He owes me- so what’s my best plan?

[Heowesme]

I will be brief. I have been in a relationship- very loosely- for over 2 years. During that I have lent him a significant amount of money for lots of valid reasons. Him paying me back has always been about when he received an inheritance. We were in regular communication and have always got on well. No word from him since mid June. We have had periods like this before. I then discovered that he had been on holiday- presumably using money that really should have been coming my way. I have reached out twice with pleasant, non confrontational messages and in the second referenced the money. He has 2 elderly relatives that he more or less cares for so concerned something has happened . I also know that he could or should have told me though if that was the case. I’m tempted to just turn up where he drinks on a Saturday night to get a FTF conversation about what is going on. I have looked into my legal options and I have some messages and texts that reference the money being a loan. But it would cost me to go through small claims court. I am not looking to pursue any further relationship with him. I am utterly frustrated with myself for lending so much and his arrogance at ignoring me. Do I turn up at the pub? I’m fed up of this churning around my head.

Yes you have been very foolish 😔 I would never lend a significant sum of money without a legally drawn up and signed written agreement! All you can do now is gather your evidence and seek legal advice. It may be that you can take him to small claims court. I would probably first send him a registered post letter detailing all the loans and dates etc and tell him that unless it's repaid by X date, you'll be seeking legal redress. That may prompt him to repay.

You're right there but I just wouldn't be sure if it would be worth it.

I have been on Mumsnet for many years so I know that people will respond objectively with how they see things. I agree with @Thebutterflyslovemybush in that I don’t have to- or rather why should I- just accept his actions and walk away as a victim. I have given myself a very hard time about this and then I just feel super irritated that he isn’t or won’t be held accountable and that I should in a roundabout way blame myself for being an easy target. So I am going to seek legal advice and send the letter because quite literally at this stage I have nothing to lose.

As the saying goes, a fool and his money are easily parted.

You've been really foolish here and I think you've got very little chance of seeing your money back.

Even if she gets some back it would be better than nothing. More than anything it would piss me off that he thinks he can just decide to write the debt off without being held accountable.

But from your OP, you haven't held him to account at all and the only person you've been giving a hard time to is yourself. It's only been two years and he's already got form for periods of ignoring you. He's nice when he needs money, is vague about repayment and has no form for paying you back, then you find out he's been spending money on holidays. The most you've done is reached out nicely and on the second occasion 'mentioned' money. It's not blaming you so much as frustration that you're agonising over this while being treated like a sap. Absolutely take steps to get your money back, but whether it materialises or not, never lend money nor give yourself a hard time about being tougher in future.

If all else fails, and you have the cojones to do it, public embarrassment of the man is worth a shot. It requires nerves of steel. Go to the pub, state loudly in front of all his mates that he owed you £X thousands and absolutely refuses to pay any of it back. That's your "Friend" right there folks. He is a thief and a liar!

You get the picture. It might not get you the money back, but you will feel vindicated. I don't know if I could do it so publicly, but I'd say if I was mad and raging enough I would.

Are you sending messages and he is just ignoring you? Do you know where he lives?

Why on earth wouldn't it be worth it? Would you actually just roll over and accept this if someone did it to you?

And don't use the superior get out of 'I wouldn't have lent it in the first place', lets say hypothetically you did in good faith, now what?

Sounds like you have been scammed,

Yes, 2 WhatsApp messages about a month apart. I know where he lives.
He drinks in the pub with older relatives. I wouldn’t say anything in front of them ( who know me well ) it’s a big, open kind of a pub so I wouldn’t be wedging myself into a gaggle of his friends in a small space and I would just say I needed a word. I think it’s about having that moment where he has to look me in the eyes and acknowledge his actions- given that he also knows my history and home life and the impact his actions are having on someone who has had a difficult time in other ways

I would screen shot everything and make sure they are all saved.

Don’t go to the pub that’s dangerous and it’s not going to make him give you the money. He’s a con artist and he never planned to pay you back ever.

small claims (hopefully it’s under £10k) and never lend people money again

And in order to establish that then OP needs to get legal advice, not just accept it and move on

See, this is what I mean - you're still coming at this from a nice, meek mindset. You somehow imagine that by having a word and looking him in the eye, he's going to suddenly give a shit. He doesn't care about your history, homelife etc.

People who care about these things don't act like he does. It's not that you can say something and he'll become someone else. He wants to keep your money. He's spent it already and has no intention of paying you back.

If you go there, you'll feel way more awkward than him. I mean, do it if you like, but the fact you won't even say it in front of his relatives is telling. Why wouldn't that be better if the aim is to put pressure on him to repay you? If you ask for a word, he can just say no, or have the word and bullshit you and carry on as ever. If you want to attempt to get your money back, go the letter/legal route.

I am aware that I may not recover the debt. I work in a field where ‘supervision’ is offered- usually for the clinical members of staff- but open to all of us. I had a session a few months ago, linked to my own losses but triggering some work place concerns. I broadly mentioned how much this situation was affecting me ( before it reached this point) and the question I was asked was’ what price your mental health?’ So I have been trying to sit with that notion. But his decision to go on holiday and now the subsequent shutdown means I’m feeling unable to let it go and rid my mind of it 😔

You are right in many aspects of what you say. I’m heading out shortly to meet a good friend so I’ll try to shelve this for a few hours. Your objective honesty is appreciated and helpful. I have kidded myself for too long.

I want to add a bit of positivity/hope here.

I lent a former friend money when she was going through a rough time and ended up taking her to court to get it back. I’m in Scotland and legal processes differ so I won’t go into loads of detail but I had the same level of proof as you - screenshots of conversations referencing the fact the money was a loan not a gift.

It was a long drawn out process, she agreed to pay me back then failed to and after a certain amount of failed payments I had her wages arrested and was repaid that way. I got the full amount owed plus all I’d spent on the court process, and interest.

It’s stressful but it’s absolutely possible.

Start the legal process.

Dude's a conman who saw you coming and never intended to pay you back. You confronting him in person won't get your money back.

How much is it in total he owes you? You said the last was £600, is there more owed?

if so, total it up and message him again. You understand his finances have improved because he’s been away. He owes you £x in total. Would he like to set up a repayment plan or is he planning on settling up in one lump sum?

then start legal proceedings if you get no joy.

This bloke is a con man, you've been a soft touch op, he could smell it a mile off.

Yes do this. Screenshots for sure. Pursue it legally as getting your money back is the thing to focus on. You won't get him to admit guilt, take responsibility or feel sorry about it, because shameless users like him just don't do that. Do the thing that may actually succeed and reclaim the money.

the holiday would have tipped me over the edge. I spent £800 taking my family away local for two nights only !!! So gawd only knows what he spent !!!!

No way would i do that if i owed money!

you need to get harder and stop coming at him from your understanding decent point of view he is very bad with money management and doesn’t give a shit about you , your history together or your circumstances

would a debt collection agency work they will charge but they will put the big crunch on him which he deserves

also id want his friends and family to know i be curious what bullshit he has told them and who he owes

My best guess is that someone else is currently bankrolling him, and you’ll hear from him again soon when they get sick of it.🙄