Have I been naive to think love can be unconditional?

[Alupalu2020]

This might seem like a silly observation, but I feel like I’ve only just realised that ALL love is conditional.

i feel like I got married quite early on, and was very much in a ‘I’ll love you forever no matter what’ phase, and I genuinely thought that this feeling would be like this forever & nothing could make me change my mind and that he would also feel the same about me.

over the years I’ve noticed how differently he began to treat me, two kids, lots of stress, redundancies, job losses, new job struggles & weight/body changes - these have all played a part in big changes in our relationship - however I genuinely thought that no-matter what, he would always love me regardless.

was I just disillusioned? Is it stupid to think that someone can love you unconditionally?

My husband genuinely believes this is a thing. He has become truly worse and worse - selfish, controlling, self obsessed. He believes that these are adorable quirks and that I should love him no matter what, but he has been absent at each life stage, marriage, children, children getting older cannot adapt and has left the hardest stuff to me and only finds certain responses acceptable.

I love my children unconditionally. That is never in question.

It’s just not a thing, unconditional love like that. And nor should it be.

Interesting thread.
Might seem obvious to many but points raised here that have suddenly become blindingly clear to me.
Thank you for starting the thread @Alupalu2020

The thing is OP that nearly everyone who gets married thinks it will be forever. And yet around 40% of marriages end in divorce. So it's not just possible to stop loving someone, it's fairly common.

This. Unconditional love for a romantic partner is not a good thing. It's why people stay in abusive relationships 'because I love him!'.
You need to have boundaries in place and say that your love is conditional upon being treated well.

Incredibly naive…and childishly dangerous OP, opening yourself and your children up to so much abuse.

That is absolutely horrific. I think there is a difference between unconditional love and supporting someone's wrongdoing in a ' love the sinner, hate the sin' type of way. Supporting a child who has done something heinous is different I think. Thinking of a famous example, the late Queen and Andrew. People say ' of course she supported him, she's his mum' well I would say it wasn't unconditional love that made her support him to such an extent that he felt he could get away with being such a PoS. She chose to minimise his behaviour and do everything in her power to not allow him to him face the consequences of it. She could have still loved him but not supported his behaviour.

I don’t know that I do love my children unconditionally tbh. I have unconditional responsibility towards them. If one of them did something horrendous and ended up in prison they’ll always have a home here and I’ll always support them. I have a relative kind of in this position who I’m responsible for but I don’t love them and if they died I’d be relieved.

my child could commit the most despicable act and I can truthfully say I would still love them and house them. My way with them with would naturally change, my enjoyment of their company would cease, but my love… yes that would remain

So are you telling me that to explain to me that you love your children more than I love mine, or what?

It's obvious that feelings will change over time. It's also pretty obvious that love is quite capable of not only changing but dying completely. Just reading some of the posts on MN should enlighten you.

I don’t believe unconditional love exists between partners and I’m glad it doesn’t. I adore my DH but if he treated the children badly or my pets, began treating me with contempt then I’m 100% certain that love would die. Love between partners imo is a choice we make.

For me the only unconditional love that exists is between myself and my children. I could not in visage a world where I don’t love them, no matter what they’ve done or who they are. That love is not a choice for me, it’s just part of the fabric of who I am.

What? That is a very defensive response. I have no idea about your love for you children. I don’t know you.

I was saying i do know my love is unconditional for my children

My children are now autonomous adults but I still love them unconditionally. If they behaved in a morally reprehensible way then that love may change (thankfully an untested hypothesis as of now) but I like to think I would still love the person I knew them to be underneath.

Nobody else has my unconditional love. If you behave badly towards me then any love I felt will die - I am not obliged to love you or even like you.

i agree

Re pets I’m not sure that unconditional love is the word. I know why people see it that way and why they value it ( I’m not trying to diminish it) but I’m not sure that animals really experience love in the human sense and also I think what we perceive as love from a pet is at least a bit transactional. They also don’t really have that ability to overcome survival instinct - like if you and your dog were both starving and your dog found some food they’d just eat it, whereas a person would likely sacrifice themselves to feed their child or possibly even the dog.

I agree. I love my dog but if he mauled my child - I would hate the dog.

Whereas if my child for some unfathomable reason killed my dog - I would still love my child. Horrified? Yes Sickened? Yes Ever be able to view them in quite the same way? No.

love them? Yes

Ah so is it.. he should love me unconditionally?

So your in-laws are showing the unconditional love for their child that so many on this thread are praising.

Luckily my children have never done anything so heinous (as far as I know) that would cause me to seriously review the love I have for them. I have a friend whose son has done hideous things. She has admitted she wishes he was dead. She doesn't love him. He has caused her grief and heartbreak for years. I hope my love for my children never has to be tested in such a way.

It probably is defensive but you did quote me so I assumed it was in response to what I said.

I have definitely felt disconnected and felt feelings of dislike towards my children. One can be very challenging and I have felt the love go on occasion, I don’t doubt it’s still there but hard to find.

I have still maintained a sense of responsibility: have cooked healthy meals, done homework, taken to extra curricular activities they enjoy, I haven’t lost that sense of responsibility that comes with being a parent and I doubt that will ever go. Love? I’m not going to feel love towards someone who physically abuses me or their sibling, irrespective of whether I have birth to them or not. Hopefully that won’t happen. But I know my own limits.

Maternal love is not conditional IMO. Which is why often the own visitors murderers and abusers get in prison is their mums.

Yes you were naive.

Are you really saying he could do ANYTHING to you and treat you as badly as he liked and you would still love him?

I don’t even think child/parent love is unconditional for many people.

Only parent and child is unconditional, and even then it’s from the parent to th4 child, not child to parent, not as an adult. And not always with the parent to the child, some people are crap parents with no love for their child.

as for Romantic relationships of course they are not unconditional nor should they ever be, that’s a license for abuse.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this. I suspect the parents will feel that it’s their fault, and therefore he is always their responsibility. They shouldn’t feel that way, but I think that’s the definition of parental love.