Suspicious messages and accounts on my husband's iPad after 25 years marriage

[AgileOpalBiscuit]

Let me start by saying….i know.

I know what you will think.
i know what I should do, but not everything is as cut and dry I life.

i think im looking for some space to talk as i dont have anyone.

ive found some very suspicious activity on my husbands iPad. I think the thing that made me look was in his drawer i found a remote and leaflet for a sex toy. When I asked him about it he said he’d bought it for me and then thrown it away as I wasn’t ever “up for it”. Anyway I’ve since found the toy and I’m 99% sure it’s an anal one, totally not my thing, never have never will.

then ive found viagra in his wallet.

ive gone snooping on his iPad, and ive found the usual porn, fine I can handle that. But in notes there was an address and two phone numbers. When I’ve put them into WhatsApp one says a business open 24hours and the other has a profile pic which is very suggestive.
in his passwords I’ve found he has an only fans account, a fan vue account and one I’m not sure about one, it’s little password picture is an AW, possibly a website called adult work which would tie into the numbers I’ve found.

he doesn’t have WhatsApp on his iPad so I can’t see any of those messages. And I can’t access his phone.

but….we have life 360 and ring doorbell cameras etc.

now the only thing I could think is that if he’s met up then he’s left his phone at work so I couldn’t see where he was.

i know I should confront him, but I’m kinda wanting some more solid evidence.
im not sure how I can get his phone unless I take it whilst he’s asleep.

we’ve been married 25 years, have three children, mortgage, you name it!

If you need anymore evidence than this your only option is to check his phone.

Viagra, sex toys, and sex work accounts are fairly telling, though.

I think that’s already pretty damning OP.
What’s he like as a husband? Are you happy?

This all points to what you are suspicious about. He has been up to all kinds behind your back. It all depends on what you want to do next. I can understand it’s a shock and you’ve been together a long time, bringing up your children and building a home and life together. What is he like with you? First step, get yourself checked out for STD’s.

I really want to check his phone and tried a little while ago but my heart was beating so
fast and I was worried he’d wake.
would you call the numbers if you were me

Yes I would. This way you know what you’re dealing with. But - you need to keep evidence of it all. I’m not sure what your next steps will be, but he has betrayed and lied to you. Will you want to continue and stay in the marriage? I know it’s a lot to take in at the moment. Just make sure you protect yourself as you are not at fault here.

If the numbers belong to prostitutes they won't tell you anything op.

To check his phone, wait till he's been out out so when he comes home and sleeps he's proper out of it. The evidence so far isn't good OP, sorry 😞

Don't call the numbers, send a message as if you're a man trying to book.

Could he have had them over to your house?

Definitely try check his phone and get an std test

Why on earth do you need anymore evidence?
You know he is yet another porn addled man who uses prostitutes. Do you really want to stay married to him?

I wouldn’t bother digging into it any further.

Get STI checks done and file for divorce. 💐

I'd say that the evidence so far points to your husband using prostitutes/escorts. The other side of the coin could also be...is your husband the one who is creating content for Only fans and Fan Vue? The sex toy is clearly for his use, it was never purchased for you. If you've never had any interest in anal sex all throughout your relationship, why would you suddenly do so?! So his explanation is dire. Your husband likes anal play, in some form, that much I'd say is correct. Does that mean he's bisexual? It's possible. He could be using prostitutes/escorts to indulge in anal sex. You do need to consider that these prostitutes/escorts may be male and not female.

I understand why you want more 'proof', I think it's natural to want this. Once you have concrete proof, he can't give you any plausible explanations. Does he take his phone with him when he has a shower? If not, you could quickly look or wait until he's asleep. You'd have to take screenshots.

Don't call the numbers. If those numbers are for prostitutes/escorts, it's unlikely they'll give you any information. You could contact them, pretending to be a man looking for their 'services'.

Ultimately, you need to get yourself tested to make sure your husband hasn't passed you anything. You then need to gather all financial documents and see a solicitor. You are then a step ahead. You then need to think what you want going forward, if it turns out your husband is paying for sex.

Agree sending a message is a better idea as if you were a client.

So sorry op. How old are your children? Do you have any family nearby? In your shoes I would tell someone, find some counselling and I’d start getting paperwork together incase separation happens. You don’t have to do that now - it’s easy to say on the internet ‘divorce leave etc’ but in reality that’s not always possible at that time without huge huge stress - but you can cover for all bases and reduce the impact this has on you. Don’t underestimate the stress on your body either of shock; take care of yourself.
Shit that he did not come to you and say he was unhappy or had needs XYZ to talk about things before he betrayed your marriage. counselling for you now would be helpful I think even if just to help you feel less alone and find some space for you.
Yet another one… I’m sorry op xxx

Can you access the AW account through the iPad? This is what I would do it will have a booking history and any ‘reviews’ he has left. I would want to see that proof in black and white, otherwise he will lie and say he never went through with any of it and was just viewing/messaging for the thrill.

Don’t forget to get an STI check.

Why does she need to keep evidence of it all? Who does she need to prove something to? It makes no difference during a divorce, and she can leave her husband without him admitting anything. If she sees enough to convince herself, what does document evidence do?

If you now don’t trust him, do you actually need evidence?

Just wanna check the AW picture doesn't look like this does it OP?

i think there are a couple of issues here.

One is that your husband may enjoy anal play. That’s not particularly rare and doesn’t mean he may be bisexual.

The other, bigger issue, that he may try to cloud with the first issue, is the phone numbers and viagra and worse, the lying.

Tread carefully please OP and please ask yourself if you’re willing to find out the truth, because one you know, there’s no going back. Whatever he admits to will only ever be partly true. Liars always downplay what they finally admit.

The phone numbers may be for sex clubs. There are more of them in the country than I’d realised until recently (that’s a whole different thread!) The managers often use WhatsApp to communicate with members about events etc.

Search his wallet and look for a debit card type card that’s blank except for maybe a number or code on it. That would be a membership card for a swingers / sex club.

Do you have an iPad OP? If not, use his and go into Safari and open WhatsApp Web. You can open his WA by linking devices, either by scanning a QR code or putting in the relevant phone number and a code they provide. It's very quick to do, but I'd make myself familiar with the process first. You can then disappear elsewhere with the iPad for a good browse while leaving his phone next to him.

Wanting to send you strength and love @AgileOpalBiscuit as you've got a hard journey ahead of you.

My advice would be to sit on what you've found already and keep looking.

Also, decide what you want to do. Most want a divorce. Some decide to stay and turn a blind eye as they don't want to give up their lifestyle, and never have sex with their husband again. You're currently in shock, so take time to process.

(And fwiw, sex clubs don't give out membership cards @TheMentalMentalLoad Once your id is confirmed, your name and dob is enough to get you through the door)

The only question is do you want to live with him for another twenty years assuming you're 50 ish?

@OfcourseitsaNCi can assure you that some do. I personally have one.

Exactly this happened to my MIL, and sadly in her case her partner was seeing other women. Lots of them. Paying them for sex. Working away and then sending them all the money while she struggled at home. No one would have guessed in a million years. He was older, scruffy, pipe and slippers type. It takes all sorts, and some women aren't fussy where the money comes from.

Worrying how you say "there was the normal porn, I'm fine with that". Did you know about that beforehand, or does it just seem more palatable compared to everything else you subsequently found?

Don't lower your standards for this idiot.

That’s what I’m going to try and look at later. The internet history on his iPad and if I can log in. I just don’t want notifications going to his phone.