Suspicious messages and accounts on my husband's iPad after 25 years marriage

[AgileOpalBiscuit]

Let me start by saying….i know.

I know what you will think.
i know what I should do, but not everything is as cut and dry I life.

i think im looking for some space to talk as i dont have anyone.

ive found some very suspicious activity on my husbands iPad. I think the thing that made me look was in his drawer i found a remote and leaflet for a sex toy. When I asked him about it he said he’d bought it for me and then thrown it away as I wasn’t ever “up for it”. Anyway I’ve since found the toy and I’m 99% sure it’s an anal one, totally not my thing, never have never will.

then ive found viagra in his wallet.

ive gone snooping on his iPad, and ive found the usual porn, fine I can handle that. But in notes there was an address and two phone numbers. When I’ve put them into WhatsApp one says a business open 24hours and the other has a profile pic which is very suggestive.
in his passwords I’ve found he has an only fans account, a fan vue account and one I’m not sure about one, it’s little password picture is an AW, possibly a website called adult work which would tie into the numbers I’ve found.

he doesn’t have WhatsApp on his iPad so I can’t see any of those messages. And I can’t access his phone.

but….we have life 360 and ring doorbell cameras etc.

now the only thing I could think is that if he’s met up then he’s left his phone at work so I couldn’t see where he was.

i know I should confront him, but I’m kinda wanting some more solid evidence.
im not sure how I can get his phone unless I take it whilst he’s asleep.

we’ve been married 25 years, have three children, mortgage, you name it!

This is very hard OP.
Please give some thought to what you want from confronting him?
Do you want the marriage to end?
Can you afford that?

Clever women slow down and give the above great thought.
If they want the marriage to end, the plan and get their ducks in a row.

Otherwise you are giving him a heads up to organise himself and hide money if he can.

Many is the woman who regrets not holding back.

We are here for you.

Ah interesting. Thanks

I’ve known someone put an AirTag under their husbands car seat, the husband never found out it was there. The wife found out plenty.

Hi OP, I’m very sorry to hear of your situation. After reading your posts it sounds pretty certain that something is definitely going on. Do not confront him at this point. Instead, play the slow game. Gather evidence by any means necessary but more importantly, get your ducks in a row. Your financial situation will determine how easily you can move on. Gather all the information about money, bank accounts, bills, mortgage, pensions etc.

Do not give any hint of what you are doing. The moment he gets wind of your suspicions or your planning, it will turn nasty. You can guarantee he will start raiding joint accounts and hiding cash.

Next go and get yourself a shit hot divorce solicitor.

Good luck. 💐

Just wanted to say sorry. Sorry this is happening to you. Sorry so many men are so horrific to their wives and only seem to think of their dicks.

Wish you well going forward and I hope truly you will be ok, whatever form that takes.

2 days ago a woman put on here that she cheated as she has been tracked via an airtag.
She was told to get to safety, ring the police, I said women are told here all the time to use a tracker if they suspect cheating, the uproar, how dare I, this poor woman bla bla bla.
Here we are again offering suggestions of tracking, I hope these horrified women are on here and are equally horrified.

I am however not horrified at all.
Get the bastard tracked, get your proof, get his phone in the night, go straight outside and keep walking with it and read all you want. You either find more evidence and throw his phone back at him or you don't find more evidence and if he happens to of woken up still tell him your leaving him, who cares if he finds out you have his phone, tell him you were trying to get more evidence for your divorce lawyer.
Good look, horrible horrible situation for you.

@AgileOpalBiscuitFirstly, I'm so sorry you had to find this out from the one person you thought you could trust. Even though you know he is a deceitful shit, like me, you want some more hard evidence before starting divorce, I get that. So I'm asking you to start getting everything in place as if you were divorcing him. Get screenshots of money stuff, mortgage stuff, bill stuff. BE PREPARED. Because he won't be and you need your faculties about you . Onc'è gathered, then pry around a bit more.
Good luck my darling 💖

And think about sleep cycles, I think they last 4 hours so I would say at 2 and 6 hours he will be in the deepest sleep, google it though, I'm not sure.
But obviously get all your paperwork etc together before swiping the phone!

Do you have access to his bank statements? If he's using prostitutes, there'll either be large cash withdrawals or credit card payments

Only our joint accounts not his credit cards

Is your marriage happy? Is your sex life good? It doesn't really sound like you're much fussed over him, on a personal level. Obviously you don't trust him, and you have a good reason not to - it sounds like you're pretty well convinced he's cheating in some way. So is his activity on Only Fans and the other websites not enough - combined with your suspicions about prostitutes - to want to get rid of him?

This isn't a spy drama, it's a divorce because your husband is a pervy prick. Do you really need to sneak around dramatically 'getting evidence' to present to him? Will it get you more in the divorce, financially (then it would make sense, I suppose)? Why don't you just tell him you found out that he's been using adult websites and prostitutes, and you want a divorce?

This is highly illegal.

Just take a deep breath. He is likely cheating. You know this and I’m sorry.

It sounds like you are not having any sex together so hopefully you won’t have gotten stds, but that is more telling than all the other things put together.

Adult work is for booking prostitutes. When he is asleep at night, get his phone. Go to Adult Work and click on reset password. Log in to account using the password reset link they send to his phone. The account will show all his messages and attempted bookings and arrangements for prostitutes and sex.

And screen shot what you see in adultwork. You’ll need evidence.

We don’t have money
i I don’t care about getting my fair share etc. I don’t care.
i just care about my children.

You’re right, maybe I should just show him what I’ve found.
id just like confirmation what those two numbers are I’ve found.

"sounds like you are not having sex and that's more telling than anything else". She said she wasn't into anal play, she didn't say they weren't having sex, and I saw nothing to suggest that. What implication would you have drawn if that were true?

I can totally understand the desire to find out and have that 100% closure - in which case I think looking them up online or just biting the bullet and messaging them is the best way to handle it.

But the details of it might be a bit of a red herring/distraction, given it's 99% likely he's been being unfaithful, and it doesn't sound like a hugely happy marriage either (just trundling along, perhaps?) It might be best to just confront him and brazen it out as though you know and aren't willing to stoop to his game of 'proving it'.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. It's a horrible mess to have to deal with.

Do it at night when he is sleeping. Take his phone. You can delete the password reset link they send to his phone immediately after you have used it. This worked a treat for me. Go sit in your bathroom and lock the door or something when you do it so there is no chance you are disturbed.

Yes! I looked after someone’s house keys and we were entertained by tracking their movement as the air tag notified both of us. Hopeless for would be spies unfortunately…

You will care about money @AgileOpalBiscuit. You care about your children, how are you going to care for them if you’re broke?

Don’t say a word- keep calm and normal.

Get the evidence you need in order to confirm what you already know.

Then get all your financial information- bank statements, pension, savings. The whole lot. Especially important if he is self employed.

Then go to a solicitor and ask about separation/ divorce etc.

Take as much time as you need to get your head around next steps. All while keeping absolutely quiet and carrying on as usual. Get some therapy and tell a trusted friend and family member if possible. Make any necessary changes like increasing work hours, getting more childcare in place. Take more legal advice.

Then serve papers when it is convenient for you and you know what YOU want going forward.

Get an STI test.

You can do this. The key is keeping calm, and taking the time and space to decide what you want to do next. An emotional outburst will not help you at this stage, so stay calm.

Ring the numbers but put 141 in front before you put their number in - that then shows your number as witheld.

Have you just googled the phone numbers you’ve found, rather than just on WhatsApp (sorry if you have already said). If they are prostitutes, the numbers should still appear online. This might be enough evidence to convince you. Although, if you are like me, you will need ‘more’.
Does he have a private instragram account? Could that show if he has any unusual ‘preferences’.
This is probably common knowledge, but if you google an IG user name, it will show everything a user has commented on, even if their account is set to private.
Lastly, does he tend to use the same password for everything? Try to access his accounts that way. Good luck

I think there's enough suspicious evidence already to assume he's cheating or very much trying to.

What would you do if you found it to be true?