Have I been naive to think love can be unconditional?

[Alupalu2020]

This might seem like a silly observation, but I feel like I’ve only just realised that ALL love is conditional.

i feel like I got married quite early on, and was very much in a ‘I’ll love you forever no matter what’ phase, and I genuinely thought that this feeling would be like this forever & nothing could make me change my mind and that he would also feel the same about me.

over the years I’ve noticed how differently he began to treat me, two kids, lots of stress, redundancies, job losses, new job struggles & weight/body changes - these have all played a part in big changes in our relationship - however I genuinely thought that no-matter what, he would always love me regardless.

was I just disillusioned? Is it stupid to think that someone can love you unconditionally?

I would argue that the love between me and my brother who has a severe learning disability is unconditional. There is nothing he could do that would change the way I feel about him as he's so vulnerable and defenceless - and his love for me is unconditional as he wouldn't really understand if I did something wrong, eg murdered someone, to him I'm just his big daft older sister.

That I said I suppose our relationship is more akin to a parent-child one than a sibling one.

Yes, I think it is naive to think unconditional love exists. As other posters have said, even a parents love for a child can change. Your post seems to me that you feel that it is only you that has lost love as your relationship has changed and your husband's feelings have changed. Surely your feelings towards him have changed too. Maybe as a consequence of his love feeling conditional now but that means your love was also conditional. I'm not saying that to nit pick, more to say that it is something you are part of in a healthy way rather than being taken away from you.

Love is a choice - a behaviour and attitude rather than a feeling.

I love my husband unconditionally. If something caused a complete personality change and he became abusive, I wouldn't live with him, to keep me and the children safe.

But I'd still love him. It's just that the love would look quite different.

When he says you should love him he means you should service and support him because you're a woman and that's your job 🙄

Romantic love is never unconditional
only parent to child love is

Sorry I didn’t mean to quote you

PS your post on the smacking thread was absolutely brilliant and I agree and I quoted it and said so!

I understand the question, and don’t think it hasn’t occurred to me several times. However it’s never as straightforward as is often made out on here.

I made peace with my lot. Retirement may be the point at which we part ways.

<heavily mollified> thank you

I did wonder if responsibility or a sense of it is a form of love, but with my relative I don’t love him and would feel a sense of such relief if he died. I loved my parents though so maybe that’s what it is?

But this must be awful, truly awful. For you and your children

I’m a bit confused as to why you keep bringing up a thread that I posted a year ago? I’m talking about this topic in separation to that thread and I’m not sure why you’ve mentioned my (year-old) previous thread twice.

and on a seperate note, is it normal that someone would look through your old threads on mumsnet and keep referring to them? I’ve never come across this before and it’s putting me off posting!

but thank you to everyone else for your responses - it’s interesting to hear all of your views

<penny drops> sigh

No, because you do get banned, but return again … and again 🙄 and I would have missed that one! But you can’t resist a stalk and a snark and it’s that which gives you away.

And there we are. As we were …

Not true. Some adult children do not love their parents.
Some parents do not love their adult children.

Would you still love your adult child if they raped you and beat you up? If they were a serial killer?

Personally I think love can be unconditional. I still love my first serious partner, but we weren't suited as he was so needy. Love is not enough for a relationship

I would yes.

I wouldn’t feel the same way about them, far from it, but would I love them still - yes. Would they have a bedroom in my home? Yes

Playing devils advocate a bit here, what about if they’d done that to your other child, or grandchildren?

It’s often very easy to say ‘I’d love you no matter what.’ Not sure of the reality.

But IME it isn’t really the huge things. Ian Huntley’s mother visited him in prison and was at his deathbed. I get that 100%. The effect of years of being spoken to like shit, of the house being destroyed, of sleepless nights with TVs blaring into the early hours, arguments with neighbours, drug dealers at your door, police visits, anonymous callers on your phone where you know it’s someone official about your child … yeah, it’s that

I think it probably helps to clear up ambiguity in “love”. There’s those feelings with we often ascribe to love- erotic desire, companionship, fraternal concern and familial joy. But those feelings are just that- feelings. And feelings, no matter how big, are transitory. The feelings become a starting point for a basis of making decisions.

Thats what love really is: an habitual decision made for the good of another. The point by which the feelings pass away, the hope is that having intended the good of the other person for a sufficient length of time that the habit of making decisions that put them ahead of yourself is sufficiently ingrained that it survives those transitory feeling changes.

I understand why people think the parent -> child relationship is more unconditional. It makes perfect sense- by the time they start making decisions that upset you intentionally (I.e.: the point at which forgiveness becomes an exercise of the will, not a reflexive reaction to de-escalation of stress) you have the better part of 13 or so years of habitually choosing their good over your own.

At that point, it’s going to take something pretty serious to undo that. But love still isn’t a feeling. Love is a sustained habit of choosing the good of someone else over yourself.

There’s a reason that the idea that Jesus loves people unconditionally is actually pretty remarkable. Most adults recognise their inability to love unconditionally when they have kids and they discover pretty clear limits to their love. This isn’t a criticism; it’s reality.

If they had killed my other child it would be because of a diabolical mental health illness so yes - I would still love them and visit them in the psychiatric hospital where I would hope they’d spend the rest of their life

I agree with this. I’m not sure it should be unconditional? We should all have boundaries and standards in terms of how we are treated.

But you’d let them live in your home with another child who they abuse, you’d tolerate being arrested and put in a cell, you’d relinquish any hope of a normal life? I know I sound like I’m being a complete arse here and I promise I’m not, I’m just trying to point out most of us will eventually have that ‘OK enough now’ line. We may still continue in our responsibilities towards them but love is something else.

Anyway thankfully most of us won’t be in that position. I do know someone who’s child accused her of assault though, leading to her being arrested and held in police custody for forty eight hours. I don’t think the child lives at home now.