He owes me- so what’s my best plan?

[Heowesme]

I will be brief. I have been in a relationship- very loosely- for over 2 years. During that I have lent him a significant amount of money for lots of valid reasons. Him paying me back has always been about when he received an inheritance. We were in regular communication and have always got on well. No word from him since mid June. We have had periods like this before. I then discovered that he had been on holiday- presumably using money that really should have been coming my way. I have reached out twice with pleasant, non confrontational messages and in the second referenced the money. He has 2 elderly relatives that he more or less cares for so concerned something has happened . I also know that he could or should have told me though if that was the case. I’m tempted to just turn up where he drinks on a Saturday night to get a FTF conversation about what is going on. I have looked into my legal options and I have some messages and texts that reference the money being a loan. But it would cost me to go through small claims court. I am not looking to pursue any further relationship with him. I am utterly frustrated with myself for lending so much and his arrogance at ignoring me. Do I turn up at the pub? I’m fed up of this churning around my head.

I agree.. it might be worth pursuing small claims.
You don't have to prove anything beyond a doubt.. you just have to prove that it is a high probability. (not an expert but that's my understanding)
An expert could tell yo if your texts and other written materials do support what you are saying.

My relative did this because they wanted to put it all on record. They felt vindicated when they were awarded the judgement. It's now a question of collecting the money which is a whole other ballgame.

I'm guessing that would be an equivalent for you of looking him the eye etc? or a next stage if that doesn't work? (esp if you have access to legal advice) Good luck

You will never get this money back
And what a terrible shame given this was your inheritance
I am guessing neither you nor him are spring chickens? You really should have known better… a very loose relationship ie ups and downs, break ups etc with a man you barely know (let’s face it… 2 years is nothing).

Anyway… as for the plan to confront at the pub - it will backfire enormously. You will come across as unhinged and he will just shrug and deny or… just leave, shaking his head at the the “insane ex”

Oh I see the mention Of small claims… please don’t waste your time. They are loathe to get involved with relationship loans especially one that you admit has been “very loose”. A couple of messages proves nothing.

She says "several" thousand, and mentions that its the cost thats putting her off small claims, so I doubt it's more than that.

I'd actually check with a lawyer-how much would you realistically be likely to get back. You know what you can afford to lose.
And as for appearing unhinged-if you were speaking quietly, firmly but politely, in a place you've every right to be-I don't see how this could be taken as unhinged? And with some people, it might work, especially if the person they're with says it's awful that you've not paid Maddy back, but if this is a person beyond shaming, well, you know them and we don't.

But why would he listen? He’d turn his back and start talking to whomever he was with

Because showing a couple of messages proves very little in the context of a relationship.

By all means encourage the Op to do this because I work for citizens advice and I hate it when this option is thrown in for Ops trying to get money back from exes

You need to find your anger, you seem very passive in this. At least as a start I would be sending a signed recorded letter and message in no uncertain terms outlining amounts, deadlines and that if you do not hear or receive payment you will look to pursue further steps including legal action. And get some legal advice.

The nature of the relationship is irrelevant. The OP has clear proof the money was a loan and she can absolutely get it all back. I’ve done it.

Did your terms say he didn’t have to pay you until he got a particular inheritance? Has he actually received it or might he have acquired other money?

I promise you it is relevant
I speak from experience
a trader and customer relationship? Absolutely
two lovers? No

What was your “clear proof” against an ex lover?

He'll stay calm and unbothered because he doesn't care and is a user. Much harder for OP, who does care, to do this. Then, like it or not, to outsiders OP will look like the unreasonable and deranged one. I would really advise against confronting him in person. Put any communication in writing, preferably from a legal bod not you.

Exactly

a terrible idea

at best it will be embarrassing
at worst it will look like she’s on the verge of a breakdown

A boyfriend, not young if he has a granddaughter, with serious debt problems that you “very loosely dated” for 2 years…. You handed over several thousands pounds too?

Because of the fact that the relationship between trader and customer is clear. Quantifiable even.

Between exes? No. Very easy to say…. I paid in kind ie all meals out, holidays etc.

You're not going to get your money back without court action. You could send him a letter befire action then submit an application to small claims court.

OP I haven't read the full thread so forgive me if the discussion has moved on or isn't helpful but I would send the below:

'Hi X. I hope you're well and all going okay. From my records I have lent you X amount over X years and now I need it returned. Can you let me know how much you can pay back and when? I value our relationship but I do need this money repaid as we agreed. I'd appreciate a phone call or a reply when you have the time discuss it. Best wishes, OP.'

I wouldn't rule out that you won't get it back. You never know. I personally think standing up for yourself will be good for your self esteem regardless of his response.

Rooting for you OP

I agree with @pinkdelight

You’re a reasonable person so you’re applying reasonable expectations to someone unreasonable. He will never respond reasonably, whether in terms of acknowledgment or repayment. (I’m sure, on occasion, there are exceptions to the rule, but by necessity the vast majority of people are the rule not the exception.)

So, I agree. Your options are to go down the legal route or let it go.

If the Op sent a message like that…. He could reply

**I was very surprised to read your message, as we agreed during our last meet up, this would be a gift for which I was and remain very grateful. All the best”

I’ve taken someone to small claims court before. Incredibly easy and inexpensive. It’ll cost from memory something like £40 to recover £600. You don’t need a solicitor. Send him a tracked letter with intent to take him to small claims then if he doesn’t respond fill out the online forms and screenshots that prove the amount, date and agree to pay back and see what happens, you risk losing very little doing this

Why turn up at a pub, go to where he lives