Have I been naive to think love can be unconditional?

[Alupalu2020]

This might seem like a silly observation, but I feel like I’ve only just realised that ALL love is conditional.

i feel like I got married quite early on, and was very much in a ‘I’ll love you forever no matter what’ phase, and I genuinely thought that this feeling would be like this forever & nothing could make me change my mind and that he would also feel the same about me.

over the years I’ve noticed how differently he began to treat me, two kids, lots of stress, redundancies, job losses, new job struggles & weight/body changes - these have all played a part in big changes in our relationship - however I genuinely thought that no-matter what, he would always love me regardless.

was I just disillusioned? Is it stupid to think that someone can love you unconditionally?

Unconditional love is for Mum’s and babies , parents and children not for lovers.

It’s a problem when we get mixed up and think a partner can provide that - it’s like wanting to stay a child.
Very common though as most of us don’t get unconditional from parents so we go searching for it.

A lot of words but no real point.

So I will ask you straight @Hiddenmnetter - do you love anyone? Not necessarily unconditionally, just bog standard love

Yes of course, my spouse, my children. Sometimes my parents, generally my siblings. My in-laws. There’s a pretty long list of people I love, in both the ordinary sense that most people mean, and the more specific sense of people for whom I will the good, and people for whom I will the good at my own expense (although these are narrowing groups).

and the more specific sense of people for whom I will the good, and people for whom I will the good at my own expense (although these are narrowing groups).

Meaningless froth

I mean, limited, surely. I wouldn’t be foolish enough to say I love any of them without condition. None of us I think is able to withstand unlimited pain, and unfortunately loving someone hands them a fairly unique toolkit with which to cause you pain.

i don’t think my love is meaningless though, that’s too harsh.

Your views on love are…. All over the place but i really can’t be arsed to engage

I mean I thought I was being consistent but no problem.

Consistently all over the place

It sounds like he has perhaps treated you worse the longer the relationship has gone on and also based on whether you have gained weight? I experienced the same. The thing that helped was calling it out and to a degree accepting that I didn't love him unconditionally either. If you have alot of resentment I think it's best to get it out in the open. Sometimes men just really take their wives for granted.

I don't think there is unconditional love for partners. We all have our limits

This. My husband used to trot out the "you don't love me unconditionally!" line every time I pulled him up for behaviour. Strangely it didn't work both ways It was just a get out of jail card. I have told my dc they should never love a romantic partner unconditionally.

Ex husband hopefully

The only unconditional love Ive had is from my csts.
Ive always loved unconditionally which got me walked all over. Ive had to harden up considerably.

Exactly, often used to control women when they have done something damaging to the relationship " but you said you LOVED me!" as if that means you have to forgive everything. One ex told me I would always put DC first, as if it was a bad thing. I was very glad to leave that manchild.

Thats what love really is: an habitual decision made for the good of another.

Is that how you think Jesus loves you @Hiddenmnetter

whatever the answer…. Your definition of
love is not one I remotely agree with

Yes I do think Jesus loves me that way, but as you said it’s largely besides the point.

Fine you disagree; what do you think love is?

To me, love is a verb. You have to put in the effort to make any relationship work. I think women tend to change very much over a marriage and who really is the same woman at the start compared to now? I’ve been 20 years with DH, all that you mentioned Op, have infiltrated our marriage too.

If a man told me he loved me unconditionally I’d see it as a red flag and it would also give me the ick.

Conditional love is the only kind worth having.

You think Jesus “makes a habitual decision” to love you? Rather than just… love you @Hiddenmnetter ?

So you love your partner unconditionally and think she/he feels the same?

@Jellybunny98 @Ace42 @GoodkneeBadKnee

But surely unconditional love for children can also leave you open to abuse? (Albeit hopefully more rarely!)

There's been a huge increase in the (reported..) cases of "child on parent" abuse (with the child usually a teenager/adult, and the victims usually the mother)

Of course it can “lead you open to abuse” but…. I have no power over the fact i have unconditional love for my children

Well strictly speaking, for a being whose act is his own essence, the difference between willing my good and pursuing my good is, by definition, non existent. But that’s a peculiarity of the divine rather than the principle involved.

Yes. Love from parent to child can be unconditional. But in a romantic relationship there are always conditions. For example, I love my husband through thick and thin… but if he started physically harming me that love would dry up faster than the Sahara. If he started being horrible to me, once I’d ruled out a tumor or neurological condition I wouldn’t stick around. Same for if he harmed our children, other people without reason (self defence etc) or animals… I couldn’t love that rendition of my DH.

Now I never believe that will happen which is part of him being the person I love. But if it did… those are conditions.

Love isn’t a permanent phenomenon. It’s a combination of lust, trust, respect, friendship and choice.