would not be a sht-owning sentiment.
So cheating or not cheating, you’ve got a husband who appears to be unaware of how damaging his emotional affair was, how it hurt you, and destroyed your trust in him. Very best case scenario, you have a willfully clueless husband who doesn’t care about your feelings.
Can you work with that? From where I sit, I don’t think so, because you’ve given me no indication that he’s helping you heal or owning his sh*t.
So what’s my “theory” about emotional affairs? I think they are destabilizing to a marriage and disrespectful.
Even if affairs stop at “just” emotional, they can be a form of abuse.
To keep you off-balance, to goad you into pick me dancing, and to endanger your sense of person safety. Do that long enough, it erodes your self-esteem, and he feels he can control you. All forms of abusive entitlement, IMO.
Cynical Chump Lady thinks 9 times out of 10, emotional affairs are what cheaters cop to when you haven’t caught them in a physical affair. Adults like to have seggs. Most men do not invest themselves in another person they’re attracted to unless they want to shag this person. They don’t hold hands and read Kirkegaard together. They don’t go to hotel rooms for Bible study. Nor are they swapping Grumpy Cat memes because they’re buddies — they’re doing the mating dance."
Yep, most people caught in "emotional" affairs very definitely have had sex, but they will only own up to what they really have to own up to. And for those who were caught before they had sex - that was always the plan.