Suspicious messages and accounts on my husband's iPad after 25 years marriage

[AgileOpalBiscuit]

Let me start by saying….i know.

I know what you will think.
i know what I should do, but not everything is as cut and dry I life.

i think im looking for some space to talk as i dont have anyone.

ive found some very suspicious activity on my husbands iPad. I think the thing that made me look was in his drawer i found a remote and leaflet for a sex toy. When I asked him about it he said he’d bought it for me and then thrown it away as I wasn’t ever “up for it”. Anyway I’ve since found the toy and I’m 99% sure it’s an anal one, totally not my thing, never have never will.

then ive found viagra in his wallet.

ive gone snooping on his iPad, and ive found the usual porn, fine I can handle that. But in notes there was an address and two phone numbers. When I’ve put them into WhatsApp one says a business open 24hours and the other has a profile pic which is very suggestive.
in his passwords I’ve found he has an only fans account, a fan vue account and one I’m not sure about one, it’s little password picture is an AW, possibly a website called adult work which would tie into the numbers I’ve found.

he doesn’t have WhatsApp on his iPad so I can’t see any of those messages. And I can’t access his phone.

but….we have life 360 and ring doorbell cameras etc.

now the only thing I could think is that if he’s met up then he’s left his phone at work so I couldn’t see where he was.

i know I should confront him, but I’m kinda wanting some more solid evidence.
im not sure how I can get his phone unless I take it whilst he’s asleep.

we’ve been married 25 years, have three children, mortgage, you name it!

Save the numbers in your phone as person and person 2.
Refresh your what's app.
See if any profile pics come up.

Thank you for the info. None of the ones I've joined in the last few years have a membership card. I wouldn't want a card tbh!

Just message the number 'are you working tomorrow, do you do bareback, you come recommended, wink face'.
They will answer that like you are a bloke. ...or you'll get called a dirty pervert off someone, either way you will get answers!

You can do a few things google the phone numbers, also add both numbers to your contacts with fake names and then see if there is a profile picture on wattsapp and also ring them withholding the number

Take up some of the posters offers to search for you before trying something yourself which may expose you are on his ipad etc.

Part of caring about your children is making sure you get your fair share so you can parent and support them.

Air tags are not precise for this very reason, so that people can’t use them to monitor your movements covertly. They don’t update in real time and sometimes don’t update at all for up to half an hour so it won’t necessarily help.

No need to confront with evidence, just the facts. Say that you know he's still got that sex toy and is using OF and AW. Then keep quiet and see what he does. Telling him what evidence you have just helps him strategize his lies. Sadly I speak from a lot of experience in this area.

You can link WhatsApp to your laptop if you download the WhatsApp to your computer There's a section where it says Link if you can get hold of the phone Just temporarily you scan it and it links. I don't think from memory it notifies the phone but if you have it briefly you can delete that notification. That would mean you'd be able to look at the Whatsapp messages without rushing ..So you'd be able to scan it put the phone back and then look at the messages Mine seems to be permanently linked I use it for work because I prefer to type on the laptop with a bigger keyboard than faffing about on my phone. I think you can also link to another phone.
You can then save anything that's there if you need evidence in the future.

I feel the evidence is pretty conclusive already. However I did manage to confirm that a local address to me was being used as a brothel by searching for the address and the word “ punting” online. It brought up the page of reviews from Adultwork (or a site like it ) without me having to create a whole account.

I think you need to confront him without revealing what you know. Sit him down, tell him you know what he's been up to, tell him this is his one chance to tell you himself, then wait and let him tell the truth or lie to your face, either way you'll know.

Don't tell him yet. You day you don't care about money. You don't now because you're hurt, fuming and vulnerable. You will need money though to leave should you choose to. Also possibly for legal advice.

Like another poster said clever women slow down. You need to get calm and in planning mode. Stay one step ahead. Knowledge is power.

Don't do this. He has already lied to your face very easily. This won't help you at all OP.

I’m sorry you are going through this. You are currently holding the cards as he doesn’t know that you’re on to him. Make sure you get the evidence you need to walk away from him forever before you confront him. Don’t give him a chance to cover his tracks. If he’s being unfaithful you need to know for sure, for your own peace of mind. Further down the line if you do leave him and when the kids ask you when they’re older why you split up, you’ll know for sure. Prioritise yourself and your children. x

Don’t ask him about the numbers!

I know it’s hard, I know you’re desperate for the truth right now but no good will come of it. Men using prostitutes are never honest about it. He’ll only tell you as much as he thinks you know. If you do confirm the numbers are something bad the standard excuse (which sadly is generally a lie) is that he was just fantasising and would never go through with it.

If you’re not familiar with the concepts research trickle truth, DARVO and the infidelity script. Only engage once you’ve gotten access to his accounts (AdultWork in particular). I’d also look for suspicious cash withdrawals/payments in the accounts you’ve got access to, though sadly there are many ways to hide those.

It’s up to you if you don’t want to pursue this but the evidence is enough that I think you’re within your rights to know what’s going on. If he is doing what you suspect then he’s putting your health at risk.

Remember he’s already lied once about throwing the toy away. Maybe he just doesn’t want to admit to anal self play but it’s still a red flag.

If you confront him without evidence then any evidence that could be found will disappear.

You don't need an air tag, you don't need a private detective. The evidence you have found suggests very strongly that your DH is using prostitutes, and you have to tell him that you know. Obviously get yourself tested, then make plans to divorce, assuming this is a dealbreaker for you. It certainly would be for me.

You already have solid evidence.

Adding an update

so I logged into adultwork
and I can’t find any see his log in history starting in mid August, all most daily.
he hasn’t messaged anyone on that site through their messaging system but the numbers I found are the numbers of two escorts which he’d saved to “hot profiles” or something of the like.

Locks changed hes out end of, whether he did anything or not its the intention,

I think that’s all you need to know OP.

so sorry this is happening to you.

Bless you. Many years ago, I became almost convinced that my ex-husband was having an affair. There were strange alerts popping up on our shared iPad, a woman's name that appeared and was hastily deleted, and a few other things. Nothing concrete, but certainly enough to make me suspicious.

I wanted more evidence. Looking back, I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I'd lost confidence in myself. He was a knob, to be honest, and spent years belittling me. I actually got as far as contacting a private detective. I hadn't told anyone because I was embarrassed, but eventually I broke down and told my best friend. She said: "Love, if you're at the stage of even considering a private detective, your relationship is already over." She was right. You don't need more evidence. Even if you get it, he'll probably try to wriggle out of it anyway. The real question is what you want. Do you want to stay with this man or not?

It's completely understandable that you're scared. I was terrified. I ended up living what I thought would be my worst nightmare. I had to move back in with my parents with my daughter, then move into a tiny two-bedroom flat.
But do you know what? It turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Seven years later, I have my own home, a happy marriage, and a life that is bigger and better than I ever thought possible back then. Choose yourself. Sometimes the thing you're most frightened of turns out to be the start of something much better

Do not call or text the escorts as if you’re a wife, if you want to confirm they’re escorts you need to text them like you’re a man trying to book. Their whole business model relies on discretion and not blabbing to wives.

Get an STI test - a lot of escorts use condoms but some don’t. Just get tested. That’s the most important thing right now.

This is very much easier said than done.

Do you have an old mobile you can leave in his car? Could you get a cheap used mobile and use PAYG? If you register the phone to a google account that you control you can go to https://www.google.com/android/find/ to see where your phone is.

An app like Strava can track and record the position of the phone from GPS data - just select record and choose something like Bike ride - in practical terms how much you can record probably depends on the phone battery life and how often and how easily you can get in and out of the car without drawing attention.

Is it? No man who uses sex workers would be allowed around my children and im not against sex workers