Suspicious messages and accounts on my husband's iPad after 25 years marriage

[AgileOpalBiscuit]

Let me start by saying….i know.

I know what you will think.
i know what I should do, but not everything is as cut and dry I life.

i think im looking for some space to talk as i dont have anyone.

ive found some very suspicious activity on my husbands iPad. I think the thing that made me look was in his drawer i found a remote and leaflet for a sex toy. When I asked him about it he said he’d bought it for me and then thrown it away as I wasn’t ever “up for it”. Anyway I’ve since found the toy and I’m 99% sure it’s an anal one, totally not my thing, never have never will.

then ive found viagra in his wallet.

ive gone snooping on his iPad, and ive found the usual porn, fine I can handle that. But in notes there was an address and two phone numbers. When I’ve put them into WhatsApp one says a business open 24hours and the other has a profile pic which is very suggestive.
in his passwords I’ve found he has an only fans account, a fan vue account and one I’m not sure about one, it’s little password picture is an AW, possibly a website called adult work which would tie into the numbers I’ve found.

he doesn’t have WhatsApp on his iPad so I can’t see any of those messages. And I can’t access his phone.

but….we have life 360 and ring doorbell cameras etc.

now the only thing I could think is that if he’s met up then he’s left his phone at work so I couldn’t see where he was.

i know I should confront him, but I’m kinda wanting some more solid evidence.
im not sure how I can get his phone unless I take it whilst he’s asleep.

we’ve been married 25 years, have three children, mortgage, you name it!

I’m just thinking it would send a notification to his phone?

Or you would need access to his phone to scan the QR code. Or maybe both.

Is he a very light sleeper?

OP. Something similar happened to me (and it took me ages to find proof). I second the suggestion to message the numbers as a man who wants to book. (Maybe look-up the numbers first just in case they are benign.) Also trying to get into the AW account might give you all the evidence you need.

If these don't work, you need to get more inventive.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. What a shock. I know people say you don't need anymore evidence but if you're going to confront him the more concrete evidence you have then the more chance you're going to have for some honesty(!!) from him. He's already denied knowledge and lied easily about the sex toy.
I know there are people who will be saying you can't legally track someone without their knowledge and I don't know anything about it but is there any way that you can put a different tracker on him?
Is there no one in rl who you trust that is techy and knows how to navigate everything so that he isn't alerted to you searching and deletes it all?
If you have the money, I'd even be tempted to contact a private investigator. I'm sure they'll be posters who'll come along to give you some better advice but know that thatvthere people on here thinking of you and will support you the best they can. Sending you strength.

That's the danger. I tried it on my own devices and it did send a notification later that I'd logged in elsewhere. Sorry OP, it's a shit situation.

You need the phone to confirm WhatsApp web I think. Don’t do it

But honestly 2+2 makes 4 here, there’s no dampening this down

When I asked him about it he said he’d bought it for me and then thrown it away as I wasn’t ever “up for it”.

Classic DARVO. Gets caught red-handed, yet OP is the “bad guy” because it was a gift, but OP is too frigid to appreciate it, so he “threw it away”. Poor lamb.

Very minor aside, but I wouldn’t say the business being ‘open 24 hours’ 100% means it’s not innocent. Suspect it’s the default if you don’t set availabilities- my lash tech’s WhatsApp says that.

Doesn’t change the evidence though ☹️

Thank you all for being suppprtive.
I posted on one group and someone told me I was “slow” and shouldn’t go online for sympathy.

i forgot to mention as well as the two numbers there was an address.
ive dived as deep as I can online and I can’t find any more information on the numbers or the address.

im broken, but want more evidence

If he’s phone shows as still at work at late/unusual times, he will have another one with him, to take wherever he goes. This other phone might never come back home, perhaps he always keeps it at work. I very much doubt he walks around with no means to call.

I’d check around for another phone. His car, weird places, places he goes into (like shed).

If you have passwords, can you log into these sites?

I’d also keep acting normal until more info surfaces.

I thought about putting an Apple tag in his car but not sure how far they track.
also thought about a private investigator but I don’t really have the funds or know how

I’m going to try and log in to some of the sites later on his iPad when I’m home and he’s at work.

Im too scared to message the numbers.
what would I write? How would a man ask for services?

Op bank statements, is he using a credit card you may not know about,

The adress what did you find out about it,

OP send them to me and I’ll message them.

for context I’m in the swinging ‘lifestyle’ (hate that word!)

Send a message saying 'Hi, are you working today?'

If the number responds with 'yes, how long are you after, I'm not available until 2pm, when are you looking for etc' that should be the confirmation you need they are a sex worker.

If the number responds 'sorry, who is this?' then they are likely not a sex worker. But still possibly someone your husband is having an affair with. Or they could just be a friend.

You're welcome to message me the address, and I can dig around. I used to have to research as part of my job, and it required lots of digging (legal, I'm hasten to add!), so I'm pretty good at it. I can't promise I can find anything though.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. It sounds incredibly hard to go through. I'd recommend what @elementary101 has said to message the numbers. You'll get the idea pretty quick that they are sex workers.

I'd also be hesitant about air-tagging his car if he has an iPhone as I vaguely remember that they said 'An air tag is moving with you' if it's not expected (though can't exactly remember so google it).

Been in your spot my friend. You don’t need to hunt. You know what’s happening here. I decided to leave immediately. We are getting a divorce. Would have been 29 years married in October but that’s not what counts. What he did matters. I value myself and my life way more. Mine is still sneaking around lying etc while we sell the house, honestly my advice to you is go. Because they don’t suddenly stop they just get better at hiding it.

So sorry you're going through this. You must be exhausted.

Do what are you going to do? He's cheating on you, you have the evidence. Looking for more is just putting off the inevitable OP. I certainly wouldn't waste money on tags and private detectives.

It is pointing towards using sex workers sorry.

He is likely using them whilst at work or the commute.

It may purely be just online at this stage.

Do you have shared finances?
Checking bank statements will give more definite proof.

Don’t say anything just yet.

Apparently an Airtag, when separated from the owner, can send a message appearing on his phone ‘an airtag is moving with you’ so he will probably be aware some tracking going on. Google it.

But what if the reply is just “yes, why what do you need?”

My brother sent me an “are you working today text” and I replied with “yes, why what do you need?”

Which could be misconstrued.

I don’t think sex workers will say anything that is obvious as it’s obvious illegal and so they cover themselves.