DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

Yep exactly that - a mirage. I feel so lost.
I was hoping with him staying away last night maybe he’d send me a long loving text saying how he doesn’t want to lose us or even just a zip file with all the statements in - but nothing. It’s got to be today that he sends them to me , it’s gone on too long.

I’ve told a couple of friends and my sister . Even though he said he didn’t want me sharing ‘his business’ with anyone. I’ve also spoken with my MH team as I feel so unwell.

It's not his business though is it? It's yours too. He's made your life unbearable and putting you through unbelievable distress and stress where he could just log into his account and shown you where the 25k was spent. If he cared about your wellbeing at all. He doesn't. Not sure how you can ever forgive that. let alone anything else

Oh I’m sure he doesn’t want you telling anyone
sure everyone who royally fucks up just wants it to go away and for no one to find out
well fuck that and fuck him

I was a landlord for many years. I ran credit checks on many tenants over the years. You’d be surprised at how the credit check score can remain good, even when it’s a shit show. For example, the last tenant, they did a flit in the night. Their credit score 18 months before when I agreed to the tenancy with them, was good. No CCJs either. When they left the house I was inundated with letters from debt collectors, unpaid bills for them. They didn’t pay a single utility bill in the whole time they lived there. They changed phone contracts constantly. They racked up thousands in unpaid phone bills, store cards. They changed cars constantly. From just the Ietters that came I calculated a minimum of them owing £40,000. This sort of life is the way some live. When I dug a little more into their history, they’d made a career out of it. Credit score good. They know how to beat the system.

I would also check that it was actually his credit score you saw and whether it was his most recent one?

It’s good you told your sister and some friends.

I found the hardest period was when I was in distress and not sure how to proceed. Once deliberations in my head were over and i knew i was going to divorce, it got mentally somewhat easier because i had something to focus on and work towards instead of going round and round in circles in my head.

Everything he says, all the things he does and doesnt do (like showing you the damn statements) is information. So far we’ve seen gaslighting, deflecting, running away. A point will come where there will be enough of this info to act on. He can’t keep deflecting, if he keeps doing that, it’s a clear sign he’s guilty of worse than wasting £25k. Guilty until proven innocent in this case in my opinion.

Sadly I think if you are spending a bit more than you earn each month, debt can build up very quickly. It doesn't make him a bad person and its probably been really hard for him trying to manage your family finances like this for a long time. I think you need transparency now and a plan to pay it off. The good news is it sounds like it is manageable and and he still has a good credit score.

I think your DH doesn't realise it's not just the debt it's how he's handled it both before (not telling you) and now, being cagey about showing you, not showing you.

Personally, I don't think I could stay with someone who demonstrated this level of continued deceit and manipulation.

One really strong piece of advice: given how incredibly reluctant he has been to show you the statements, I would not accept a pile of printed statements as sufficient proof of where the money has gone.
Documents can be edited, transactions can be removed, screenshots can be selective etc. If transparency is now a condition of you even considering continuing the marriage, I think you need to actually sit next to him while he logs into the relevant banking/credit card accounts and look through the transaction histories together. Not statements he has downloaded and prepared beforehand.

@Headspangle My advice too, only accept the statements when he logs in in front of you. DP once worked in fraud and it's so easy to edit statements. You can print to PDF as well so he wouldn't even need to print paper. He could send you a zip file of edited documents. I imagine he's probably working out how to do it. It suits him not to be at home now because then he doesn't need to have a reason why he won't simply log in to his accounts.

This is the biggest thing thsts getting to me now. I rang him this morning and asked if he can please send them today and he said he is really busy at work (Which is true) but he will TRY later ??
meanwhile just got back from collecting some vinted oarcels that took me about 6 months to save up for . Just some £5 T-shirts etc. I burst into tears when I opened them. What different worlds we’ve been living in.

I am so sorry, OP, my heart goes out to you.

When I say saved up - I sold so many things to try and make a few pennies. Same as selling stuff on Facebook which I put in a jar so the kids could have some spending money when we went away 😢. Feel like such a mug

I’m sorry OP, I think you have different financial attitudes and values. It’s incredibly draining and unfair when only one spouse is acting responsibly. I agree with others that you shouldn’t accept any printed copies and digital ones can be edited. I would sit with him when he downloads them and question if he withdrew loads of cash. I think Esther Perel calls it financial infidelity and I think it 100% sums it up.

He may say he ‘isn’t able’. For that, I read he ‘won’t’. He is refusing!
He dissembles, saying he ‘doesn’t remember’. How very convenient.
He could just give you access to all (not just those he chooses) and the dates would miraculously become clear. But no, he is still avoiding this very large herd of elephants in the room.

I’m so sorry that you feel that unwell @Headspangle. I’m really not surprised though, you’ve had a hell of a shock. I hope that your MH Team are able to support you

Thank you @ExplodingSmittens todsy has been really tough . My friend had to come round to help me make the kids dinner etc as I’ve been a wreck. I had to ask him to come back to help with the kids as I’m not coping. When he came in I was crying and he went to hug me but I snapped at him that he is psychologically torturing me (Not a good thing to say I know) and it then just turned into an argument. I said vant you see how distressed I am , and he said I shouldn’t say such things to him and how can I ask him to show he cares for me if I accuse him of being abusive. Feels like a living nightmare.

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so much @Headspangle

Why is it not a good thing to say? It is true. Stop beating yourself up for the choice of words, they are mild given the situation.

Remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong.

And yet again he is making you cave in and doubt yourself, ‘you shouldn’t say these things to me’ my arse. He is not showing you care and you are right to expect that from him, he is your partner!

Twisted fucker.

Oh @Headspangle I’m so so sorry. So much of this resonates with me.

I understand why others are saying he has something specific to hide, and he may indeed.

However, with every update he is sounding more & more like my ex, at least regarding money. He had some kind of money blindness - he couldn’t accept the idea of limits or budgets, and just wanted what he wanted. I also spent so many hours crying and desperately trying to understand his spending.

I’m wary of going all ‘LTB’ but I can’t see any way that this man won’t cause you more unhappiness and pain. Can you talk to family, go the friend who is helping out?

You asked those of us who left if it worked out. I’ll be honest, not great. My financial situation is very tough, despite having a good job as he has been a nightmare in terms of paying what he owes & I’ve no help. My DC are good overall, but are now teens (1 DD & 2 DS, my boys are hard work as teens). BUT as bad as things can be, I know 💯 it’s better than if he was still here. He would have destroyed me. Things might not be ideal for my DC but it would be so much worse if he was here.

💯 agree.

he is trying to find any way to put blame on you, so he’s not the bad person any more.

One of the tricks of the trade.

Good advice.

I’ve seen some of the statements goijg can to beginning of 2025. I can see that despite having a fairly decent wage it probably wouldn’t have been quite enough or would’ve been tight every month. But even saying that, a £500 overdraft I’m sure would’ve covered that easily. There are huge amounts of money - loans of £8000 and even £12,000 within same month . Other loans on other loans from credit cards of £2000 etc but I can’t see any clear reason why he was taking them out. There are a few small bets of £5 but no more than £20 in one month. Some stocks and shares I didn’t knkw aboit but again not massive amounts paid out and he even makes some money back. I haven’t seen the other credit card bills yet . It’s still not making sense

Unfortunately I think you need to up your hours or look for a better paid job too. Particularly since you are unmarried and finances are not combined. Whilst the debt is not shared, you need to invest in yourself and your pension, so be earning as well as you can.

I have a decent job but work part time because of childcare cost and the kids being so little. Increasing my hours would just mean increased child care costs

OP I am sorry.

He could just log into his accounts and let you look.

He is delaying and avoiding and he can see what effect this is having on you, but still doesnt come clean.

I do suspect gambling.

This is what's puzzling. You know pretty well what his take-home is, and yours. You manage the joint account and bills. So you can see, surely, where there have been shortfalls?

Basically, if the sum of all outgoings for the last four years comes to £25k more than the total of both your wages over the same time, then he's telling the truth. If it doesn't ... he isn't.

I can hear your distress, OP, as you witness the future you'd planned crumbling down in front of you Please do gather your supporters round you and use your 'working brain' to take control of your situation instead of hoping he'll have a sudden responsibility attack.

Perhaps he will, yet. But this is YOUR life and you can't keep hanging it on his goodwill.

It could easily be frittering. A few pints after work, coffees and sandwiches, new trainers every so often, haircuts or tattoos, smoking ... they do add up (ask me how I know). His crimes are concealing it, especially during talks about moving house or buying a car, and now bullshitting & obfuscating the facts.