He owes me- so what’s my best plan?

[Heowesme]

I will be brief. I have been in a relationship- very loosely- for over 2 years. During that I have lent him a significant amount of money for lots of valid reasons. Him paying me back has always been about when he received an inheritance. We were in regular communication and have always got on well. No word from him since mid June. We have had periods like this before. I then discovered that he had been on holiday- presumably using money that really should have been coming my way. I have reached out twice with pleasant, non confrontational messages and in the second referenced the money. He has 2 elderly relatives that he more or less cares for so concerned something has happened . I also know that he could or should have told me though if that was the case. I’m tempted to just turn up where he drinks on a Saturday night to get a FTF conversation about what is going on. I have looked into my legal options and I have some messages and texts that reference the money being a loan. But it would cost me to go through small claims court. I am not looking to pursue any further relationship with him. I am utterly frustrated with myself for lending so much and his arrogance at ignoring me. Do I turn up at the pub? I’m fed up of this churning around my head.

Your plan should be to accept you aren’t going to see a penny from him ever

case. I’m tempted to just turn up where he drinks on a Saturday night to get a FTF conversation about what is going on.

you will look unhinged

There’s loads of wise words about not lending what you can’t afford to lose, which are always rather annoying in situations like this - but, can you afford to lose the outstanding sum?
That would inform my own actions in a situation like this. Plus, don’t go to the pub (or anywhere else public) “unhinged” isn’t a look you want.

You need to chalk this up as (bad) experience. Don’t lend money to anyone if you can’t afford to lose it. Cut him off entirely.

Don't turn up at the pub. How much money are we talking? Succeeding in a small claims court doesn't always guarantee payment.

Thank you for the replies and the sensible advice not to go seeking him out. I’m just so annoyed that I allowed myself to get to this position. I have a degree of access to legal advice through a work related scheme so if I feel up to it I’ll give them a call. All I will say about the amount is that it’s money I inherited from my parents, more than any of us would want to lose. We were close at times and his financial situation was very difficult. I just wanted him to know how much him doing this - ignoring me- is painful and unnecessary.

Well then unfathomable you’d lend it to a boyfriend in a “very loose” relationship of just 2 years

Do you have children?

Him paying me back has always been about when he received an inheritance.

This money was never going to come back.

I'd send him a formal letter laying out the sums you lent, the dates the money went through, with a request for a repayment plan. Let him know that ignoring the letter isn't an option, but be polite.
Get some accurate information (online) on the possible legal steps would be, and their implication for him, including bailiffs and bankruptcy.
Then finish up with saying that you don't want to take these steps but unless repayment is forthcoming, that's what will happen.
Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

Small claims would be your best bet if it’s a “significant sum”. It’s not that expensive.
if it’s not really a significant sum, then cut your losses.

You need to gather evidence of HIM agreeing that it was a loan and that he will pay you back. If you don't have that, it will be tricky. I'd seek legal advice.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You obviously have a good heart. Unfortunately he took advantage of that.

Ask yourself how close you really were until he knew you had money
.

Thank you again. I’m fully aware that people will read this and struggle to understand why I continued to help him out. Particularly if we were only loosely in a relationship. We were very much in a relationship for 12 months then he had a series of issues with his daughter and granddaughter. The last chunk of money was given in April. £600. He continued to be in touch and the last message in June was about going on holiday! But I didn’t take it seriously as I didn’t believe he would be in a position to do so. The debt is several thousand pounds. I will contact the legal scheme work provides and take it from there.

If you have a legal case then I would go straight for the jugular. Don't mess about confronting him or doing anything that will let him know, that will just allow him to get his ducks in a row and try and avoid paying you back.

Yeah that money is lost I’m afraid.

i have bank transfer details, WhatsApp conversations and texts all of which reference it being a loan. He hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp so not sure what that means 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have downloaded our whole WhatsApp conversation as a file so I won’t lose that. I also have photos of legal letters he had received about both the inheritance and two debts he needed help clearing. My best guess is he is in further financial trouble and I’m just another in the virtual queue of who he owes.

You have nothing to lose by contacting the legal helpline through your work. Do that as the first port of call.

You were conned by him. He won't pay you back and it'll make you look muggy going begging him for it.

An inheritance?! Even if it were true that's never a set in stone guarantee someone should rely on when loaning out cash. It sounds outlandish beyond words. Presumably he said it was millions? You have to accept the fact you made a mistake and learn from it.

She doesn't have to accept anything though, if she has evidence then she can start legal proceedings to get the money back. Yes it may work out he won't pay but it doesn't mean she has to sit back accept it

He's fleeced you. You need to ditch this 'pleasant non-confrontational' notion at the very least and get a lot harder and smarter in how you deal with money and men. To lend him such sums on a vague promise of repayment via inheritance is not a proper loan agreement, especially when you're in a relationship and you've not demanded he pays you back to some agreed and regular schedule. He sees you, rightly so far, as a soft touch. I don't think switching to a big confrontation now will help matters. You can try spelling it out to him, what he owes and when you want it back, but I suspect he'll either talk you around to letting him off again (and lending him more in future) or if you're hardline, he'll vanish. Your best plan is to learn from this and never lend money again if you aren't ready to lose it.